As I write this, there are only 58 more days to go before the presidential election.
I can’t wait.
Not for the election. I’m actually dreading that. I think everyone’s dreading that. No matter who wins, half of us are moving to Canada. Unless they build a wall to keep us out.
But I am looking forward to no more polls.
Lord, I hate polls.
First off, I don’t believe pollsters actually poll people. I think they just say they do. I think what they really do is use the old county fair method of picking a winner, whereby a cow wanders around a grid and drops a plop on a square. (Trump, I suspect, is a two-plopper, by the way.)
I base this claim on the fact that – despite the zillion polls supposedly taken during election season – I’ve never once been polled. Ever. And I don’t know anybody who has been polled either.
If they were, they’d certainly have told me.
“Hey, Andy, guess what, I got polled last night.”
“What did you tell them?”
“I told them it was none of their business.”
That’s the other problem with polls. Most people don’t like nosy people, particularly nosy strangers who call them on the phone. If someone were to call my back home pal Moon Dimple and pester him about his political views, he’d slam down the receiver. (He keeps an old rotary phone around just for slamming purposes.)
Now everyone has a cell phone, which you can’t slam. But who answers calls to their cell if they don’t recognize the number?
Not me, that’s for sure, because it’s probably my ridiculously aggressive lawn care service calling (“Would you like service? How was your service? Could you rate our service? Oh, and we noticed your lawn is a complete disaster despite all the chemicals we put on it. Would you like more chemicals?”)
So who the heck are pollsters talking to for all these polls? I’ll tell you who: People who are so bored or lonely that they’ll talk to anyone, even pollsters. And yet these are the people who are supposedly giving us an accurate view of who’s winning or losing?
Besides, who’s to say these people aren’t lying? People occasionally do that, you know. They also change their minds constantly, decide to not bother voting at all, or vote just to cancel out their spouse’s vote if they’ve just had a fight. (Not that I’ve ever done that. Ahem.)
That’s what bugs me most about polls and pollsters – they’re so smug. They love to tell you how scientific their polls are and how they have a margin of error of just 3 or 4 percent.
Baloney. They have a 100 percent margin of error because people are people. And yet many people take polls as gospel, to the point that some don’t vote. Why bother if we already know who’s going to win? In that way, polls steer us, not inform us. I don’t like that.
Personally, I think we’d be better off without them.
Maybe somebody should take a poll about that.