This is the time when people start to ask, “Should I make any resolutions for the New Year?”
It’s a ridiculous question. Of COURSE you should make resolutions. Based on how often you annoy me with your behavior, you need to make lots and lots of resolutions, and the sooner the better. What the heck are you waiting for?
The problem, of course, is human beings are terrible at recognizing their own shortcomings, which is why each year I helpfully put together a starter list of resolutions for you to make. (No need to thank me. But you can if you want.)
If you recognize yourself on this list, please resolve to stop this behavior immediately. If you don’t recognize yourself, don’t think you’re not an annoyance to mankind. You are. We all are, except for me. It’s just that I ran out of space before getting to your particular bad behavior. So please do a little self-examination to identify – then change – your worst tendencies, OK? Great. Thanks.
For 2019, you should resolve to:
- Stop double-pronouncing letters in words. I think generational differences are overstated but I’ve only ever heard millennials say things like “supermark-ket” like it’s two separate words. Stop it. It’s not supermark-ket. It’s supermarket. One k. It’s not bing-go. It’s just bingo. One g. You’re not bring-ging something to the party. You’re just bringing it. See what I mean? Good. Now knock it off.
- Stop ending sentences with a rising tone. Younger millennials, in particular, do this. I wish this were an audio column so I could demonstrate this to you. But it’s not so if you haven’t noticed this before, I assure you, you will now. Sorry about that.
- Stop buying enormous pickup trucks and SUVs if you are not capable of politely driving and parking enormous pickup trucks and SUVs. Because your vehicle is twice the size of mine doesn’t mean you get to use half of my lane or take up two parking spots, OK? If you can’t keep your aircraft carrier in your allotted lane or space then you shouldn’t be allowed to own one. You listening, Congress?
- Stop ceaselessly ting-ting-tinging your spoon around the inside of your coffee mug like you’re performing the triangle part for the New York Philharmonic. One quick swirl is all it takes to blend your cream and sugar into the coffee. Do that and move on. (Confession: This one is aimed at one of my kids, who does it, I suspect, just to get my goat. Well, goat gotten, kiddo! But I’ve noticed people in cafes mindlessly doing this as well, usually because they’re absorbed in a text message.)
- And speaking of texting and mobile phones, if you’re out at a restaurant sharing a meal with someone, put down your stupid phone and talk to them. I see this all the time now.
- Stop voting for third party candidates and politicians who promise to run government like it’s a business. It’s not. Businesses (the crappy ones anyway) are all about the bottom line. Government is about us, for us. It’s supposed to make our lives and society easier and better, not meaner and harder. And third party candidates – as much as I embrace some of their specific views – are third-party candidates for a reason. You’re not “protesting” against the major party candidates when you vote for, say, the person running from the Save the Banana Slug Party. You’re voting for someone who believes in … saving banana slugs. That’s it. That’s all.
- Not tell your underlings to kidnap children seeking asylum and separate them from their parents, in some cases forever, all to serve your selfish political aims. Also, admit that your wall idea is stupid and archaic and if it didn’t work for China thousands of years ago, it certainly isn’t going to work now in the age of shovels and ladders. You idiot. (This one may not apply to you. But it certainly applies to one individual, who needs to shape up and act like a decent human being or resign.)
- Write a letter of protest to your Congressperson every time another commercial for a prescription medicine comes on TV. Sure, you’ll end up writing 12 a day, probably, but getting ticked and letting Congress know you’re ticked is the only way to make this stop. This is by far the biggest issue in the nation, if not the world. Maybe the biggest issue ever. These people and their stupid pills must be stopped. And to them: I will so NOT ask my doctor about your stupid medicine.
- While I’m on the subject and this is Michigan, please stop believing that fairies fix the roads. Fixing and building roads costs money. And that money doesn’t come from a pot at the end of the rainbow. It comes from you. If you want better roads, you’re going to have to pay for them. This is not a difficult concept. If you don’t want to pay for them, please stop complaining. (Me, I’m willing to pay more so I get to keep complaining. Lucky you.)
- Stop acting all smug and superior like you, and you alone, know everything and everyone else is a blithering idiot bent on inconveniencing or annoying you. Man, don’t you hate when people do that?
Now go make 2019 the best year ever. Just remember to not do any of the stuff I mentioned up above, OK?