Come Heller high water …
- Today is Equal Pay Day, which marks the amount of time women had to work last year and this year to make as much as guys did last year. So if the working women you know are a bit cranky today, you’ll know why. Guys, I recommend saying to your female co-worker, “Hey, good news, we’re even again today!” Hide the scissors first.
- By the way, the Equal Pay Act was signed into law in by President Kennedy 1963, and yet when’s the last time you heard about a company getting in trouble for paying guys more? Never. It’s amazing women don’t smother us in our sleep.
- Anyone dogging Jordan Spieth for his quadruple bogey Sunday (for you non-golfers that means he shot a 7 on a par 3) that ended up costing him his second Master’s championship isn’t a golfer, or not a very astute one, anyway. Every golfer has Tin Cupped a par 3 with water. That’s why it’s called Tin Cupping. Besides, the guy’s 22. Give him a break.
- BTW, what did the golfing world call hitting ball after ball into a greenside pond before the movie “Tin Cup” anyway?
- Yes, I attended the Detroit Tigers’ home opener. I think I now qualify for some kind of combat hazard pay or something. It’s gonna be tough walking correctly without three of my toes.
- Ernie Harwell’s Tigers’ broadcaster partner Paul Carey died this week. The world just got a lot less basso profundo. That man’s voice was like the start of an earthquake.
- Grumbles of wisdom from the Lovely Yet Formidable Marcia, who is dieting, while watching an iHop commercial featuring sugary treat after sugary treat: “They shouldn’t call it iHop, they should call it International House of Diabetes.”
- At a CNN town hall Tuesday, Donald Trump’s wife Melania defended his treatment of women, saying he treats everyone the same. If thought balloons existed, the entire room would have instantly filled with people all thinking “Yeah, like crap.”
- A former White House gardener is selling the last car Hillary Clinton ever owned. Like her, it’s not entirely trustworthy and can sometimes be a bit cranky.
- Hey, it was just a joke. Put down those scissors.
- Bono, the singer, told a Senate subcommittee this week that if he were in charge he’d send comics like Amy Schumer and Chris Rock to mock ISIS into oblivion. I disagree. I like those two. Send Andrew Dice Clay. ISIS will surrender, saying “These things he says, they are so stupid and offensive. We surrender. Just make it stop.”
- By the way, as someone who enjoys making fun of the world, I actually agree with Bono. Making fun of a-holes helps rob them of their power. So go for it, comics of the world. Just don’t forget to duck.
- A 104-year-old Brit just become the oldest person in the world to get a tattoo. I haven’t seen it but I’m assuming it’s a list of his meds.
- Ever since “Lost,” I have limited patience with TV series that never go anywhere or just become stupid. “The Walking Dead” finale crossed the “Lost” line with me, so I’m out. I’ll never find out what happens to the lead guy or the greasy guy my wife somehow thinks is hot, but then I no longer care anyway, so …
- Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.” – Confucius.
Come Heller high water is published every Wednesday at noon. Set your clocks.