Come Heller high water …
- Legal disclaimer: This is an all-Trump, all the time column, so if that’s not your thing and you read it anyway and end up popping a forehead vein, that’s on you, bro. Don’t come screaming to me. And clean up that blood. (Caddyshack line.)
- Now, holy cow, what was that guy smoking this past week? First he wondered aloud to a reporter “Why was there the Civil War? Why could that one not have been worked out?” History wasn’t my strong suit but even I know it had something to do with Joan of Arc’s pretty face inspiring some nut to shoot an Australian duke, which caused the Nazis to bomb Pearl Harbor.
- Or it might have been that slavery thing I keep hearing about.
- By the way, one of my all-time favorite Trump quotes that is only tangentially pertinent but still fun: “Frederick Douglass is an example of somebody who’s done an amazing job and is getting recognized more and more, I notice.”
- Then he said, “I mean, had Andrew Jackson been a little later you wouldn’t have had the Civil War. He was a very tough person but he had a big heart. He was really angry that he saw with regard to the Civil War. He said ‘There’s no reason for this.'”
- Um, hey Donald, Jackson died 16 years before the Civil War. So if he said anything at all during the Civil War it certainly wasn’t “There’s no reason for this.” It was more likely “Hey, let me out here!”
- What else? Oh, yeah, then he said it was “too bad” he and President Obama haven’t spoken since the inauguration. I know, right? That Obama is so thin-skinned. Sure, The Donald accused him of a high crime and called him a “bad or sick guy.” But he didn’t have to get all huffy about it. Get over it, loser. And come by for tea.
- Then he praised North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un – the guy who is threatening to nuke San Francisco – as a “pretty smart cookie” and said he would be “honored” to meet him. That’s like Roosevelt having a beer with Hitler and calling him “a pretty good dude, all in all”?
- You know, if Roosevelt spoke like a 21st Century surfer.
- Then he invited Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte to the White House. If there were an international Mt. Rushmore of dictators , Duterte would be Thomas Jefferson to Kim Jong Un’s Teddy Roosevelt. He got “elected” on a promise to kill 100,000 drug dealers and do-nothings, which is probably why Trump likes him. He wishes he’d thought of it first.
- Then he called Putin. Must have been report card day.
- Then, in a Fox News interview, he said our constitutional system of checks and balances is “a very rough system. It’s an archaic system … It’s really a bad thing for the country.” Which is pretty much the same thing he says about Obamacare. What he means by “it’s archaic,” of course, is “it doesn’t let me do whatever I want.”
- Then he said the U.S. needs “a good shutdown” of the government this fall. Which, if that includes the executive branch, I’m all in favor of at this point.
- Finally, when pressed by CBS News reporter John Dickerson about whether he stood by his false claim that Obama wiretapped him, he said the words we all knew were true all along: “I don’t stand by anything.”
- And that, my friends, was the ultimate mic drop moment of his presidency.
Image credit: Donkey Hotey