Andrew Heller

Best. Columnist. Ever.

  • About
  • More Posts …
    • More Posts …
    • Come Heller high water
    • The Heller Poll
    • Steve Jessmore photos
    • Auchtoons
  • Books
 

Come Heller high water … the September 14th edition

September 14, 2016 by Andrew Heller 18 Comments

22825272901_76c2b7a4b4_oCome Heller high water …

  • Yeah, I believe Hillary Clinton when she says she didn’t tell anyone about the pneumonia at first because she thought it was no big deal. My mom has had an operation and didn’t tell anyone. It’s how that generation rolls. When we found out, we asked mom why she didn’t tell us, she said, without a trace of humor, “You didn’t ask.” So now we ask, even if she seems fine. “Any operations today, mom? Having your gall bladder removed? A leg chopped off? Anything like that?” My guess is reporters will do the same with Clinton from here on out. I pity her.
  • column photo suitSeriously, though, I’m not worried about Clinton’s or Trump’s health. Sure, they could die or be incapacitated in office. Stuff happens. But presidential candidates in their late 60s and early 70s these days are a lot likelier to be healthy than ever before. Do you know how many of our presidents had real and undisclosed health issues? Do you know how many smoked, drank, never exercised, had quacks for doctors, had cancer, dementia, heart disease and so on? If we’re so worried about the health of our president, maybe we need an age limit.
  • What I don’t like about modern presidential elections is they’re all about the parties trying to get our shorts in a bunch over stuff that doesn’t matter. They’re spook shows, bogeyman fests. Maybe it’s always been that way, but it’s discouraging. Can we please hear something substantive?
  • Here’s how I think presidential campaigns should go: The parties pick their own candidates without a primary. I don’t care how they do it – flip a coin, poll your party, whatever. Then on Nov. 1 everyone gets the day off work – by law – and – by law – they are required to read a uniform one-page Q&A about each candidate and their views. The next day we all vote online or at precincts. Boom. Done. Popular vote, no electoral college, so it’s not just the big states that matter. If someone doesn’t vote, they pay a hefty fine and their photo is posted in the town square on a big board.
  • Favorite insult meme of the week: “You are the reason they have instructions on shampoo bottles.”
  • Airfare seems really cheap right now. They must be up to something.
  • I’ll repeat: NFL football games do not require pregame, halftime or postgame mini-concerts, for gosh sakes. Who the heck decided I had to endure Birks Dentley, or whatever the heck his name is, before the game? Aren’t the former NFL players and coaches who think they’re hysterical bad enough? Reminder to self: Do not turn on game until after the game has started.
  • People seem ridiculously excited that Chik-fil-A is opening branches in Lansing and Troy. May I ask why? I’ve been to one. It seemed like a fast food joint. Am I missing something? Mostly it seems like they can’t spell.
  • OK, perhaps Hillary was too cutting with her “basket of deplorables” quip about the racists, homophobes and Islamophobes who support him. Maybe she could have been a touch softer by going with something like “hamper of haters” or “Hefty sack of intolerants.” Still doesn’t change the fact that a lot of Trump supporters are indisputably and proudly what she called them. Truth hurts, I guess.
  • “Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.” – P. J. O’Rourke.

Image credit: DonkeyHotey

Filed Under: Come Heller high water Tagged With: Andrew Heller, andrewheller.com, Come Heller high water

Comments

  1. John says

    September 14, 2016 at 8:16 am

    When your in that position and all the problems with Hillary and Slick Willie she needs to disclose everything. She just lost a lot of support for that gaff. Candidates should disclose their health problems. If somebody hides terminal cancer I would like to know if I am voting for the right vice presidential candidate!

    Reply
    • Karen Swan says

      September 14, 2016 at 9:06 am

      When you’re in that position and all the problems with Trump, he needs to disclose everything. He needs to disclose his tax returns (no, we don’t buy his excuse that they’re being audited–prove it), his ties to Russian and other foreign investors, his pay-to-play with Attorney General Pam Bondi in Florida and Greg Abbott in Texas, his Trump University scam, his use of $20,000 contributed to his foundation, by others, to pay for his personal portrait, etc., etc., ad nauseum.

      Yes, we need to know if a presidential candidate has a serious illness, but we don’t need to know their blood pressure, urine analysis, blood tests and all the other normal tests we all take. The recent whiney comments from Hillary’s press pool and other media people after the pneumonia episode makes me think that the next thing they’re going to want to know is when she goes to the bathroom. It’s getting ridiculous. No, I take that back, this presidential race has been ridiculous from the moment Donald Trump came down the escalator. I can’t wait for November 8th to be over.

      Reply
    • Tom says

      September 14, 2016 at 7:12 pm

      Do you remember that we had a serious candidate with cancer? Senator Tsongas. He did not win.

      But, they showed commercials of him wearing a Speedo, to try to convince us he was a healthy son of a gun.

      Reply
  2. Tony says

    September 14, 2016 at 9:06 am

    “Basket of deplorables,” The truth hurts, with all the name-calling that Trump has done in the past three months he has insulted a lot of countries and a lot of races. A large portion of his followers are racist and bigots.

    Reply
  3. T says

    September 14, 2016 at 9:10 am

    The Democrats haven’t hit Trump where it hurts yet, it’s coming and it will start with his tax returns.

    Reply
  4. Pam says

    September 14, 2016 at 9:44 am

    Love your idea about how the elections should be run. Let’s do this!

    Reply
  5. Tim C says

    September 14, 2016 at 11:12 am

    re: Chik-fil-A. amen. But volley a bigger salvo at Chipotle’s. To borrow from John Oliver: “why is Chipolte’s still a thing?” They’re in the news more than any other restaurant and it’s all bad news. Yet people keep buying they’re crap and eating it. Reminds me of all the Patsy Lou stickers I’ve seen on cars. Really? After everything her husband did to ruin this birthplace of GM?

    Reply
  6. Elaine Folger says

    September 14, 2016 at 11:42 am

    You’re right, many people aren’t going to go around telling everyone they are ill. My Mom is like that, too. She is a cancer survivor and gets mad when anyone talks about it. Something like pneumonia is not a huge thing anymore. If you’re not contagious, no problem.

    Reply
  7. Sue says

    September 14, 2016 at 11:59 am

    I think we’ve all gone to work ill. I’m a retired nurse and got flak asking for sick day or non patient work ! Sometimes women feel pressure to tough it out. Need money no sick pay, criticism from co-workers to pull your weight.
    Clinton has a spotlight on her and all the speculation over the months regards her stamina, possible health issues. No wonder she tried to keep going.

    I see Trump is appearing Thurs on Dr Oz! to reveal his recent physical exam info.
    No in depth questioning by Oz was a condition.
    It’s all show business…the media needs to take a good look at their behavior the election…never mind it’s all about the Benjamins not in depth journalism.

    Reply
  8. Ann b says

    September 14, 2016 at 12:32 pm

    Your idea of how to change the way we run elections is fine except that the Democrats would call it voter suppression if we ask them to read a one-page document. Many of them can’t read and we would be accused of discrimination!

    Reply
    • Jim says

      September 14, 2016 at 1:22 pm

      Yup we are some dumbass people. All republicans can read! I didn’t know that!!! Oh And by the way I had to have my wife read this and write the reply!

      Reply
      • DogMkmster says

        September 14, 2016 at 6:15 pm

        Jim, you’ve won this round!

        Reply
  9. Jim III says

    September 14, 2016 at 4:13 pm

    Andrew,
    As I have told you in previous posts, the biggest bigots and racists on the planet are liberals.
    Hilliary called anyone that is opposed to her being crowned, er, sworn in a president of the United States.
    To be a member of the KKK a person had to be a member of the democratic party.
    The KKK was founded by a bunch of southern democratic losers of the Civil War.
    The only hateful words that I heard come someone is on the democratic side of the race.
    The democrats in the south wrote the Jim Crowe laws. They were the ones who sic ed the police dogs on the civil rights marchers in the 1960’s.
    MLK voted Republican.
    A lot of the blacks who held public office after the Civil War in the south were republicans.
    There were quite a few officers in the military in the 1910s’ , but after Woodrow Wilson and his staff got through with the military in 1920. They had been busted down to the level of cabin boys. Woodrow Wilson was a democrat
    As to Hilliary’s health issue, I do believe that her controllers and hilliary herself does not want the public to know too much about her health.

    Reply
    • Jim says

      September 14, 2016 at 7:01 pm

      1910,1920, 1960s last time I looked at the calendar it was 2016.

      Reply
      • Kathy Fiebig says

        September 14, 2016 at 7:36 pm

        Thank you, Jim. You saved me the effort of looking all that up.

        Anyone else think this is comparing apples to oranges??

        Reply
    • Karen Swan says

      September 14, 2016 at 7:12 pm

      Oh boy, here we go with that old canard again. We all know, or should, that southern white conservative Democrats switched to the Republican Party in 1964 when LBJ signed the Civil Rights Act into law and the Voting Rights Act in 1965. So yes, they WERE conservative Democrats who left that party and joined the Republicans. You might want to read about the Republicans’ so-called “Southern Strategy.”

      As far as Hillary’s health issues, they were addressed by her doctor in more detail today, and she was given a clean bill of health other than recuperating from pneumonia. I would suggest that you might want to listen to more than Fox News, Breitbart News, Alex Jones, et al.

      Reply
    • Tom says

      September 14, 2016 at 7:24 pm

      Yeah, Little Jim, you give us all these Amazing Facts, but it all is history. Blacks used to be Republicans because A. Lincoln was a Republican. But that was a hundred and fifty years ago! Southern racists used to be Democrats, but that ended fifty years ago!

      We already know this. It is true, but you are silly. You need to think for yourself and make original personal comments, rather than trying to repeat somebody’s Amazing Fact talking points. We are not amazed. We already knew this. We already know the truth.

      Reply
  10. Loren M says

    September 15, 2016 at 11:27 am

    Pneumonia usually isn’t a big deal but it sneaks up on you slowly if you’re healthy and active. Hillary probably blamed the initial symptoms, (fatigue/muscle soreness), on the campaign trail.
    I’ve had ‘walking pneumonia’ more than once. Prescription: Robitussin and an antibiotic, try to get some rest, drink fluids and eat regular meals. (hot soup helps, you get both fluids and food) when nothing tastes good.

    Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Buy My Books!

Show_Cars_Illustrated_300x250-2018

 

Archives

  • March 2021
  • February 2021
  • January 2021
  • December 2020
  • October 2020
  • July 2020
  • June 2020
  • May 2020
  • April 2020
  • March 2020
  • February 2020
  • January 2020
  • December 2019
  • November 2019
  • October 2019
  • September 2019
  • August 2019
  • July 2019
  • June 2019
  • May 2019
  • April 2019
  • March 2019
  • February 2019
  • January 2019
  • December 2018
  • November 2018
  • October 2018
  • September 2018
  • August 2018
  • July 2018
  • June 2018
  • May 2018
  • April 2018
  • March 2018
  • February 2018
  • January 2018
  • December 2017
  • November 2017
  • October 2017
  • September 2017
  • August 2017
  • July 2017
  • June 2017
  • May 2017
  • April 2017
  • March 2017
  • February 2017
  • January 2017
  • December 2016
  • November 2016
  • October 2016
  • September 2016
  • August 2016
  • July 2016
  • June 2016
  • May 2016
  • April 2016
  • March 2016
  • February 2016
  • January 2016

Categories

  • All Columns
  • Auchtoons
  • Brenda Brissette Mata columns
  • Come Heller high water
  • Flint Columns
  • Guest columnists
  • Guns
  • Humor
  • John Matonich
  • Michigan politics and government
  • National politics
  • Steve Jessmore photos
  • Steve Murch
  • The Heller Poll
  • What do you think?

About The Author

Andrew Heller has been an enduringly popular newspaper columnist in Michigan for a long, long, long time. He wrote his first column for the Escanaba Daily Press way back in 1979. It was about his … Continue Reading

SOCIAL

  • Facebook
  • LinkedIn
  • Twitter

BOOK: Come-Heller-High-Water-by-Andrew-Heller ISBN-13:9780964983212

Come Heller High Water I is the collection readers asked for, and includes columns that they wanted reprints of.

In true Heller style, topics cover everything from the craziness of having kids to tales from his U.P. days.

Buy My Books!

BOOK: Come-Heller-High-Water 2-by-Andrew-Heller ISBN-13:9780964983212

Come Heller High Water II is the smash hit follow-up to Come Heller High Water I. It includes everything from Andy's takes on modern life to conversations with his back home pal Moon Dimple, and much, much more.
 

Buy My Books!

BOOK: Saving the World One Column at a Time Paperback  ISBN-10: 0971495114 ISBN-13: 978-0971495111

Saving the World One Column at a Time is a bitingly funny look at the world through the eyes of this award-winning columnist. In it he takes on corporate crooks, Little League parents, tongue piercers, ketchup sinners and much, much more. A must-have for Heller fans.

Buy My Books!

Copyright © 2025 · Andrew Heller · Best. Columnist. Ever.

Mobile Responsive Website by Media Cafe Online, LLC · Log in