For the last 20 years or so, my ridiculously judgmental and inevitably correct alter ego – The Grammar Phantom – has fought a lonely battle to expose and shame those who mangle the language, 
both written and spoken, including but not limited to:
- First degree apostrophe abusers – These are the people – bless their illiterate souls – who simply cannot figure out when to use and when not to use apostrophes, so they use them randomly – or not at all – and hope they get it right, which they seldom do. For instance, Joes Taco’s, which was an honest to gosh sign spotted and reported to the Grammar Phantom years ago by one of his sidekicks, who are known collectively as The Apostrophes. Joes Taco’s is brilliant in that it illustrates – in two short words – both of the major abuses routinely suffered by the poor apostrophe, which never did anything to anybody. If you can’t identify both abuses, the Grammar Phantom weeps for you.
- Cutesy spellers – For instance, florists who spell the word bouquet phonetically, making it “bokay.” The Grammar Phantom cannot tell you how much that bothers him because if he was to attempt to his head would explode out of sheer frustration, and no one needs little bits of Grammar Phantom gray matter all over them. Suffice it to say the Grammar Phantom will never buy the lovely yet formidable Marcia a “bokay” because she, too, thinks willful ignorance in pursuit of folksiness is “stoopid.”
- Syllable splitters – Take the word mitten. You and I would say it just like that – mitten. Millennials, however, will more often than not pronounce it mitt-EN, almost like it’s two words instead of one. They do this with many words with short last syllables, making it sound like English is not their native tongue. Why, no one knows. But the Grammar Phantom (who by the way lives near a town called Burt-EN) suspects they were dropped on their heads as children. Or they know it irritates people over the age of 40. Maybe both.
None of these garden variety abuses, however, are what roused the Grammar Phantom to life after several years of inaction. What did stir him to rise, ride and criticize once again was, oddly enough, a string of texts with his teenage daughter.
The Grammar Phantom had texted her to ask when she would be home and her reply was “by nine,” to which the Grammar Phantom responded “k,” meaning OK. (The Grammar Phantom is OK with language abuse when it comes to not looking like a total dork in front of his daughter.)
To which she replied, “are you mad at me”
To which the Grammar Phantom, puzzled, replied, “No, why?”
To which she replied, “Cuz you said k instead of kk”
To which he replied, “So?”
To which she replied, “In texts one k means you’re angry two kks says you’re cool with it”
To which he replied, “It does? Really???”
To which she replied with a smiley face and the words “and stop using punctuation too no one does that in texts”
The Grammar Phantom is sorry, but he thinks both of those things are plain stupid.
Or should he say “stoopid?”
Wanna be an Apostrophe? You’re in. All you have to do is email me examples of language abuse (not including those that, ahem, inadvertently pop up in the Grammar Phantom’s work – no one likes a smart aleck) to andrewhellercolumn@gmail.com.
Image credit: Christine Cavalier
And from the Math Police…
Ha! Thanks Matt, you’re officially an Apostrophe!
Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people; comfortable minds discuss grammar.
Shapiro modification of Eleanor Roosevelt quote
And the double negatives!!! Not unlike is the worst and most abused?
I am a Grammar Phantom too. Although English is not my first language, I came to the US when I was 19, I was taught English since I was 11 as a second language & the grammar rules were instilled in my head by a very good, thorough teacher. I hate it when people abuse their language & of course it is more obvious in written words. The one thing I abhore is little children using the ain’t etc beauties that their parents use. So much for tolerance!!!!!
I know this does not qualify me to be an Apostrophe, but it’s the first thing that came to my mind in the category “Cutesy spelling”. I already know that parents can name their children anything they please; but kindly consider that your child will go through life spelling his or her name to those who ask, or correcting the spelling, or having their names spelled differently on all his/her diplomas. Credit card companies however, will always get it right.
Please allow me to offer 2 examples:
Jared, Jarred, Jarrod, Jarod, Jarad, Jarrad
Brittany, Brittaney, Brittny, Brittney, Brittnee, Britnee, Bryttny, Bryttnee
Thnx!
You definitely qualify!
The ones that jump out at me are grammar and spelling errors in published journals and books. The Greenville Daily News had a front page heading error a couple of months ago – what, no spellcheck??
So sad the the humans can’t catch these, but even with all the computers, they still get through.
Newspapers used to have these things called editors. Few left now, I’m afraid. (And I could clearly use one.)
Hey Grammar Phantom. Have you tackled the “where at” phenomenon? A big pet peeve of mine. Who starts these things anyway?
I don’t know that one – explain please so I can hate it.
Andrew, please never say, “where at.” Please say, “Where are you?” rather than “Where are you at?” The person may not be “at” anywhere. Might be IN bed, or UNDER the bed, or ON the bed, or OFF the bed…
“Where at,” is in the category of AIN’T. It is a grammar mistake that is class related. Even if you are high class, it sounds terrible, and people who just say, “where,” will judge you as low class. But, people who say, “where at” will not even notice or care.
There’s a new store near me called, “The Place You Get Your Bras At.” I am a woman who indeed appreciates a nice undergarment, but I can’t even bring myself to enter this store because of the poor grammar. I imagine the merchandise as tawdry and cheap!
That is SO funny, Laurel
How do you feel about seen and saw being used interchangeably and incorrectly? That’s the one that makes me wish I had a “punch the offender” in the face key on the keyboard.
It makes me want to do bad things.
The redundant “Ink Pen.” As in, “May I borrow your ink pen.” By definition pens make marks using ink. (Very common in NE parts of the Mitten.)
The very common “I seen you at (someplace).” No, you didn’t–you SAW me there.
But, I am not allowed to complain too much. My English Major wife reminds me, I make too many “misteaks” to be judgmental.
I understand this one. Too many people pronounce pen as pin. Ink pen nips the confusion in the bud.
Sorry Jean, “These ones” pronounce pen properly. Over 40 years ago, in Brazil, I heard a passerby ask to borrow her companion’s “ink pen.” The nice lady did not know I too was from Mittenland. She almost had a panic attack when I asked her what part of north east Michigan she was from. I have been in all 50 states, every time I have heard the term “ink pen” it was spoken by some one from our wonderfully goofy state.
Someone above me at work constantly sent out emails that included, “it could of been avoided” or, “it should of been prevented”. College educated and probably made twice as much money as I did. For shame.
Oh that would kill me.
Thanks for educating me about ‘K’ vs ‘kk’. I had no idea! You’re lucky to have kids so you can keep up on these things! I’m afraid that being childless I am doomed to go through life making a fool of myself. Haha
By the way, punctuation on my phone is on a separate screen from the alphabet. I tend to be lazy and just skip it.
I’m not a grammar expert by any means, but the new Bridget Jones title has me scratching my head… Bridget Jones’s Baby. Shouldn’t it be Jones’ Baby? I’m sure there’s some rule out there I’m not aware of, it just looks wrong.
That’s actually correct. It can be done two ways – Bridget Jones’ diary or as above, but the latter is now more in fashion.
I have read about this idea that Punctuation Is Threatening before. Oy!..
Likes long walks on the beach at sunset and canoe trips in white water. Feels threatened by Brillo Pads, shoelaces and punctuation.
I can’t imagine how an extra k is threatening tho.
I just don’t understand “went missing”. That seems to be the standard phrase now on the TV news. It just seems wrong.
That one is trendy right now. You don’t “go” missing either. You’re just missing.
How about “these ones”? When/where/how did this begin? Now, I hear it everywhere. Thought it was only in Michigan, but we now live out West. Mostly used by people under 50.
Many of the examples posted here make me shutter. I’ve been reading e-books and apparently nobody proofreads them when they’re translated to electronic form. Many are also available in audio so I imagine they simply use a speak to spell program. Maybe I’ll eventually grow accustomed to all of the errors, shudder.
“Shudder”?
Yes, shudder which is frequently misspelled shutter. I read science fiction and enjoy hard science articles about recent developments. It irks me how they can get the technical language right but trip over simple words.
I have two errors that assault me on a weekly basis through spoken and written word. The use of “irregardless” rather than regardless, and the use of “till” rather than using the full “until.” Ugggggg!!
But that extra syllable in until takes so much energy.
“xactly”
Debbie – I hate “irregardless” right up there with “I could care less”. I think the more frequent we see or hear certain abuses of English the more irritating they become. “Ain’t” used to bother me but after I started using it to tick off my Mom decades ago I’m immune to that one.
How about “very unique”? If I remember correctly something is either unique, or it isn’t.
Or–“more”? It seems as if our northern weather forecasters would rather use “more cloudy” than “cloudier.” Or “more warm/cold/sunny/windy.” Maybe there is some FCC rule that forbids the use of words ending in “er or ier.”
Of course news commentators can’t be excluded, “I am sure that person will be more happier.” Gag!
End of tonight’s rant.