Surveyin’ da Situation: But wait, there’s more!

By John Matonich

I don’t stay up anywhere near as late as I used to. I guess as I get older, sleep is more important than seeing what’s on late night TV or having an early morning breakfast after a night of a few adult beverages. I also don’t sleep in anymore which is also a sign of aging, I believe.

One of the things I remember about staying up late are some of the silly commercials or infomercials that seem to air after midnight. When I was younger, it seemed ever channel was pushing a product called “Ginsu Knives”. They sliced and diced and cut rock, metal and about any other kind of material around the house. After running them over these odd materials, the host would then show how a tomato was no match for these knives as he sliced one into tiny pieces.

As the host was hawking the features of these wonder cutters, he would then look into the camera and utter the words we all have heard before. “But wait! There’s more.” He would then go on to say if you ordered a set of these knives in the next 10 minutes he would throw in a second set at no extra cost. How could anyone pass up this marvelous deal? Well, I guess I did as I have never owned a set of these cutting miracles.

Today’s products that are shown on the tube may not cut every article known to man, but they have their own virtues. One product that I seem to see every night when I am watching my evening episodes of Perry Mason is called “Battle Vision”. It is a visor that you clip on your existing visor to give you a non-glare view in the bright sunlight. The spokesman is a former Navy fighter pilot and compares the quality of this product with what he wore when he flew Navy jets.

The product is shown reducing glare to about nothing as a group of school children are crossing the street. Good move on the commercial writer’s part. We all certainly don’t want to cause any issues with school children. It also includes a special extra piece of plastic that completely blocks the sun when it is low enough in the horizon to be in your eyes. The spokesman goes on to tell you that the secret to the magic of this product is “Atomic Clarification Technology.” I am not sure what that is, but it sure sounds like something important.

But wait! There’s more. If you order this product, they will include a whole second set of their product at no extra cost or special fees. That will allow any passenger you may have to share in this atomic clarification technology as you drive on a bright sunny day.

For some reason, I haven’t found myself running to my phone yet to order this wonder product. I guess the visor I have along with a good set of sunglasses seems to do the trick even though they don’t have atomic clarification technology.

I don’t know what new product is next on the horizon, but I believe you can rest assured that when it comes along, you will see it on TV and my guess is doubling the order at little to no extra cost will be part of the deal. I wonder if they still make Ginsu Knives. I do have a couple of rocks that need to be scratched up a bit.

And that’s the situation as I survey it.

After a 35-year career downstate livin’ amongst da trolls, during which he built a successful engineering and surveying business, John Matonich is back home in da U.P. His column will appear here occasionally, don’tcha know. His book “Surveyin’ Da Situation” is available on Amazon.com.