A few years ago, I jokingly suggested what we need in America is a third major political party called “The Rest of Us.”
After this long presidential campaign – which has resembled a drunken family Thanksgiving argument more than anything else – I’m not joking anymore.
I’m gonna do it. Who’s with me?
(This is where you picture Bluto Blutarski running around the room in “Animal House” after suggesting the guys not take Dean Wormer’s crap lying down.)
(And this is where you picture the guys not reacting then Belushi saying “What’s wrong with you guys?” then Stork saying “What the hell are we supposed to do, ya moron?” then Belushi launching into his speech about how the battle wasn’t over when the Nazis bombed Pearl Harbor.)
You in? Nobody? Fine. I’ll do it on my own: “Ahem, ahem, mi-mi-mi! Hear ye, hear ye, I do hereby declare the formal formation of the “The Rest of Us Party” – the great, middle-ground alternative to the Democrats and Republicans.”
Anyone is welcome to join by liking “The Rest of Us Party” page on Facebook and leaving sarcastic remarks about how screwed up politics are in this country.
But if you’re not sure The Rest of Us Party is for you, answer the following:
- During this presidential election, have you ever thought “Three hundred million people in the U.S. and THESE are the two best people the Democrats and Republicans could find?”
- Have you ever found yourself screaming at the TV during one of the debates, “Just answer the damned question!”
- When a campaign commercial comes on asking you “Call Congressman Joe Dingbat and tell him to stop kicking puppies!” do you instead want to kick the candidate behind the commercial?
If you answered “yes” or “hell yes” or even “You damn right!” to any of those questions, then “The Rest of Us Party” is probably right for you.
As acting party chair (whoooo! Par-tay!), I am open to suggestions for a party motto and symbol, although for now I think we’ll go with “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take this anymore” (cribbed of course from the great Howard Beale in the movie “Network”) and a drawing of a bull with a red circle and line through it for a symbol.
I’m also open to platform suggestions, but here’s a start. The Rest of Us Party believes:
- Government exists to get stuff done for the common good. Period.
- In common sense. Period.
- Arguing is stupid.
- All campaign contributions and campaign ads – aside from maybe hand-drawn signs saying “Vote for me”- should be banned.
- Campaigns should be restricted to one month, no more.
- Candidates should talk only about themselves, not their opponents.
- Voting should be mandatory.
- Lying – in office or while running for office – should be punishable by a public spanking.
- Above all else, politicians should not annoy the hell out of everybody. If they do, they will be subject to banishment to North Dakota or some equally horrible place.
There. That ought to fix things.
Image: via YouTube