In his State of the State address last month, Gov. Snyder offered a million bucks (really) to whoever comes up with the best idea to stop the dreaded Asian carp that are headed for the Great Lakes via Chicago’s waterways.
Once they make it – gulp, gulp, gulp – there goes the $7 billion sport fishing industry, according to the experts.
That would be terrible, of course. And I could use a million dollars, so here goes:
1) Create an ad campaign in Chicago that convinces kids all over the Windy City that Asian carp are perfect for aquariums. Parents will hate it because aquariums are filthy and the kids never feed the fish like they say they will. I speak from experience. But it’s a small price to pay in the end. The only problem is I’m not sure Asian carp are small enough to flush down the toilet after they go belly up.
2) Grizzlies. I saw a nature show the other day where a family of bears was in a stream swatting salmon out of the air like soap bubbles. Stick a bunch of grizzlies at the mouth of whatever river empties into Lake Michigan and problem solved. Grizzlies eat people, too, of course, which could be a problem in a densely populated city like Chicago. But the bears will probably be too full to bother. Probably.
3) Chicago has some great restaurants, right? Ask the city’s best chefs – as a public service – to create dishes to die for out of Asian carp. Food snobs will consume the entire population in weeks. (Hey, eating carp isn’t any grosser than eating snails.)
4) Convince McDonald’s they can get 10 Asian carp fillets for what it costs them for one of whatever fish they make their fish sandwich out of. They’ll empty the rivers. And customers either won’t know or won’t mind. You put enough tartar sauce on it, it all tastes the same.
5) Capture one Asian carp, tag it with a tiny microchip then have a contest like Willy Wonka’s golden ticket campaign. You catch the fish, you win a million bucks. Boom. Problem solved.
6) I know, I know, on that last one you’re thinking, “But what if the golden fish gets caught the first day or something?” Easy. You keep the fish safe in a secret aquarium somewhere for a year or so without telling anyone. It’s unethical, yes, but, y’know, morals, schmorals. We have an ecosystem to protect. (I’m fairly sure the PowerBall folks do kinda the same thing on occasion, by the way. That’s why you get those trillion dollar pots from time to time.)
7) Or here’s an idea. Since the Great Lakes are a precious, irreplaceable resource, maybe we, as good and civilized people, do two things: A) Elect people to high office, at the state and national levels, who will vote to use public resources to protect one of the true wonders of the world, and B) Throw out the bums who won’t.
Nah, you’re right. Too crazy. Let’s go with the grizzlies instead.
Image credit: U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service Headquarters
Hey! Who let the Asian carp into this country in the first place? Were they even vetted?
Excellent point. Unless they’re extreme vetted, I say we don’t let them in.
Hey! Who let the Asian carp into this country anyway? Were they properly vetted?
Chris is right! All we need to do is have Mr. Trump issue an executive order excluding all Asian immigrants from entry into Lake Michigan. Even refugee fish. Especially terrorist fish. It is a matter of national security, pure and simple. Ignore the simpering liberals and animal-rights activists who want to coddle the cod, who carp about carps’ rights.
If ever there were an example of our need for border control, this is it! Build a wall! Make America Great Again!
A wall! Why didn’t I think of that?
And! We talk about, “vetting.” Does this have something to do with VETerinarians? We patriotic Americans must be vigilant, and not let liberal crypto-Islamic-terrorist refugee fish-VETerinarians allow any of these carp in, in defiance of Mr. Trump, to undermine our Great American way of life. All fish are NOT created equal!
Andrew,
You are not just a comedian. Your suggestions #3, 4, 5, and 7 have merit.
Create a new sport. 4 man boats with a Steerer, a Shocker and two Netters and then let the teams compete. Time limits with winner getting the most fish and a tie measuring total weight. Start with 64 teams and as soon as champ is crowned, start another one, just like DWTS. Big money prizes, boat and tackle sponsors, ceremonies for winners and allow boat crew to use nets against other competitors. I’d watch…
It is extremely funny to see pathetic Democrats try to use any subject as an excuse to try and bash President Trump and/or Republicans. I can see you are still butthurt.
Hillary lost
Cry harder and flail more
It is hilarious and I love every bit of it because your pres is a big joke!
Whoops! Another liberal head explodes!
Capture and rehome them at Mar-A-Lago. When the carp become a nuisance there, I’m sure the Prez will sign an executive order calling for their annihilation.
And another!
Grizzly bears it is, problem solved.
Sec. of Ed. Betsy DeVos probably can help. She knows about Grizzleys, and she is from Michigan.
Whoops, there’s more! Wow! when will these explosions stop! I love it!
Ernie,
It won’t stop until free hands on both sides of the big ditch can press the same button at the same time.
There is a book for sale on Amazon that has hit the number 1 slot.
It is called “Reasons to vote for a democrat” by Michael J. Knowles.
The best part of the book that most of it goes over the heads of
democrats because they cannot understand the meaning of the book.
Andy you need to get yourself a copy of the book.
It fully explains the logical workings of the liberal mind.
That’s Shoes for Industry, Jim 3!
This book is incredibly insightful and fully explains why people should vote for Democrats. I can’t help but wonder what liberal will narrate the audio version!
Famous Recent Presidential Dopuses…
We perceived our President Gerald Ford as clumsy and maybe slow-witted. But, G.W. Bush was utterly worse, by a couple orders of magnitude. And, Mr. Trump trumps them all.
Are any of you old enough to remember Dan Quayle, Vice President under G.W. Bush’s dad, G.H.W. Bush? You may remember that Mr. Quayle told a Spelling Bee contestant that the word, “potato,” should be, “potatoe.”
Back in that day, my great band Luna Park put out a song, “President Quayle,” making fun of the idea that such a Bozo as Dan Quayle might conceivably become U.S. President. It was hilarious, and it was obvious then that Quayle was too dopey ever to be President.
However, looking back, Quayle was much smarter and more tuned-in than G.W. Bush and Trump!
I cannot provide a link to the song now, because I just loaned my CD out. But, I will put it up here as soon as possible.
A-HELL, where are you? Where are your surrogates? Almost a week since we heard from yall.
Just away on bidness. Back now.
Ladies and Gentlemen, Andrew Heller seems to have left the building. So, I will put up a new idea. Please respond if you see fit:
The Republicans have lost all credibility on Health Care. They have been saying, “Repeal and Replace,” for years. But, now, they are not doing either. They have no actual plan. They actually, apparently, just want to let us lose our health care, and die. They do not give a rip, one way or another. Just, as long as they repeal Mr. Obama’s law.
Do some of you regret voting for these nimrods?
Yes, they are nimrods.