The weather in Michigan this April has made just about everybody crazy. After five long months of winter glop already, a sixth seems like some kind of sick punishment. Everyone is tired of it.
Except for the incessantly positive people, of course.
I ran into one of these ridiculous creatures the other day.
“God, I’m sick of the weather,” I grumbled. “Can you believe this? Worst April of my life. I swear I’m moving to Florida.”
She smiled and said, “Oh, c’mon, it’s not that bad. It’s actually kind of pretty out, don’t you think?”
I eyed her suspiciously.
“Are you nuts?” I said. “Snow in November, December, January, February and March can be pretty. Snow in the middle of April is a crime against humanity!”
“Ah, but that’s the beauty of living in Michigan – we are blessed with four beautiful seasons.”
“Yeah, I said, “but the problem is you can get one of them in any of the other three. I had crocuses coming up, dammit. They’re now under a foot of snow.”
“We can’t pick the weather but we can pick our attitude about it,” she chirped. Incessantly positive people love using this line to show you how calm and superior they are. But I’ll bet you a million they swear and fume when the dog poops on the rug, just like the rest of us.
So I said, “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Are you’re telling me you never, ever get upset by crappy weather?”
“That’s what I’m saying.”
“And you’re fine with winters that stretch into June?”
“Yup. When God gives you snow, make snow angels.”
“And you’ve never once been perturbed when you shovel the driveway and it’s covered again half an hour later?”
“Never. Besides, even if the weather did bother me, complaining about it doesn’t do any good.”
Ah, that’s where she’s wrong. I wouldn’t expect the obnoxiously positive to understand, but whining and complaining about the weather is, in fact, a great stress reliever. According to a scientific study I just made up, people who air their grievances about the weather are 95 percent less likely to punch solid walls or holler at small children.
On the other hand, the same study found that smug people who never express frustration with the weather are 78 percent more likely than normal people to snap after one too many cloudy, drizzly days.
“The problem with excessively positive people,” says a psychologist friend of my mine, “is they’ve repressed decades of perfectly normal gripes about Michigan’s crappy weather. One day they’re just going to blow.”
I mentioned this to my Suzy Sunshine friend and she said, “I’m sure that won’t happen to me. Although now that you mention it, it does bother me a teensy bit that my kids will be in school until July because of all the snow days this winter. And I have to admit I was a tad annoyed when the snow killed my tulips. I mean, c’mon, it’s April, for crying out loud. Did we OFFEND someone? Do we need to sacrifice a GOAT to the weather gods or something? For the love of Mike, it’s May in two weeks and we’re STILL using the snow blower! That’s it, I’m moving to Florida!”
Eventually, they all come over to the dark side.