Before we all humbly give thanks on Thursday, I’d like to get a few things off my chest. As is my annual tradition (perhaps a redundancy there), here are a few things I’m not thankful for:
- Whose genius idea is behind the open/close buttons on elevators? Am I the only one who isn’t mentally quick enough to pick the right one when someone says, “Hold the elevator!” I’m always a beat too late because my little pea brain has to process which set of arrows means open vs. closed, and then the person rushing for the elevator misses it and thinks I’m to blame. I usually try to explain through the closing crack, “It’s not me! It’s the arrows! The arrows!” But I suspect they think I did it on purpose. In some cases, they’re right. But not usually.
- Why are people who pay cash for gas punished? Oh, you credit users just pop in your card and out comes the gas. Easy-peasy. But I’m a cash guy. I set a weekly budget. That much cash goes in my wallet, and when it’s gone I know to stop spending. It keeps me out of trouble. When I use cash at the gas station, I end up playing this little game of guessing how much gas I need, which is annoying because I like a full tank. Is that so wrong? A full tank just seems right and proper, like a job well done. A tank where the gauge says it’s only 3/4ths full seems like a little failure. And another thing, gas stations, if your policy is going to be that cash people have to come inside first, then maybe you should say that right on the pump. That way I won’t hate you for making me fuss with the pump, jab buttons, and do the annoyed “what gives” gesture in your direction before stomping inside to pre-pay and ask you why you don’t have a pre-pay warning on your stupid pump. Is that too much to ask? I don’t think so. (The last time this happened, I asked the clerk whether he knew there was no “come inside to pay” sign on the pump. His entire response: “Yeah.” It was actually refreshing. At least he was honest – he knew, didn’t care and wasn’t going to do anything about it. Deal with it, customer-dude.)
- Why is it so hard to find good shoelaces – the round, thick kind that come with the shoes when you buy them? The kind you buy at 7-11 or Rite Aid are the thin, crappy ones that are hard to grasp much less tie. I hate that. And don’t tell me to go to the shoe store to get some good ones because that’s a pain in the butt and you know it. My biggest problem with shoelaces, however, is not remembering how many eyelets they have. I’m never wearing the shoes that need laces when I’m standing at the shoelace rack. So I end up guessing how many eyelets they have, and always guess wrong, meaning I’m now stuck with laces way too long or way too short. Short is worse. Have you ever tried to use eight-eyelet laces in 10-eyelet shoes? I have. You end up trying to tie a knot with an inch of lace, which is impossible. So you unlace them and use just eight eyelets. Then you worry about how dumb that looks at work all day. I know you smug prepared people are thinking, “Why don’t you just count your eyelets before going to the store, dummy?” And my equally smug reply is “Because I have a life and I don’t think about shoelaces until I’m already in a store and happen to spot them, by which time it’s too late. If I had my way there’d be a chain of stores called Shoelaces R Us. One on every corner. Then I’d always remember my shoelace needs because I’d see the store. And the store would always have what I need. Hey, young, annoying entrepreneurs, there’s a free idea for you. You’re welcome.
- And since it’s Thanksgiving, may I say that giblets are not food. I’m not sure what they are but I do know they don’t belong in stuffing or gravy.
I have plenty more ridiculous gripes, of course (I’m a guy – we’re filled with them ) but I’m plumb out of space, which I’m not thankful for, either.
Life’s hard. You have no idea.
(By all means, please comment below with your whines, gripes, bitches and moans. I”ll work them into future columns!)
Image credit: Keith