Before we all humbly give thanks on Thursday, I’d like to get a few things off my chest. As is my annual tradition (perhaps a redundancy there), here are a few things I’m not thankful for:
- Whose genius idea is behind the open/close buttons on elevators? Am I the only one who isn’t mentally quick enough to pick the right one when someone says, “Hold the elevator!” I’m always a beat too late because my little pea brain has to process which set of arrows means open vs. closed, and then the person rushing for the elevator misses it
and thinks I’m to blame. I usually try to explain through the closing crack, “It’s not me! It’s the arrows! The arrows!” But I suspect they think I did it on purpose. In some cases, they’re right. But not usually. - Why are people who pay cash for gas punished? Oh, you credit users just pop in your card and out comes the gas. Easy-peasy. But I’m a cash guy. I set a weekly budget. That much cash goes in my wallet, and when it’s gone I know to stop spending. It keeps me out of trouble. When I use cash at the gas station, I end up playing this little game of guessing how much gas I need, which is annoying because I like a full tank. Is that so wrong? A full tank just seems right and proper, like a job well done. A tank where the gauge says it’s only 3/4ths full seems like a little failure. And another thing, gas stations, if your policy is going to be that cash people have to come inside first, then maybe you should say that right on the pump. That way I won’t hate you for making me fuss with the pump, jab buttons, and do the annoyed “what gives” gesture in your direction before stomping inside to pre-pay and ask you why you don’t have a pre-pay warning on your stupid pump. Is that too much to ask? I don’t think so. (The last time this happened, I asked the clerk whether he knew there was no “come inside to pay” sign on the pump. His entire response: “Yeah.” It was actually refreshing. At least he was honest – he knew, didn’t care and wasn’t going to do anything about it. Deal with it, customer-dude.)
- Why is it so hard to find good shoelaces – the round, thick kind that come with the shoes when you buy them? The kind you buy at 7-11 or Rite Aid are the thin, crappy ones that are hard to grasp much less tie. I hate that. And don’t tell me to go to the shoe store to get some good ones because that’s a pain in the butt and you know it. My biggest problem with shoelaces, however, is not remembering how many eyelets they have. I’m never wearing the shoes that need laces when I’m standing at the shoelace rack. So I end up guessing how many eyelets they have, and always guess wrong, meaning I’m now stuck with laces way too long or way too short. Short is worse. Have you ever tried to use eight-eyelet laces in 10-eyelet shoes? I have. You end up trying to tie a knot with an inch of lace, which is impossible. So you unlace them and use just eight eyelets. Then you worry about how dumb that looks at work all day. I know you smug prepared people are thinking, “Why don’t you just count your eyelets before going to the store, dummy?” And my equally smug reply is “Because I have a life and I don’t think about shoelaces until I’m already in a store and happen to spot them, by which time it’s too late. If I had my way there’d be a chain of stores called Shoelaces R Us. One on every corner. Then I’d always remember my shoelace needs because I’d see the store. And the store would always have what I need. Hey, young, annoying entrepreneurs, there’s a free idea for you. You’re welcome.
- And since it’s Thanksgiving, may I say that giblets are not food. I’m not sure what they are but I do know they don’t belong in stuffing or gravy.
I have plenty more ridiculous gripes, of course (I’m a guy – we’re filled with them ) but I’m plumb out of space, which I’m not thankful for, either.
Life’s hard. You have no idea.
(By all means, please comment below with your whines, gripes, bitches and moans. I”ll work them into future columns!)
Image credit: Keith
I don’t even think of the elevator door buttons, I just stick out my hand and literally “ho de do”.
Lots of cars now have a readout of how many gallons are left ’til empty. I know you can do the math for gallons to fill, but it seems like that would be easy to program into it.
My own personal car peeve? I want a speedometer that only goes from 0-80. I am absolutely never going to go faster than that, and I’d rather trade range for resolution and accuracy.
Giblets are the turkeys guts and like you I don’t eat guts or intestines or anything you have to cut into the animal to retrieve. A liver is a filter for the bird. Filter like your oil filter, coffee filter, lint trap, furnace filter. They all trap garbage and I don’t eat that! I know people will say there is no toxins in a liver, just not appealing to me.
Do you ever eat hot dogs? Kielbasa? Did you ever wonder what they use to hold all the meat into that nice tube shape? What! You just found out and you will never eat them again……
No I knew. Eat away if you like.
Dear..dear. Somebody needs an early Festivus this year. Not that that’s a bad thing.
Two great Seinfeld references in one short post! Hooray!
Looking around in the garage for the aluminum pole. We mount it in an old Xmas tree stand.
Try loading your gas cash onto a prepaid debit card. Then you can use your cash at the pump. Keep that card for gas only.
Re elevators – I always stick my arm in the door. That works best, but then I always wonder what kind of timing is needed and how powerful that particular door is, if it does not work. So far, so good.
Re shoelaces – I agree with everything you said. There are good ones and bad ones. But my question is “Why are you rough on shoelaces?” I have the same ones when my shoes are worn out, and believe me I keep the shoes a long time.
Re gas purchases – I agree, we use cash, and are angry that so many stations have gone to the pre-pay. Just because they have had some jerks who run off without paying, we have to change our ways. You’re right, when you go through the process, you want to know your tank is full – -otherwise, it’s not a completed effort! Fun column!
I have a Chevy Equinox, and my cut off amount for gas is $40…no more than that, so if it doesn’t fill up from that amount, it’s close enough!
Dear Andrew….when I get this grouchy my fella says, “Somebody needs a nap.”
That makes me more grouchy!!
No one likes it when their crabbiness/sarcasm isn’t appreciated.
Here is my most annoying gripe: I hate it when signs or announcements have words spelled wrong, incorrect punctuation, and every other sin against grammar that can be committed. I also dislike the deceptive spelling of words to make the sign more noticeable, such as: “Kar Klean-Let us Kare for your Kar.” Finally, it drives me crazy when a sign advertises an event that took place 3 weeks ago. Thanks! Now I feel much better!
Me, two.
Add to that what I’d call “apostrophe catastrophes”: apostrophes where they don’t belong and/or not where they should be.
One of the reasons that the elevator open/close buttons do not have the words open/close words anymore is that that is the way the buttons are in Europe. That’s the way it is.
Yes, signs that are still advertising something that has come and gone. Biggest peeve is all the election signs that hang around for months after an election.
If you are going to spell words on a sign, use proper spelling.
While my sweet spouse had forbidden me to to do it, for many years I have wanted to grab some election signs when we are traveling through another state. Then,at the next election, put them in our front yard and let folks try to figure them out.
I’m doing this…love it
Re elevator door arrows: Oh, thank heavens Andy, I thought I was the only one who had that trouble.
They’re one of life’s most awful things.
Daylight Savings Time! Arf! Woof!
Agree! Pointless.
You can buy shoelaces online. You can pick color, length, style, gage (diameter), etc. They are delivered right to your door. I keep a small supply on hand in my sock drawer and also my car console. I have not suffered a “shoelace emergency” in over 20 years.
But you can’t feel them. And I’m not that organized.
Feel them?… The shoe eyelets don’t care about the lace texture. The eyelets can take what you give them and be thankful.
I NEVER understand why so many people want to go out on Wednesday night, just before Thanksgiving and get hammered. It is one of the biggest bar nights of the year. How can anybody survive Thanksgiving Day hung over? I just don’t get it. Go out and have drinks on a weekend night, if you don’t have to work the next day.
The day doesn’t matter. People like to go out and get hammered.
Wednesday night before Thanksgiving: People in their 20s and 30s return home for Thanksgiving, from wherever/everywhere they live now. And, they go out Wed., Fri., and Sat. nights. They meet their old friends, and eat and drink. (The old friends also have returned home.)
My great band the Prodigals used to play at the Blind Pig in Ann Arbor on Fridays after Thanksgiving. It always was one of the biggest gigs of any year.
Well, all I can say, Andy, is if those are the biggest problems in your life, you are truly blessed.
Right on! But there’s also my flat feet, so …
Have any of read the list of ingredients in today’s packages? If you do do you understand what some of the listed items are?
I would much rather have giblets in real home made gravy than gravy that comes from a package from a store. UGH…..
Many years ago I learned things from working in fast food restaurants and from the FDA and the USDA.
If you take 10 pounds of hamburger and remove 3 pounds from it, then you could literally mix 3 pounds of raw sewage to the hamburger and under government guidelines still call it 100% pure hamburger.
MANY years ago, maybe, but as a former retail meat department manager I can tell you that is 100% false today. You can’t even mix one pound of pork with 9 pounds of ground beef and still call it ground beef. It must be properly labeled to show what is in it. If caught doing that your business could be fined $10,000 per violation and/or be shut down. Mixing raw sewage or anything else foreign into the meat is an instant shut down. Sometimes hunters would come in with their venison chopped up in a bucket and ask us to grind it for them. If our store allowed us to do this, we could not grind any of our own meat until that grinder was completely cleaned and sanitized as is the law. The same food safety regulations are applied to restaurants. Cross contamination is highly forbidden.
I will give you that until about the early 1990s some butchers and restaurants were pulling all kinds of illegal crap to increase their profits, but to try that now would be asking for a lot of problems that are not worth the extra dollars.
Fred, open yur and read my post again. I said that under USDA GUIDELINES AND REGULATIONS it would be possible to do such a thing. If you had 10 pounds of a product and you removed 3 pounds of it and replaced it with some other type product you can still call it 100% pure. The hamburger you get from the supermarket is held to a higher standard than some other products. There are still products that manufacturers can use such a formula.