The University of Michigan is catching heat for stuffing dry ice down groundhog holes to kill the little buggers, which are apparently chunneling the heck of out north campus.
The university is worried their passageways will “undermine the foundations of structures, porches and pavement,” according to a news account. So one minute the Lurie Bell Tower is there then, poof, it’s gone, swallowed whole by a groundhog sinkhole.
That would suck.
A university spokesperson said groundhogs “are capable of moving a lot of dirt in their digging,” which can create a tripping hazard.
Fair enough, except for the fact that most of the university is crisscrossed with sidewalks, so unless they tunnel through concrete the risk of tripping seems a bit remote. College students, of course, are known to lounge, play and cavort in the grass. So that could be problematic.
Then again life is risky, so …
If I had to choose, I guess I’d side with the groundhogs. I don’t have any particular fondness for them. They’ve tunneled a yard or three of mine and it always made me angry. As my Grandma Rose used to say, “The only good varmint is a dead varmint.” Or was that Carl Spackler?
But to my surprise I’ve become more of a pacifist over the years. I never used to think twice about crushing spiders inside the house. Now I carry them outside where they no doubt think, “Well, that was inconsiderate. Now I’ve gotta go to the hassle of getting back inside again.”
Besides, suffocating the poor bastards in their dens seems a bit unsporting. That’s what the dry ice does. When it evaporates, it produces carbon dioxide, thereby choking the groundhogs. Imagine how awful that would be. Imagine you’re a groundhog and you see a pretty white fog rolling down the tunnel: “Oh, look, party fog. It must be Halloween. I’ll go get my costume on.” Then, whammo, all of sudden you go from pushing up dirt to pushing up daisies.
I think what bothers me most is we’re talking here about the University of Michigan. The place is full of giant brains, and yet they can’t think of a humane way to get rid of groundhogs? At least bring in Bill Murray and his plastic explosive squirrels – something creative and not so crass.
Or how about this: just don’t kill them at all. By killing groundhogs instead of capturing and relocating them, UM is abandoning its principles as a liberal bastion of love, peace, freedom and intellectualism.
UM is better than that.
As a lifelong UM fan that irritates me enough to suggest that, on the evening before this fall’s big game, MSU students seed the heck out of the entire UM campus with groundhogs wearing green Sparty sweaters.
And maybe equip them with little backpack oxygen tanks for the inevitable retaliatory strike.
Just in case.
Image credit: via Giphy
Some troll will figure out a way to politicize this. Somehow, some way, this will turn into a debate about Trump and Latin Americans and Neo-Nazis. I do not know how, but, please, mark my words. Stay tuned to this channel.
We need a wall…a beautiful wall and the groundhog problem is solved.
Hey Andrew – I’ve been trying to live trap groundhogs for several decades. They are too wary to enter live traps despite enticing bait. My wife gets pretty ornery when they dig in her flower beds and trim up her tomato plants etc, so anti-NRA me actually was commissioned by the head of the household to be a hit man. Have had a .22 rifle in my house the last several years to provide plant protection.
Sorry Andrew, but I have to disagree with you. Groundhogs can be very destructive. Last year I had to jack up and re-level my wood working shop because of them tunneling under the footing. At that point my sympathy level for those critters turned into negative numbers. Go U of M! Oh, and it you think back to your High School science classes, carbon dioxide does not “consume” oxygen. It simply replaces it.
“it produces carbon dioxide that consumes the oxygen”
Um…. No… The subliming CO2 displaces the ambient air in the critter’s tunnels. They get way more CO2 and way less O2 from the air and they suffocate.
I rewrote that passage, so thank you.
I think they are just worried about the football team tripping.
“Bill Murray and his plastic explosive squirrels ” Is that a Caddy Shack reference? If so, don’t you mean Dan Aykroyd?
Bill Murrary was in Caddyshack, not Aykroyd
You must be joking or pulling a change reality tactic that would make Trump proud.
My mistake. I was thinking Caddyshack II
No – Bill Murray did play greens keeper Carl Spackler in Caddyshack.
The football stadium has some come real concerns about the critters tunneling under the football field and sidelines, why some football players could be injured. There is also the issue of the sidelines having groundhog tunnels under them, The cheerleaders from some of the rival schools could injure themselves while grazing on the sidelines. Especially the ones from OSU.
You know why seagulls fly upside down over Ohio? Nothing worth pooping on!
If Obama didn’t kick the can down the road the groundhog problem would have been solved! It has to be his fault!
One started digging a tunnel next to my house foundation. I threw a couple of mothballs down it. In a few days, I filled it in, and blocked the top with a cement block. Now he is occasionally seen at a distance from the house.
Mothballs are a universal pest repellent. Good for skunk, mouse, gophers, and wasp nests etc.