Someday soon in the CNN boardroom …
“Ladies and gentlemen, ratings are through the floor since Trump left office,” the chairman of the board said darkly. “We need to shake things up and find a way to get viewers back! Any ideas?”
“I know,” said one executive. “Let’s add more stuff to the screen – more graphics, more moving headlines, more previews, more mini-screens, more split screens more sidebars. More everything! People love more!”
“Great idea, Johnson. But if we add any more ‘more’ no one will be able to see the anchor. Next idea!”
“How about more breaking news?” another exec chimed in. “In fact, let’s call everything breaking news.”
“We already do that, even for budget hearings. I think people are starting to catch on.”
“Ah, but what if we called it Extremely Breaking News – a whole new level of breaking news.”
“That’s genius, Smith, but not enough. C’mon, people, dig deeper.”
The room came alive with ideas.
“How about more hilarious videos of raccoons with their head stuck in a jar!”
“More heart-warming videos of extreme wedding proposals and gender reveals!”
“More footage of returning soldiers!”
“More royal family stories, including the pets of fourth cousins twice removed!”
“More commercials, especially ones for prescription drugs! People can’t get enough of those.”
“More panels of people no one knows giving you their opinion about the news?”
“How about instead of covering just three news stories in any 24-hour period, we reduce it just one!”
Finally, an older man who hadn’t spoken yet raised his hand.
“I know this sounds crazy, but what if we just, you know, covered the news. All the news. Real news. Without any spin. And we had, like, one ordinary-looking person sit behind a desk and read it. You know, so people were actually informed about what’s going on in the world. That should be the goal, right?”
The room fell silent. Finally, the chairman of the board cleared his throat and said, “Sir, are you seriously suggesting we should cover more news and not less?”
“And that we don’t have panel after panel of so-called experts give their opinion on the news?”
“And that we limit the definition of news to what’s actually important and newsworthy?”
”And that we don’t report that news with any sort of political bias or spin whatsoever?”
“And that we get rid of all the graphics and chyrons and split-screens and pretty people?”
The chairman pondered for a moment then roared, “That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. Get this man out of here! Now, let’s get back to business. We need a blockbuster idea and we need it fast.”
“I’ve got it,” someone cried. “How about if we have celebrities read the news?”
“Hey, now …” the chairman said, stroking his chin.
“And not just celebrities, but celebrities reading the news while wearing elaborate costumes like on ‘The Masked Singer’”?
“Brilliant!” everyone in the room cried.
Look for that starting soon. You heard it here first.