I was watching TV the other day when a commercial came on for a company that makes gigantic teddy bears. I do not remember the announcer’s exact words but they were something along the lines of “Hey guys, buy your special lady a 6-foot teddy bear and she will – wink-wink, nudge-nudge – return the favor later that night, if you know what I mean – ah-WOO-gah, ah-WOO-gah!” There may have been other sound effects like honk honk or wheee-wheee as well. It’s hard to remember.
But that was the gist.
Several observations: One, who the hell wants a 6-foot teddy bear? Kids, yes, I can see that. But adult women – do they really want one of these things?
To find out I turned to my favorite test subject, the lovely yet formidable Marcia, who was watching the commercial with me. I slyly said, “Hey, maybe I’ll get you one of those.”
Without looking away from the TV she said, “I would kill you.”
And I think she meant it. Literally. You don’t know her. I sleep with one eye open.
I asked her why she wouldn’t want one and she put down her popcorn, looked at me and said, “One, it’s over the top. Two, I’m a grown woman. That’s cute when you’re 18 but a grown woman doesn’t want a teddy bear any more than you want a G.I. Joe doll. We want dinner, OK? Three, where would I put something that big?”
“I’m that big,” I reminded her.
“Exactly. It’d be another you sitting around taking up space, except I don’t have to dust you. Are you going to dust it because I’m not going to dust it?”
So, OK, that’s out.
Second observation: Have you noticed that just about every TV commercial for Valentine’s Day strongly implies a male-female quid pro quo (which is Latin for “If I give you something you gotta give me something in return –wink-wink, nudge-nudge, heh-heh, thank you very much, guvnah! Ah-WOO-gah!”)
I’m sure that’s been obvious to you all along but I only noticed it this year. I don’t catch on quickly.
But it’s true. Chocolate commercials do it, fruit bouquet commercials do it, flower shop commercials do it. Even car commercials do it: “Get your sweetie a new car and she’ll be so happy she’ll …” What, wash your fenders?
Honestly, if I were a woman and it was clear a guy wanted something in return for his Valentine’s gift, I’d purr seductively and say, “And here’s something for you, big boy!” Then hand him a new wrench. “The upstairs faucet is leaking. Make yourself useful.”
Or I’d deck him – one of the two.
Call me a mushy husband or an old-fashioned romantic but a Valentine’s gift, like all gifts, should come with no strings attached, no expectations. It should be a natural and strings-free expression of your respect, admiration and love.
And I’m almost certain I’d say that even if Marcia weren’t reading over my shoulder.
I have collected Teddy Bears since I was 21. I have my grandfathers’ antique teddy that my aunt gave me, but I can honestly say that I would not want a giant Teddy Bear as a gift from anyone. And I love Teddy Bears. Where would you put it?? Maybe outside on a deck chair?? Not a good present for Valentines Day. Weekend away would be a much better idea….
If a woman over 30 gets this dreadful teddy bear it won’t take her long to figure out he was drunk when he ordered it.
No wink wink nudge for you big guy!!
My wife said to me. Why would I want another thing in the house with a gut that big. I already have one living with me!!! Haha Oh well.?
Andrew, I find you endlessly entertaining. Thanks.
Thanks Kathy!
Most women know that “true love” is “unconditional love” which never expects a quip pro quo! When a guy obviously wants something in return, he is blatantly saying, ” I don”t really love you , I’m just trying to please my selfish self.” His woman – if she has a workin brain – should be insulted and enraged.
One=you are soooo right about that gut wrenching monkey/puppy/baby mutation AND they are still running it. Where did the idiot get that idea. Two= I recently seen a video with a cute use for those 6 foot teddy bears. Two teenage girls had one and promptly ripped the back seam out, tore out all the stuffing and had themselves a very cute costume to walk around in.They were having a lot of fun with it. As for a grown woman?? This is one of the biggest $100 rip offs I’ve ever seen. Good post. Keep them coming.
I guess it worked because we’re talking about it but how hard is it to be irritating?
Hahaha. My husband tried the same line on me when we saw the commercial. I’m sure he wasn’t serious. I wonder how many of those giant teddy bears they sold. Thanks for writing about this. My husband and I got a good laugh.
Oh he was serious. We always are.
You make me laugh out loud. I think that a huge teddy bear would complicate the whole extra, decorative pillows thing that adorn some people’s beds (you know, the ones that have to be removed every night to make room for the bed’s inhabitants and put back on in the morning to beautify the bed).