You know what I’d like? I’d like to be put in charge of which commercials get on TV and which don’t – a one-man review board, if you will.
If I were, TV would be a lot less annoying than it is.
You wouldn’t have commercials for oversized, manly-man pick-ups that clamber over boulders while comedian Denis Leary babbles on in tough guy-speak about torque ratios. What the hell’s a torque ratio and who hauls four tons of road rubble? Most pick-up owners I know would be horrified if their precious bed-liners got scratched.
You wouldn’t have commercials with cars driving ridiculous speeds on empty roads – or, worse, on the salt flats of Utah – just because, c’mon, who does that? If you drove like that, you’d get a ticket – you know you would, and then your spouse would hassle you about it for miles: “I told you you were going too fast. But did you listen – noooo.” Please.
And, listen, if you drive on salt flats, you’re seriously lost, OK? Next time try GPS.
You also would not have 12-minute commercials for prescription medicines. There’s a special place in hell for whatever government yahoo let these things on TV. Who knew there are so many diseases, maladies, conditions, defects and syndromes? By sheer repetition, these things are slowly turning me into a hypochondriac. I wonder “Hmm, maybe I have that.”
Then there’s this: If the wonder drug they want me to ask my doctor about is so damned great, how come they spend the last five minutes of these commercials listing all the horrible side effects, which usually sound a lot worse than whatever the heck I’ve supposedly got in the first place?
Most of all, I would give the thumbs down to all commercials for products related to bodily functions and private regions.
We don’t need these. We don’t need commercials starring cartoon bears with bits of toilet paper stuck to their backsides. We don’t need some British woman asking us about what we use on our bums. That’s just gross.
We don’t need talking beds and chairs complaining about their gassy owners. We don’t need commercials featuring babies running around with a load in the back. (Hey, mom and dad, how about changing the kid instead of buying him a diaper that holds more and in a more aesthetically-pleasing way?)
We don’t need cutesy cartoon depictions of toenail rot, zits, hemorrhoids, bad breath, overactive bladders, phlegmy noses or grumbly intestines.
We get it. We’re human beings. Life is messy, and nobody’s perfect. We don’t need ads constantly reminding us about the human condition when we’re trying to relax. We all know where the pharmacy is – if we need something, we’ll go get it.
Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I prefer a little decorum.
As my pal Moon Dimple said once while watching a commercial in which a woman quizzes a busload of passengers about whether they have occasional constipation or not, “Lady, if I did, I sure as heck wouldn’t be blabbing about it to you.”
Ernie Davis says
May 1, 2016 at 8:16 amAnd, Andy, ALL of those stupid commercials come on at dinner time, just as I’m getting ready to eat while watching Vanna! You have my vote for this!
Liz says
May 1, 2016 at 9:23 amI am 110% with you. I do not know how direct marketing for meds is even legal let alone ethical. One is supposed to ask one’s doctor for magic pill #9 but should’t it be the doctor driving that train? It must be pharmaceutical reps can’t get past the lobby, can’t give lavish perks anymore so they bypass the docs altogether. PS, you did not mention the Viagra et all ones that air back to back, especially at nite!
Andie B says
May 1, 2016 at 9:34 amI totally agree, but I have to add the erectile dysfunction drugs, those commercials are annoying also…………….
JimS says
May 1, 2016 at 9:43 amPerfectly said. You got to admit though the toilet paper commercial with the roll holding frog is funny!!!
Louise Dawson says
May 1, 2016 at 9:56 amSounds like you’re a candidate for more public broadcasting and less commercial TV or learn how to better utilize your DVR by recording the program so you can zip past that silly bear. It works. But the sad truth is that these big companies wouldn’t continue to pour money into this form of advertising if it wasn’t effective.
Amy says
May 1, 2016 at 10:07 amI can’t stand those viagara commercials- they disgust me and they go on and on and on and the men are always old guys with young women- which is also gross.
Linda Ann says
May 1, 2016 at 12:14 pmYour column is awesome today! I laughed out loud reading through the whole thing. When I see those commercials in the future, I will think about your column today, and laugh out loud some more!
Kelly O'Leary says
May 1, 2016 at 12:43 pmThe new one that really made my jaw drop is the one where 3 women are standing there trimming little “bushes” strategically placed in front of their “bushes.” I mean really.
Pamela Kruse says
May 1, 2016 at 4:35 pmWhere are the censors when we need the!
Sue says
May 1, 2016 at 1:57 pmAnd what’s the connection with ED Meds and couples sitting in bathtubs on hillsides? Is it an erotic thing? I musta missed that sex Ed class.
Pamela Kruse says
May 1, 2016 at 4:31 pmMe too! Let’s go back to tv censorship!
Sal says
May 1, 2016 at 1:59 pmYou are always so spot on with your observations! Include me with those that appreciate having a DVR! Continue writing about items that annoy you – I agree with most of them, so feel ‘right’ to have the same feelings – some of the time!!
What a year for political jokes, comments & cartoons!
Linda Ann says
May 1, 2016 at 2:15 pmI also love all the great comments today! They are true and hilarious!
Tresa says
May 1, 2016 at 2:37 pmI’d be delighted to vote for you as the one-man review board rather than any of the current leading Presidential candidates!!
CHERYL TOLCHER says
May 1, 2016 at 2:44 pmAnd the commercials for Osphena with the old, gray-haired lady who’s always daydreaming about her next roll in the hay with her old geezer. Jeeze Louise!!!
Karen says
May 1, 2016 at 4:30 pmAs usual, your column makes me smile. I have recently found the mute button
Quite effective. There is one commercial where the guy raps and charges the TV screen. I want to throw something at him. Muting the politians brings me great joy.
You say it well. Keep on trucking…but not over the boulders!
Andrew Heller says
May 1, 2016 at 4:51 pmThanks, Karen. I may need to do a column on my Top 10 All-Time Most Hated Commercials.
Pamela Kruse says
May 1, 2016 at 4:33 pmHow about all the attorney,”call me” lawsuit commercials!
Karen says
May 1, 2016 at 5:41 pmCan’t stand those either!! Especially Jeffery Fieger!
Don’t those attorneys have enough money?!
Beverlie Ringle says
May 1, 2016 at 6:34 pmCan’t agree more! I want to throw something at the TV every time I see the bear’s or being asked if I went commando’ Mr. Whipple where are you? I agree with about med’s. Especially like the one where the side-effect is death. Don’t even ask me about the couple on the beach in bathtubs. Being handicapped I’m home and watch TV a lot.
Susan says
May 1, 2016 at 10:17 pmThe mute button is my friend
Susan says
May 1, 2016 at 10:19 pmThe mute button is my friend! Hit it immediately when going to commericals
Loren M says
May 1, 2016 at 11:06 pmI hate the ads with songs, I’m tempted to throw the remote thru the screen rather than hit mute. I suppose it could get worse, they could start start singing about feminine hygiene and erectile dysfunction.
Michael Page says
May 3, 2016 at 7:42 amHate to be the downer to all this fun, but those pharmaceutical commercials and lawyer commercials (noon news) are costing us all money. Somebody is paying billions more for medications and auto insurance so the commercials can air and big pharma and big lawyers can reap huge benefits. Not so funny.
Andrew Heller says
May 3, 2016 at 7:59 amRight on, Michael. Big Pharma is a big part of why few can afford decent coverage anymore.