Come Heller high water …
- Every winter, there is a moment where I reach the “over it” stage of winter, and there’s no going back. I reached it this week. I had just come in from doing the driveway for the 872nd time, took my boots off, sat down to watch TV with the lovely yet formidable one and the first thing that came on was a commercial for a Sandals resort. It’s a good thing I didn’t have a brick handy or the TV wouldn’t have survived.
- When I reach this stage, my voice involuntarily takes on a whiny tone whenever the subject is the weather, I can see no good in humanity, and it’s all I can do not to strangle those obnoxious “happy” people who chirp, “You have to embrace winter!” A gulag would be too good for these people.
- I keep telling myself, “Four months done, one more to go.” Then again, where I live, we had a massive snowstorm on April 30. So make that two months to go.
- Only in Michigan do we have Walmart parking lot snow mountains that last into June.
- Snow shovels these days are awfully flimsy. Have you noticed that? What idiot decided plastic was any match for ice?
- I see Cobo Hall in Detroit just sold naming rights to Chemical Bank. Nothing against Chemical Bank but I wish stadiums and other venues weren’t named for businesses. It’s a lot more fun going to, say, Tiger Stadium than Comerica Park. And I don’t care how long it’s been DTE Energy Music Theatre, it’ll always be Pine Knob to me.
- I wouldn’t at all be opposed, however, if a business wanted to pay me $1.5 million (the amount they’re paying Cobo) a year to call me Chemical Bank Heller. For
a little more they could call my kids Christmas Club, Interest Free Checking Account, and 30-Year Fixed. - Greta Van Fleet won a Grammy for best rock album. So why don’t you ever hear them on the radio? (Cue Gen Y-ers: “The what?” It’s a thing in your car dashboard that tells the time plays m.) I smell the work of consultants. Consultants spoil everything, especially radio. There are only four types of FM music stations left these days: country (ick), pop songs sung by young ladies who all sound alike and for all I know might be the same person), hip-hop (ick) and oldies (acceptable, but c’mon, Journey wasn’t that great, OK?). I’m too young to remember the days when radio jocks with taste played whatever they liked, but I wish those days would return. I know I have the world’s music at my fingertips with my cell, but sometimes I’d like to hear what others think is worthy.
- Words I like: plum, gizmo and recalcitrant. (Look it up.)
- Apropos of nothing: I’m thinking about going back to a landline. Why? Because I always forget to leave the ringer on my cell phone on. Then I either end up thinking either, “Why isn’t anyone calling?” or “What if the kids needed us?”
- Today’s Truism: The 5 -second rule does not apply to car floors, even if you drop your last McDonald’s French fry.
- If the Lions don’t sign Le’Veon Bell, they’re idiots. MSU guy. Stud running back. What’s not to love? (And of course they won’t because – say it with me – they’re the Lions. They never met a good opportunity that they liked.)
- A United States Postal Service worker is charged for having nearly 15,000 pieces of undelivered mail in her home. I wonder if her name is Newman. (Only “Seinfeld” fans will get that. See, there was this episode where … oh, never mind.)
- I distinctly remember The Farmer’s Almanac saying we were going to get a warmer, drier winter. Clearly, they flubbed. I’m freezing my soy beans off just about every day, and snow-blowing three times a day. I’m surprised when it isn’t snowing. That’s how snowy it’s been.
- According to a new study that measured 43 metrics from pot to porn use to, oddly enough, number of hair salons (vanity?), Michigan is the 9th most sinful state in the union. I’m surprised we’re that high. I didn’t think we were that interesting. Some of you are clearly having more fun than me. Where’s my invitation?
- I’m glad New York told Amazon to buzz off. Using tax breaks to compete for companies ought to be outlawed. Flint played that game with GM for decades, always knuckling under. How’d that work out? Companies should pay their fair share.
- “There are more things that frighten us than injure us, and we suffer more in imagination than in reality.” – Seneca.
Photo by Nazym Jumadilova on Unsplash
A glimmer of hope about winter. I saw two red winged blackbirds at my feeder this morning!!! Probably lost is my best guess.
I saw a robin on my deck railing a couple weeks ago or so. I think he was lost.
Sigh…thanks for another great column, Dave. I mean Andrew!
You reminded me why I get so crabby this time of year. Indeed everything you wrote found me nodding in agreement. And your words managed to generate a smile on another winter weather advisory day.
Regarding music, there is a girl group called Black Pink, or Pink Black that were on a TV talk show recently heard performed. Honesty, how these four girls got a contract is beyond belief. And the audience screamed and clapped afterwards. It must have been contrived if fourteen year girls who were tone deaf.
I am so with you on stadium names, and one more thing. The lady’s name surely was Newman. Thanks again.
There’s still good music out there but radio doesn’t play it for the most part. Most radio near me at least is aimed at girls and young women. In fact, about 90 percent of the songs on those stations is by girls and young women. More power to them as artists, but I seriously can’t tell one from the next.
Sorry Andy. I’m still liking Winter. Have liked it more each year since I moved to a condo where the driveway isn’t my problem. You should try it.
Which bedroom is mine, then?
Thanks I must have liked the words you wrote. I read the whole thing!!
“remember the days when radio jocks with taste played whatever they liked, but I wish those days would return.”
Those days are now. There are thousands of podcasts out there exactly as you have described.
Greta Van Fleet is being played on the radio OFTEN. Tune into Z93, Banana 101.5 or WRIF…
Ah, unfortunately I’m not in range of those.
Comerica Park and Ford Field sound better than Little Caesar’s Arena.
My three words are digress, anathema, and pedagogy. Unfortunately, I don’t like them, but that’s all that came to me. Must be winter.
Shazaam Heller, 872 ‘dances’ with that winter driveway? In the interest of your aching back and shoulders, it’s a pity none of Al Gore’s global warming predictions came to pass. Fear not petulant Prius pilot, Alexandri-DUH Occasional Carsex, climatologist/scientist/socialist/bartender/Democrat extraodinaire has declared a twelve year lifespan for planet Earth. Hopefully, as that twelve year clock ticks down, you can FINALLY trade your shovel for a kayak.
I am older, Andrew. I remember when we had Top Forty Radio. We heard all sorts of music, did not have to choose ahead of time. And! The whole USA heard the same stuff, pretty much. Top Forty Radio was an important unifying force in the USA. Long gone. Too bad.
My cousin moved from Michigan to San Diego, CA about 25 years ago. She tells me that she misses the four seasons of Michigan more than anything else. San Diego is essentially the same weather year round. She even misses excessive snow and shoveling. I love living in Michigan but the winter doldrums get to me on occasion. Each year I take two trips to warmer climate as a break from our frosty reality. This year was the Bahamas and Florida. It makes the overall struggle through Dec – Mar far more tolerable. If possible, give the warm vacation a try. Your mind will thank you.
Thankyou for your writing!! what i really hate is the ice!!it gets warm enough to melt the snow- the cold turns it to ice- then it is challenging to walk.spring will not come soon enough!!
He’s beginning to look a lot like Nixon… Do you remember that President Richard Nixon never went to prison, but several of his pals and employees had to serve time? Several of Trump’s pals and employees are on their way to prison right now. This is not normal. It is not a good thing.
All you Republicans, please stop defending Trump. At least one of his pals will go to prison soon for that exact act, defending Trump. And, Trump is NOT defending the guy. Trump is tweeting that he hates the guy. You will go to jail, but Trump probably will not. Yikes.
Can we just say that Trump, “fell in with bad companions?” Is Trump just unlucky that he appointed a group of criminals to his administration and his campaign? Poor Trump! These bad guys and porn stars tried to take advantage of him. ???
No. Trump is a bad guy. His pals are even worse. I feel sorry for his wife. And I feel sorry for his family, except for the family members who support his lies and nasty behavior.
Does Trump play softball? It is hard to find old doofuses who will play softball. I tried to google up a team for old guys, in Grand Rapids. But, all I found was teams for former pro baseball players, guys who hit homers almost every at-bat.
If Trump would come to G.R. and play softball with me, I would forgive everything. Do YOU want to play old-guy softball in West Michigan? Are you good? That would be okay. Are you great? Forget it. You would not even let me on your team.