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Come Heller high water … the ‘Ohmygod, summer’s ending’ edition

August 28, 2019 by Andrew Heller 13 Comments

Come Heller high water …

  • There are no fence-sitters on Line 5, including me. I’m squarely on the side that says oil and water don’t mix. It makes no sense to risk the Great Lakes based on the word of a company with a lousy record of keeping oil and gas, you know, actually inside its pipes. (Right, Kalamazoo? We should trust them, right?)
  • It doesn’t matter that Apple says Siri will no longer automatically record everything you say and do. People won’t believe it. Once burned, forever shy. By the way, here’s a scary line from the news account I read: “While the data is anonymized, those conversations included identifiable details like a person’s name, medical records, drug deals and people having sex.” And, oh, by the way, Facebook and Microsoft listen to you, too. Once people figure that out, expect the birth rate to drop. “Shhh, Zuckerberg might hear us.”
  • The pumpkin spice thing: Simply. Won’t. Die. Why? Tell me why?
  • I plan to ask her, “Siri, are you recording everything we say?” I wonder what response they’ve programmed for that.
  • The Detroit Tigers lost their 90th game this week. Meaning only 30 more losses to break the record. C’mon, guys, you can do it! If they do, they should rename the team the Detroit Avilas in honor of team’s primary architect. An honor justly earned.
  • You didn’t ask but I predict the Detroit Lions will (drum roll, please) … stink to high heaven once again!
  • Man, really went out on a limb there.
  • A new poll shows all five top Democrats beating Trump in Michigan. And polls like that are exactly why Trump will win not just Michigan but the White House. Voters who think their candidate is a shoo-in don’t bother to vote. Voters who think their candidate is an underdog do.
  • If corruption charges are eventually filed and proven against United Auto Workers President Gary Jones stick, you can kiss what remains of the union movement in the U.S. goodbye.
  • After reading about the fatal mauling of 9-year-old Emma Hernandez in Detroit, I don’t care what pit bull owners say, the breed should be banned. They’re the dog equivalent of assault rifles. (And spare me your sanctimony. I know “pit bull” isn’t a specific breed. But I’m pretty sure we all know one when we see one.)
  • Summer doesn’t end until September 23. So why does it always feel like the last week before school starts is really the end of it?
  • The lovely yet formidable Marcia and I are empty nesters with no reason to schedule vacation according to the school calendar, but we still do anyway. Habits die hard.
  • I know almost no occasional podcast listeners. People seem to be either all in or all out. Why isn’t there an all-podcast station on TV?
  • Why is it that movies come in groups? For instance, “Bohemian Rhapsody,” “Rocketman,” “Yesterday” and now “Blinded by the Light.” That can’t be coincidence, but many of them would have had to be in production at the same time, yes?
  • “Today I escaped from anxiety. Or no, I discarded it, because it was within me, in my own perceptions – not outside.” Marcus Aurelius.

Photo by Andy Hutchinson on Unsplash

Filed Under: Come Heller high water, Humor Tagged With: Andrew Heller, columnist, Come Heller high water

Comments

  1. Pat says

    August 28, 2019 at 6:15 pm

    Who gets credit for the photo at the top of this column?

    Reply
    • Andrew Heller says

      August 28, 2019 at 7:44 pm

      Photo by Andy Hutchinson on Unsplash

      Reply
  2. Adam says

    August 28, 2019 at 6:20 pm

    Apollo.

    Reply
  3. Bill says

    August 28, 2019 at 6:25 pm

    Don’t entirely blame Al Avila on the Tigers woes, The main culprit nowadays is Chris Illitch who has a completely opposite view of running a ball club and spending money, unlike his late father. This is the result.

    Reply
  4. Karen says

    August 28, 2019 at 7:12 pm

    Every time the Tigers and/or Lions get close to breaking a record, they fail at that too! A fan just can’t win! I in mean they could at least make the record books.
    E.B. White wrote in Charlotte’s Web, when the insects were singing. “Summer is over and gone, over and gone.”

    The cicadas, crickets, and Katy-dids are all singing now.

    Karen

    Reply
  5. Tom Neely says

    August 28, 2019 at 9:10 pm

    Agreed on the UAW scandal. The UAW were the best union. Rational free-traders. Great fair representatives. Compare the corrupt Teamsters and Mine Workers, back in the day. Now, the UAW stinks to high heaven. Traditional USA labor unions will wither. We probably need new kinds of unions, but that will take decades to establish.

    Reply
  6. Fred says

    August 28, 2019 at 9:12 pm

    In the 70s dobermans were the bad dogs.
    In the 80s it was German shepherds.
    In the 90s it was rottweilers.
    Ever since it has been pit bulls.
    In the late 80s my cousin was almost killed by a German shepherd. He was in the hospital for a week. He lost so much blood. Should we call for a ban of all powerful breeds and not just pit bulls?

    Dogs are as good as they are raised. I am aware of two pit bulls that are the sweetest dogs you will ever meet and I have seen some very aggressive dogs of other breeds, such as Labradors or golden retrievers. I remember one neighbor used to tie his border collie to a tree and every time I walked by his house with my wife that beast would snarl and growl at us like it was possessed.

    Unfortunately too many people get pit bulls just because they like the intimidating factor. The dog is often associated with thugs who raise them to be aggressive. But, you know if they didn’t have pit bulls they would do the same thing with another breed.

    According to Wikipedia “controlled studies have not identified this breed group as disproportionately dangerous. Because owners of stigmatized breeds are more likely to have involvement in criminal or violent acts, breed correlations may have the owner’s behavior as the underlying causal factor.”

    With all that said, I do prefer a smaller dog and feel those are more appropriate for families. Like guns designed to be fitted with high cap magazines, powerful dogs should be reserved for military and law enforcement use.

    Reply
  7. Adam says

    August 28, 2019 at 10:43 pm

    Yeah, what makes a dog actually dangerous is its actual physical capacity, ie. bite power, size, muscle mass, speed. Lots of dogs have characteristics that could objectively make them potentially a problem, poodles for example can be bitey. Chihuahuas are notoriously boisterous. But they lack the above physical capacities, so they don’t make the news when they act like people imagine pit bulls always act.

    In contrast, Pit bulls, have all the capacities.

    And so do Dobermans.

    And German Shepherds.

    And Great Danes.

    And Mastiffs.

    And Huskies.

    And St. Bernards.

    And Boxers.

    And Rottweilers.

    And Etc.

    However, as Fred says, Pit Bulls have been in fashion with the kind of people that like aggressive dogs for a very long time. Consequently, the breed (shut up, I know its not an actual breed…) has been determined by popular perception to be exceptionally dangerous. This is not due to its inherent nature, but rather due to how it has been raised and treated, factors that are completely independent of the individual dog’s nature and control. If you want to go deep, and slightly controversial, consider as an analogy how certain racial demographics in this country perceive other racial demographics. Consider how sure they are that their perception is based in the inherent nature of their subject, not the subject’s reflection of its environment and history.

    Now pause and feel bad for your bigotry.

    Dogs are one of our first, and most essential inventions. Without them to secure area, we might never have stopped being hunter gatherers. They are 100% human creations, and the consensus is that we have changed them as much as they have changed us. Being a complete evolutionary creation of us, they are in tune to us more than we are ourselves are. Dogs absolutely reflect their humans. They are unique in this in the animal kingdom. (my personal opinion) Unfortunately this means that if their humans treat and train them to be aggressive, and they have the physical capacity to do harm, you’re going to end up with news stories.

    And its going to be the human’s fault, not the dog’s.

    Reply
  8. bookieb says

    August 29, 2019 at 8:25 am

    If you’re so worried about Siri and Facebook listening to you why don’t you just turn them off, throw them out or quit talking. Why has society become such a slave to these stupid electronic intruders?

    Reply
  9. Ray says

    August 29, 2019 at 9:12 am

    Miss you from the Flint Journal. Thought you disappeared. Glad to see your still around. Look forward to reading your Pearl’s of wisdom.

    Reply
    • Andrew Heller says

      August 31, 2019 at 5:41 pm

      thanks, but i’m here! I’m closing in on a million views of the website, so I should be good to go for another year at least.

      Reply
  10. Matthew says

    August 31, 2019 at 11:25 pm

    Hello, all. I like this non-political Heller post a lot. However, I just had a somewhat political fun idea. Here it is, Heller High Water:

    You have heard of Red Flag Laws. These laws allow police to take away people’s firearms, if somebody complains that somebody else is dangerous or suicidal. Do they have a Red Flag law in the District of Columbia, or in New York?

    If so, or if they ever get such a law, I believe thousands of us regular citizens would report our President Mr. Trump, as a danger to himself and/or others. Can you imagine the cops showing up at the White House to confiscate Donald Trump’s guns?

    Reply
  11. jim iii says

    September 1, 2019 at 4:34 pm

    I bought my usual Sunday paper today and the store manager informed me and other customers that by the 1st of October the price of a Flint Journal for a weekday edition will be $2.00 and for the Sunday paper will be $3.00.
    I mainly buy the paper for the comics. I may rethink that type of purchase. Occasionally they have a article that has some useful information.
    Someone I know recently had the need to run an obituary for a family member. The funeral home informed him that the Flint Journal was charging $400.00 dollars a day to run a full obituary notice.
    No wonder people are going full out for online obituary notices.

    Reply

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Andrew Heller has been an enduringly popular newspaper columnist in Michigan for a long, long, long time. He wrote his first column for the Escanaba Daily Press way back in 1979. It was about his … Continue Reading

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