Come Heller high water … the ‘Jeff Bezos did what?’ edition

Come Heller high water …

• One of the strangest, dumbest and most off target cold openings ever on SNL last night. What the heck was that? Subject: A “Meet the Press” roundtable on Jeff Bezos’ wing-wang. Really guys? Out of the goldmine that is today’s politics, that’s what you chose?
• Bezos is 55. What the heck is he doing sexting? It’s weird, I think, that the world’s richest man could be this stupid. Maybe it’s true that it has a brain of its own.
• Here’s a stat that should keep parents up at night: A study last year says one in four teens has sexted. Parents, remind them how much power they’re putting in the hands of someone else. Decades from now, that photo could resurface. And probably will.
• I just learned a new word reading about the Bezos story: Sextortion, which is also apparently on the rise. No pun intended.
• SNL redeemed itself, by the way, with its excellent sketch on the Women of Congress. I laughed out loud, which is rare. I think all of life is funny but I seldom laugh out loud.
• I’m curious what others thought of Consumers Energy’s Super Bowl apology commercial. Nice of them? Self-serving? Sincere and heartfelt? Insult to injury, in that you and I will end up paying for whatever they spent on the spot? Where do you come down on this? If I’m being honest, my immediate reaction was “You should have used the money you spent on the commercial on whatever equipment or process would have prevented the fire in the first place.” I’ve softened the last few days, however. Stuff happens, after all. And CEO Patti Poppe seemed genuinely sincere. Nice job on her part. (Can I have a $5 rebate, though?)
• This exceptionally extreme winter has me watching way too much TV. So much that I’ve started to notice trends. Last week, for instance, I mentioned how many Queen songs are used in commercials since the movie came out. Lately, it’s Dylan songs. They’re in four or five commercials lately. Have you noticed? Now that I’ve told you, maybe you will.
• Another thing I notice is the dramatic pause TV news people use at the end of each report. Listen for it. They pause for a beat at the end of each report, as in, “And that’s how the elephant … escaped the circus.” Do broadcast schools teach this?
• A new study says men’s brains age faster than women’s. This will not surprise any woman I know. It doesn’t surprise me either. I’ve always thought women were superior creatures who only tolerate our existence because they’re also nicer than us.
• Before Liam Neeson’s stunning comment about seeking out an African-American to kill after a family member was raped, I had a line written for the column about his new movie “Cold Pursuit” that went, “Neeson is a wonderful actor, but he sure picks lousy movies to star in.” Now I just think he’s another closet racist jerk.
• Shouldn’t grocery stores north of say the 35th parallel have snow tires on their shopping carts?
• Do you want to know why our roads stink? Here’s why: A four-person group of top, former Michigan politicians, two Dems and two Republicans, released a plan this week to actually and finally fix the roads, and people online from both parties (but mostly one party) trashed it. Their plan would raise the gas tax by 47 cents over nine years to raise $2.5 billion, which is what’s needed to do the job. Most motorists would never notice the 4-5 cent per gallon yearly increase, but still they griped. Which tells me we really don’t want better roads. So shouldn’t we also stop complaining?
• Gotta say that I really, really dislike (I’m trying to wean myself off the word hate) MSU’s uniforms with the neon green letters. I’ll bet you do, too.
• Unicode, the nonprofit that oversees emojis, issued 59 new ones this week, including one for menstruation and another for what Trump was accused of having. Why anyone would want to use either is beyond me, but hey, that’s me.
• I wonder if we’ll someday have enough emojis that someone will write an entire novel with them?
• “Winter is nature’s way of saying, ‘Up yours.’” – Robert Byrne.