Come Heller high water …
- My Top 10 Super Bowl predictions: 1) The pregame shows will be irritating and full of weepy stories about players overcoming long odds or difficult backgrounds to become, gosh darn it, wonderful people who spend most of their free time “giving back.” 2) Incessant panels of former football players and coaches woo-hooing, whee-heeing and cutting up like they just got out of happy hour. 3) Former players on an absurdly tiny fake studio football field showing us blocking techniques and defensive positioning, like we care. 4) Commercials that try way too hard to make us laugh, cry or appreciate what a wonderful
country we live in. 5) A truly awful and oversung rendition of the national anthem or God Bless America, after which the announcers will say despite our differences, we’re all Americans. 6) A halftime show featuring fake fans rushing the stage and waving their arms at a band that is lip-syncing a medley of its tunes. 7) 47,632 awe-filled references to the genius of Bill Belichick. 8) 63,778 awe-filled references to the genius of Tom Brady. 9) Nine bouncy camera shots into the luxury box of Patriots owner Robert Kraft, who will either be elated or inconsolable. 10) At least three horrific and curiously timed calls by the referees in favor of the Patriots, followed by an entire nation saying, “Wait, that’s not reviewable?” 11) And at least once in each half, the lovely yet formidable Marcia will ask, “How long IS this game?” - Oh, one more: At some point during the game, I will drip chili on my shirt. It seems to be a tradition. My favorite shirt has never recovered from the Drip of 2011.
- Dear President Trump: OK, maybe a decade ago it was marginally clever during a bad winter storm to say, “Gee, I guess they called off that global warming thing!” Today, it’s not funny and you just sound stupid. (I feel like I could write that every day.) Regardless of your or my political beliefs, global warming/climate change is real, and it doesn’t mean the death of winter. It means more and more extreme weather, which is exactly what we got this week. Sincerely, Planet Earth.
- Last week’s storm had a name. Did you know that? It was Winter Storm Jayden. Did I miss a memo or something? I thought we just named hurricanes. Now every storm of any magnitude seems to have a name. I guess I’m old school. The biggest winter storm of my lifetime was the blizzard of ’78. And that’s what we called it. Not creative but it got the job done. I’m glad we didn’t use popular first names on winter storms back then or I’d have spent my whole life boring people with stories about Winter Storm Jennifer (the most popular female name in 1978). And it’s only a matter of time before we get a Hurricane Dakota. Somehow a Hurricane named Dakota doesn’t sound dangerous, you know? If we’re going to name all storms, I’d prefer something descriptive like Fairly Intense Sprinkle Caitlin or Snowmageddon2019: We’re All Going to Die.
- One last weather note. My winter gloves had holes so I went to a department store to buy new ones. After wandering around for 10 minutes, I finally found a few pairs at the back of the store on part of a rack hidden near the men’s socks. What was easy to find (not that I was looking): summer shorts, swimsuits and sandals. This is a new record for season-jumping by stores, I think. Please stop it.
- The lovely yet formidable Marcia was watching “The Bachelor” the other night. I said “How is it?” and she said, “Very Bachelory.” Which somehow made perfect sense to me. I think we’ve been living together way too long.
- I read about a new study last week that says Michigan drivers, according to various statistics, are the best in the nation. I haven’t stopped laughing since. So British Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli (not Mark Twain) was right when he said: “There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.”
- At this point, wouldn’t it be quicker if the Democrats who aren’t running for president held press conferences?
- Even Howard Something Or Other, the former CEO of Starbucks, is running. Why? His contribution to society is stupidly expensive coffee and calling small drinks tall, which is just so irritating I can’t stand it. I’m one of those annoying people who refuses to order by tall, grande and venti. Usually the counter person (I also refuse to use the term barrista – yes, I’m one of those customers) don’t mind, but I have had this conversation: “I’ll have a small latte.” “Do you mean a tall?” “No, I mean a small.” “But a tall is like a small.” “I know that. So give me a small.” “OK, one tall latte.” “I hate you.”
- It’s cold out so I’m watching more TV. When did game shows make a comeback? And have you noticed that studio audiences for game shows, talk shows and even Saturday Night Live are teeny, tiny these days?
- “In the depth of winter I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer.” – Albert Camus.
Andy,
You continue to out do yourself, keep up the good work.
We have just picked ourselves up off the floor and drying the tears of laughter from our faces.
Agreed. Ditto. Concur. Chime. Awesome. Hilarious. Amen.
Only the Weather Channel names snowstorms. They had to, once they used up “Snowpocalypse” and “Snowmegeddon”.
Hilarious and right on the mark.
All I want to know is where does Trump get his intel on national security if it’s not from our own intelligence agencies who are responsible for keeping him informed. He doesn’t believe anything they tell him and claims he knows better. Why won’t a reporter ask him that question? He must be getting his intel from somewhere, right? Either from his own ass or from Sean Hannity, which I guess is basically the same thing.
Climate change has always occurred on the planet Earth. A billion years before humans there was climate change. The concept of “man made climate change” is complete and utter bullshit. It is a lie used to try and get more tax money from people and to take away more of our freedom. Literally every prediction from Al Gore’s fiction movie “An Inconvenient Truth” has been proven false. Climate change jihadists have been caught time after time falsifying data because actual scientific facts prove their claims to be lies.
All of you who adhere to the radical religion of ” Man Made Climate Change” are unjustified to try and force your religious beliefs upon society. Our money belongs to us. Our freedom will not be ended by your desperate, maniacal hatred.
Who’s asking for your money? If the world switches to more solar, wind and other renewables, we’ll still need energy, which means there will be plenty of profits. Do you really care that much if your money goes to OPEC or to companies that make renewables? What a weird post, Abner. You act like climate change is out to get you. Relax.
The Blizzard of 1978 in Michigan was the single most dramatic, snowfall I have ever experienced. If I recall correctly we went through it with a laugh and good spirits.
Turn snowfall or cold temps into good times and good memories. Life is better that way.
Abner, This is a pretty good post. Usually, I dislike what you write. But, maybe do short wise post from now on.
I’m still laughing as well about Michigan drivers being the best!
Another awesome column Andy! Loved it!! I think the Super Bowl (and football in general) is a stupid game, but your Top 10 predictions were a HOOT!! All of you whippersnappers who think the Blizzard of 1978 was big, you must have missed the Grand Daddy of 1967! Now that was a LOT of snowfall in 2 days. It was close to a week before my folks could get back to work at GM. The season-jumping in the stores is outrageous!! I am in the mood for a new winter coat, but I guess I’ll have to wait until August when it is hotter than hell outside to go looking for one… 🙁 AACK!
A few months ago I was driving down US 127 like a Michigander. (Yep, “five over.”) Was listening to some interview show on Public Radio. They had been chatting with a former “long haul” truck driver about his experiences across the nation. He mentioned several places and conditions I too had encountered over the years. In each case I had nodded my head in agreement. Then the interviewer asked him, “Where did you find the best, most courteous drivers in the country?” There was no hesitation when he replied, “Michigan.” My first thought was, “WHAT?” Then as I reflected, he may be correct. Over the last 59 years I have driven in 48 of the 50. (Not Washington or Alaska) And while we have some real jerks here, overall we seem to get along fine.
What about the snowstorm of 1947, which was followed by the flood and Flint was flooded.
The stores downtown were flooded and you could not get from there to the north side without
going all the way around the city.
What about the snowstorm of 1947, which was followed by the flood and Flint was flooded.
The stores downtown were flooded and you could not get from there to the north side without
going all the way around the city.
Hello from half-way through the Super Bowl! The famous fancy Super Bowl commercials have NOT appeared. The only fun commercial I have seen is a commercial for the Super Bowl itself. Did you see it? Former football stars playing football at a wedding reception. That was fun.
Otherwise, nuthin’ so far.
Now 3/4 through the Super Bowl. Meh. The only okay commercial has been the short commercial for Devour-brand macaroni and cheese .
The era of good, fun Super Bowl commercials seems to be over. In the fourth quarter, there was a nice commercial involving a Dalmatian dog and the Budweiser draft horses, plus the wind. But, it was not any special ground-breaking commercial.
Fergit it. Super Bowl commercials are not worth their $millions anymore.