Come Heller high water …
- Another milestone has been passed in the Christmas shopping season’s relentless march toward 24/7/365. This year, I saw Christmas commercials and store displays before Halloween. That means Labor Day is next. And then the Fourth of Noel.
- You may have noticed the photo that goes with today’s column. Yes, that’s Santa coming out of an outhouse. But it’s also a ginormous blow-up lawn display that you can put in your very own front yard. Why would you do that? Because nothing says “’tis the season” like the North Pole’s No. 1 man going No. 2.
- Sigh.
- I wish Democrats would follow the example of the great Barry Sanders and hand the ball to the ref when they score a touchdown instead of acting like total …
- Have fun inserting the last word there. For the record, I was thinking “dipsticks.” How about you?
- I’m referring, of course, to the modest victories Dems won in Kentucky and Virginia. I realize this is one of the first electoral repudiations of Trumpism this
year and it could portend bigger things. But it could also not. Let’s keep that in mind, shall we? - I miss Barry Sanders. And Al Kaline. And Vinnie Johnson. And Steve Yzerman. Seems like there are no giants in Detroit sports these days.
- Hey, Vinnie Johnson was TOO a giant. You try line-driving an arcless fall-away jump shot into a basket from 30 feet with a taller guy on you and three seconds on the game clock. Dude was a legend in my mind. (I liked him way better than Isiah Thomas. Vinnie had style.)
- But back to politics. What Trump did isn’t a quid pro quo. A quid pro quo can be benign in that it can be voluntary and mutually beneficial, as in “Hey, you did something for me now I’ll do something for you.” What Trump did to Ukraine is straight up extortion. Extortion is never benign or voluntary. Ukraine had no real choice and would have complied.
- Mitch McConnell says Twitter’s ban on political ads will “degrade democracy” and “undermine free speech.” Uh-oh, I think someone had a little Russian bot campaign planned for his campaign. Bummer.
- How can we be talking about 5G internet speeds when Gs 1 through 4 don’t work all that well. All internet speeds seem the same to me: sometimes good, sometimes awful and frequently meh.
- This is fun: Mexican drug cartels are apparently using $100 reciprocating saws to cut through Trump’s impregnable border wall. Shows how dumb they are. A $50 ladder would work just as well. Or a $10 shovel.
- The Trump administration is mulling privatizing the national parks. Great. Can’t wait to visit the Exxon Mobil Grand Canyon or Old Faithful, brought to you by Old Spice. How long before we see red MAGA caps on Mt. Rushmore? You laugh. I wouldn’t put it past him.
- Sweet Lou Whitaker is a Top 10 all-time second baseman. Look at the stats and what his teams accomplished. If he doesn’t make the Hall of Fame then it truly is just a Hall of Fame and not a hall that recognizes greatness.
- Michigan is the 11th fattest state in America, according to a new study. This will come as no surprise to anyone who has ever been to a Golden Corral buffet or Walmart.
- I never trust those weight studies because they’re usually based on the ridiculous Body Mass Index standard. I know the BMI is ridiculous because it says I’m either obese or overweight when I’m neither.
- No, I won’t tell you how much I weight. How rude!
- We are bigger these days, though. Look at movies from the ‘50s or ‘60s. Everyone is skinny. Even the people who were considered fat then are skinnier than most of us are today.
- Usually I’m against foods and drinks doing spin-off flavors. Oreos shouldn’t come with pumpkin filling. Coffee should taste like coffee, not (shudder) hazelnut. And Vanilla Coke is a crime against all that is good and holy. Taco toppings have no business on a pizza. BUT … I am intrigued by the new Cinnamon Coke and plan to try it. Once. After which I’ll add it to my list of food abominations.
- “If it is not right, do not do it, if it is not true, do not say it.” – Marcus Aurelius.
Photo Credit: the Lovely Yet Formidable Marcia.
Another enjoyable column Andy, Thanks for them all.
I was a big Vinnie Johnson fan, he was tough as nails and always came through in the clutch.
I am disgusted with trump, McConnell, Graham and the rest of them, they should all be voted out of office.
I do not frequent Golden Corral as I got food poisoning there many moons ago and never have I ventured back.
I do remember pushing and shoving at the troughs there with people of size, I always moved aside and let them dive in.
Walmart is a store I go to at least once a week, they have good prices on some items that I need.
I call Walmart Wallyworld, the land of the disheveled and the morbidly obese.
I can not beleive how people walk out of thier house and show up in public in such states of disarray.
I can not wait for November 2020, it can not come soon enough.
Thanks, JB!
Do you guys know exactly what “quid pro quo” means? It is Latin. It means, “what for what,” or, “something for something.” QUID and QUO actually are the same Latin word, just different forms. Such as, SHE and HER, in English. Same word, different forms.
Lindsey Graham’s latest defense of Trump is that his policy toward Ukraine is so incoherent that he is incapable of orchestrating a quid pro quo in his relations with the country (the dumb cookies in the White House must be the Oreos with the ORANGE filling).
Graham also said he refused to read transcripts from the testimony of current and former diplomats that were released by House investigators. I wonder how John McCain would react his friend’s statements?
Loved this column. Yes, we are fat. I really feel sorry for the fat people. I watch them struggle to walk, bend over, breathe. They have made their lives far more difficult than it needs to be with their gluttony. I’m just curious. Have mirrors become a no-no in home decor? I’m sure if some people I see in Walmart or VG’s had a mirror on their exit door they wouldn’t leave the house looking like they do. Just sayin…………..
Amazes me how people go out in there pajamas. No pride anymore. You definitely wouldn’t want to see me out in my PJs.
I prefer going out in my birthday suit.
Sorry their not there! Can’t believe I didn’t get scolded for that one.
Me too!
I will bet a lot that the Anonymous writer is Kellyanne Conway. Remember, you heard it from me first.
I sorta wish people would learn not to judge fat people. Some people are just plain overweight. It is NOT always because they eat too much. Many were born that way. I myself have been very lucky with my weight, but that is just a God-given mercy. I eat whatever I want, and only exercise when I think it will be fun.
Fat may not always be pretty, but it is not a moral failing. Sometimes, it is an occasion for pity, but not for blame.
Here is an analogy: Please imagine a restaurant named USA. You and I are the owners. We hire a new Maitre d’. He is a flamboyant person from New York. As soon as he comes to work, he starts insulting, yelling at, and arguing with the customers, the other employees, and with us. He says outrageous crude crass false things in a loud nasty voice, every day…
So, we fire him, of course. Impeach and convict him.
Pretty good analogy. I still can’t understand why people can defend him. If I have learned one thing from Trump supporters, it’s you have no morals or compassion for anything. My opinion of some friends and even relatives have changed because of it.
I’ve had the same experience – Trump is such an extremely awful human being that I’m starting to harshly judge anyone who supports him, especially if they give me vapid stuff like “He sticks up for this country.” I want to scream: Every president does that. Because he talks like a 4th grade bully doesn’t mean he’s standing up for America any more than other presidents. Grow up!”
My theory is that they had to disregard so many clear red flags, and so many people warning them that they would feel stupid now if they admitted those people were right, and so its becomes an invested part of their identity for him to be a great president.
So when he spends more than Obama, lies more than Bill Clinton, makes more stupid gaffes than Biden, shamelessly uses the office to directly enrich himself more than Hillary, golfs more than Obama, relies on a teleprompter more than Obama (Revolutionary War airports?!??! (#@ing seriously??!?!), issues more Executive Orders than Obama, increases the trade deficit, imposes tariffs (AKA: taxes) on US industry, makes foreign policy that directly contradicts Republican ideology, but coincidentally aligns with Russian interests, gets straight up cuckolded by Rocket Man Kim, gets literally laughed at on international TV at the UN, gets called a moron by his own Secretary of State… gets well, you get the idea.
When all of that stuff happens, they flee into FoxNews that doesn’t cover any of it, or do like my conservative co-workers who are too intellectually honest to lie to themselves, and just stop watching the news for four years.
To admit that Trump is bad would be an admission that they did something bad. The shame of that would be too intense for them to bear. So, they distort their own reality as a coping mechanism and refuse to see and acknowledge what is right in front of their faces.
As unliked as Hillary is, she could had won easily if it wasn’t for the Bernie or Busters and those who just took for granted that Trump would never win, so they stayed home. Let’s not repeat that mistake, no matter who the nominee ends up being. It’s not enough to just defeat Trump in 2020. He needs to be crushed by a landslide to give the clear message that he was a fluke deserving of an asterisk next to his name in history books.
President Asterisk! Right on! (No disrespect to Roger Maris.)
We have been writing about Americans who fell in love with Trump, who are too into him now, so into him that they deny reality. What the heck can we do?
Can you take another analogy? Divorce! Americans divorce often. They understand the concept of falling out of love and splitting up. They excuse themselves and justify themselves when they break up their marriages and their families.
How can we encourage people to divorce their formerly beloved Trump, and move on? Somewhere around half of voting-age Americans already have been through divorce in their personal lives. How can we encourage Trump lovers to do it in their political lives?
A headline in Today’s Washington Post, “Trump calls for fraud investigations into whistleblower, his lawyer and Schiff”
He is just throwing shit at the wall to see what sticks. This is pathetic and ridiculous on so many levels. Can we get rid of him already and get back to normal? As much as I dislike Pence, I would feel a lot better with him at the helm compared to the current clown.
I recently got into a little argument with a Trump supporting family member, we stayed civil mind you, but she was complaining about how the Media’s reporting on Trump is making our country out to be a joke. I was astonished. I said, “Look Trump is making the country out to be a joke all by himself. Nobody is helping him and nobody is making him say and do the stupid and absurd things he does every single day. He does that all by himself. THAT is why our country is a joke and if you want to blame someone, look in the mirror.”
Your family member reminds me of Rep. Earl Landgrebe, a loyal supporter of President Nixon. In 1974 he made this statement to reporters, “don’t confuse me with the facts, I’ve got a closed mind”. This is the kind absurdity which infects our country in 2019. History has not been kind to Rep. Landgrebe and likewise will not be kind to Trump’s disciples.
Mr. Trump asked me for a favor, too. No big deal. You guys probably do not know that I am the President of a small country, Crayzmania. President Trump only asked for some info on Mayor Pete, and I was happy to provide as much as my Security Minister could gather. In return, we got some nifty napalm to use against our pesky dissidents, and I got a swell visit to Washington, D.C. (It turns out Melania really is as cute as she looks on TV.) Don’t your remember our joint news conference from the Oval Office?
I do not understand why some of you want to impeach your wise, friendly President. I certainly would not tolerate any such behavior from anybody in Crayzmania. What the heck? Donald is my kind of guy. This is how the world works. Don’t get me started, though. I could tell several stories about when Crayzmania benefited from favors to VP Dick Cheney and President Idi Amin.