Andrew Heller

Best. Columnist. Ever.

  • About
  • More Posts …
    • More Posts …
    • Come Heller high water
    • The Heller Poll
    • Steve Jessmore photos
    • Auchtoons
  • Books
 

Come Heller high water … the Andy does summer edition

August 14, 2019 by Andrew Heller 20 Comments

Andy does summer in Michigan …

  • I’m just going to say it: I like Renaissance festivals. I’ve always been a fan of hokey and there’s nothing hokier than a guy dressed in tights telling you in a bad English/pirate accent where the turkey leg stand is. Sheer, dumb bliss.
  • I wonder if someday there will be festivals depicting 21st Century suburban life?
  • If you want to hate your fellow man, I suggest kayaking the same river with him. Between the plastic Jell-O shot containers floating past and the flotillas of 12 massive inner tubes loosely strung together blocking the river, it was a special back-to-nature day.
  • Drunken inner tube lady whose flotilla stretched bank-to-bank to her even drunker friend: “Don’t worry about them. Kayakers are supposed to adjust to us not us to them.”
  • The DNR confirmed a cougar sighting in Gogebic County in the Western U.P., which gives me the willies. The idea of a cougar stalking me while I hike has always freaked me out. I’d rather run into a bear, honestly. Bears are only likely to attack if you startle them or get between them and their cub. A cougar is a cat. I’ve owned cats for decades, and they’ll mess with you just for fun.
  • This is always the part of August I dislike. It’s lovely but the cicadas are out and that means the leaves aren’t far from changing and when the leaves change that means winter in nigh and we never seem to have an average or mild one of those anymore. Don’t leave me, summer! You just got here!
  • Remember when everyone in Michigan was freaking out about low water levels just 10 years ago?
  • My favorite smells of summer: 1) Sweet grass 2) Warm pine needles 3) Elephant ears. I don’t even like elephant ears but I like the smell of them. My favorite Michigan fruit: Traverse City cherries. My favorite Michigan vegetable: Corn on the cob. My favorite sound: Pine forest in a stiff breeze.
  • The other day, I described someone who was paddle-boarding as engaging in “water-boarding.” It took me a minute to figure out why the lovely yet formidable Marcia thought that was funny.
  • By not even trying to try, the Detroit Tigers have sucked some of the fun out of summer. Where is it written that the only way to rebuild is to suck for 10 years? Teams like Minnesota, Tampa and Oakland seem to compete most years. So why are the Tigers on this never-ending boom/bust cycle of two good seasons followed by 10 horrific ones? Seems like a lousy philosophy to me.
  • It’s my opinion that roadside wildflowers are prettier than their domesticated cousins.
  • I know everyone says don’t buy a boat but my resistance is weakening, even though my friend says, “If you’re gonna buy a boat, you might as well get a ‘For Sale’ sign to go with it because that’s what you’ll be doing in two years.”
  • I don’t like to eat fish so I don’t fish. But I think I might get a rod anyway. Casting seems like good, mindless fun. I think I could do it all day long.
  • My other summer guilty pleasure is watching a sprinkler. Hey, you’re not normal either.

Filed Under: All Columns, Come Heller high water Tagged With: Andrew Heller, Come Heller high water

Comments

  1. Tina says

    August 14, 2019 at 9:00 am

    I agree, summer just got here! It can stay for a while!

    As for the Tigers, being a die-hard loyal fan, I still have faith. I’m not liking Al Avila at the moment, but these new kids that have been called up (Jake Rogers & Travis D-something) are doing pretty well! I am getting impatient with them, though…how long does a rebuild last? Last night’s game should have been won. What happened to Matt Boyd? The bullpen?

    Reply
  2. Fred says

    August 14, 2019 at 9:21 am

    Did you hear about the lady in Canada who played Metallica on her phone to scare away an attacking cougar?

    Reply
  3. Andrew Heller says

    August 14, 2019 at 9:22 am

    The problem is neither can hit.

    Reply
  4. Andrew Heller says

    August 14, 2019 at 9:23 am

    I did. She’s my hero. If that were me, it would take me 5 tries. Hold on there, kitty.

    Reply
  5. linda s says

    August 14, 2019 at 9:28 am

    Andy’s back! I love this style of your columns!
    I agree that the roadside flowers are often more beautiful than those we pay for including fertilizer and weed killer. The roadside ones last a long time and are flourishing. They arrange themselves in almost perfect settings! Their “Gardener” has that magic touch! I have been thinking about stopping along the road and getting some pictures. I just have to be careful of traffic, ditches and people wondering what I am doing.

    I remember sitting at the river’s edge in Vet’s Park horrified at the lines that showed how much the water level was down. Now, I love the abundance of water as it seems to dance, run and wave the whole course; but the vision of low water never escapes me!
    This was great: No writing about politics, government, sexual assaults, murder, greed… This is how it should be all the time!

    Reply
    • Andrew Heller says

      August 14, 2019 at 2:44 pm

      I know, I know. I have to switch gears more often. I used to write 4 columns a week so there was room for everything. Trump is so incredibly damaging for the country, I feel like I have to use my weekly one or two slots on him. Trying …

      Reply
  6. Nancy G says

    August 14, 2019 at 3:26 pm

    I agree on the wildflowers roadside, and sprinkler watching. Something about water; waves, drips, falls or sprinkling, I will watch.

    Reply
  7. Jims says

    August 14, 2019 at 3:38 pm

    Ya still got to throw one in there about politics every so often. It wouldn’t be the same without getting under the skin of Abner, Jimiii and Brad. I don’t stay up for late night comedy TV anymore but those three make up for it!

    Reply
  8. Adam says

    August 14, 2019 at 9:22 pm

    I don’t even like elephant ears

    Commie.

    Reply
    • Andrew Heller says

      August 16, 2019 at 7:40 pm

      I know. It’s the grease.

      Reply
  9. Janet says

    August 14, 2019 at 9:40 pm

    I agree on the summer smells and the wild flowers.

    Reply
  10. Oldugly says

    August 14, 2019 at 10:43 pm

    I liked the wild flowers so much that I planted some of them in my yard. NOT in flowerbeds. Just took a section of the yard and turned it into my “Weed Patch.” I have been pleasantly surprised as most folks have made very positive comments. As a side benefit, the milkweed has produced a couple of generations of Monarch Butterflies.

    Reply
    • Andrew Heller says

      August 16, 2019 at 7:40 pm

      I did the same thing with the last 15 yards of my yard. Let it go meadow and I love it.

      Reply
  11. Sally Dikos says

    August 15, 2019 at 6:27 pm

    Our friend caught a picture of what we believe is a cougar on her trail cam in
    Au Gres!
    We love being on the water in our boat even when we aren’t fishing, but we do love to catch & eat fish. Expecting to be catching perch soon! Such a tasty fish.
    Talk about water levels! In our canal, again in Au Gres, most of the docks were/are underwater this year. We’ve all had to adjust boarding our boats.

    Love your columns and appreciate them being on email!
    Smiles, Sal

    Reply
  12. Rick says

    August 16, 2019 at 3:14 pm

    Just wanted to let you know that my big sister, (she might be 5’2”) asked me at a family gathering last weekend if I have ever read your column. I told every time it shows up in my email. I found it cool that we both read it. Also we grew up in Flint!

    Reply
    • Andrew Heller says

      August 16, 2019 at 7:39 pm

      Hey, that’s great to know. Your sister must be a woman of discriminating tastes.

      Reply
  13. Matthew says

    August 16, 2019 at 3:29 pm

    Re high lake levels: The high water cycle in the Great Lakes is NOT part of sea-level rise. High and low water come here irregularly, based on rainfall. We are coming close to highest-ever levels, but we have not reached them yet. (Highest were back in 1985 or 86.) Lowest were back in the 1960s, and five years ago or so. The annual cycle has highest water in June and July. The multi-year cycle varies enormously, and is unpredictable.

    I had a business in the 1980s rebuilding beaches and building sea walls. My old family home is right on Lake Michigan. I was utterly out of business, when the lake started dropping in 1986. Nobody should panic. Most expenditures on sea walls are wasted: If the water rises, they are useless. The water just washes around them. If the water goes down, the walls disappear under the beach and bank sand.

    Reply
  14. Matthew says

    August 17, 2019 at 5:20 pm

    Here is a new topic to lead into the next political column:
    Apparently, there is some evidence that Russia sent maybe $10 Million to the National Rifle Association, to use toward Mr. Trump’s election in 2016. (The NRA actually did spend around $30 Million on that Trump election.)

    The US Federal Elections Commission apparently does not want to investigate this. But, obviously, it needs investigation. This is the first I have heard of specific evidence of a direct connection between Russia and Trump’s election. If true, it is a true “smoking gun.”

    Reply
  15. jim iii says

    August 18, 2019 at 4:53 pm

    Donald Trump’s election did not create the left’s hate it revealed it.

    Racist is what a liberal/democrat/socialist’communist calls someone when they cannot reply with a good sane/logical answer.

    Sen. Tom Scott (R-SC) defended President Trump on Fox News the Ingraham Angle on 12 August 2019 when he made it clear that the President is not a racist. Think about how low the African American employment has been since President Trump was elected. The lowest in recorded history of the country. The criminal reform that has benefited the African American community.
    Sen. Scott then went on to expose the left’s tactic of pulling out the race card because of their desire to cause “fear and division”.
    The democrat liberal/socialists want people to either forget or not know the following:

    1. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves.
    2. Republicans voted to free the slaves. Democrats opposed freeing the slaves.
    3. The 1st 22 blacks elected to the U.S. House were Republicans.
    4. The first black elected to the U.S. Senate in 1871 was a Republican.
    5. The 1st black democrat was not elected to the U.S. Senate until 1999.
    6. Wilmington, S.C.: In 1898 a race riot by Southern Democrats who later passed laws designed
    to limit the voting rights of African Americans.
    7. Martin Luther King Sr. was a Republican.
    8. Martin Luther King Jr. was an independent.
    9. The KKK acted a paramilitary wing of the democrat party, post civil war.
    Their enemy: Republicans and black politicians.
    10. Robert Byrd (1959-2010 congress critter)was not a republican, but he was a former
    member of the KKK and the democrats loved him.

    Reply
  16. Adam says

    August 19, 2019 at 8:47 pm

    1863:
    1. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves.
    2. Republicans voted to free the slaves. Democrats opposed freeing the slaves.

    2016:
    The Ku Klux Klan, through their newspaper The Crusader publicly endorses the Republican candidate for President, Donald Trump.

    Something seems to have gone awry.

    Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Buy My Books!

Show_Cars_Illustrated_300x250-2018

 

Archives

  • March 2021
  • February 2021
  • January 2021
  • December 2020
  • October 2020
  • July 2020
  • June 2020
  • May 2020
  • April 2020
  • March 2020
  • February 2020
  • January 2020
  • December 2019
  • November 2019
  • October 2019
  • September 2019
  • August 2019
  • July 2019
  • June 2019
  • May 2019
  • April 2019
  • March 2019
  • February 2019
  • January 2019
  • December 2018
  • November 2018
  • October 2018
  • September 2018
  • August 2018
  • July 2018
  • June 2018
  • May 2018
  • April 2018
  • March 2018
  • February 2018
  • January 2018
  • December 2017
  • November 2017
  • October 2017
  • September 2017
  • August 2017
  • July 2017
  • June 2017
  • May 2017
  • April 2017
  • March 2017
  • February 2017
  • January 2017
  • December 2016
  • November 2016
  • October 2016
  • September 2016
  • August 2016
  • July 2016
  • June 2016
  • May 2016
  • April 2016
  • March 2016
  • February 2016
  • January 2016

Categories

  • All Columns
  • Auchtoons
  • Brenda Brissette Mata columns
  • Come Heller high water
  • Flint Columns
  • Guest columnists
  • Guns
  • Humor
  • John Matonich
  • Michigan politics and government
  • National politics
  • Steve Jessmore photos
  • Steve Murch
  • The Heller Poll
  • What do you think?

About The Author

Andrew Heller has been an enduringly popular newspaper columnist in Michigan for a long, long, long time. He wrote his first column for the Escanaba Daily Press way back in 1979. It was about his … Continue Reading

SOCIAL

  • Facebook
  • LinkedIn
  • Twitter

BOOK: Come-Heller-High-Water-by-Andrew-Heller ISBN-13:9780964983212

Come Heller High Water I is the collection readers asked for, and includes columns that they wanted reprints of.

In true Heller style, topics cover everything from the craziness of having kids to tales from his U.P. days.

Buy My Books!

BOOK: Come-Heller-High-Water 2-by-Andrew-Heller ISBN-13:9780964983212

Come Heller High Water II is the smash hit follow-up to Come Heller High Water I. It includes everything from Andy's takes on modern life to conversations with his back home pal Moon Dimple, and much, much more.
 

Buy My Books!

BOOK: Saving the World One Column at a Time Paperback  ISBN-10: 0971495114 ISBN-13: 978-0971495111

Saving the World One Column at a Time is a bitingly funny look at the world through the eyes of this award-winning columnist. In it he takes on corporate crooks, Little League parents, tongue piercers, ketchup sinners and much, much more. A must-have for Heller fans.

Buy My Books!

Copyright © 2025 · Andrew Heller · Best. Columnist. Ever.

Mobile Responsive Website by Media Cafe Online, LLC · Log in