Come Heller high water…
- Are you ready, folks? Michigan’s about to get ridiculous, and by that I of course mean the presidential candidates will be here pretending to care about us prior to next week’s primary. I
figure a few predictions are in order: 1) Hillary will challenge Bernie to a Flint water chugging contest – last one to wretch wins; 2) Figuring “what the hell,” Bernie will pull a Rubio and start making fun of Hillary’s small hands; 3) Trump will say something stupid and infuriating (OK, I didn’t go far out on a limb there); 4) Cruz will make everyone exposed to him want to take a shower; 5) and now that he’s introduced small penis jokes to presidential politics – thanks, pal – Rubio will add breaking wind jokes to his repertoire, causing most of Michigan to give up their citizenship and move to Canada. - Oh yeah, it’s gonna be fun.
- Here’s what makes me mad, though: At least half the states haven’t had their primaries and yet somehow the races are already over. What the …? Michigan might be the last state to matter this year, and that’s only if there are upset wins for the trailing candidates. Who designed this system?
- No matter how often I say the words “President Trump” I just can’t see it, y’know? He’s the least presidential presidential candidate of my lifetime.
- The KKK thing is a good example why. He’s a smart guy, right? He’s got to have something upstairs to build a business (even if it was with daddy’s money) and get this far in the campaign. So how come he couldn’t do the simple, obvious thing and say right away that David Duke and his followers are idiots and he didn’t want their endorsement. How hard is that? Why did a disavowal have to be all but forcibly pulled from him? Very odd man. But if you like him, hey, whatever floats your boat. I recommend saying the words President Trump to yourself a few times first before you vote, though.
- NASCAR endorsed Trump this week. I can’t wait to see him in the jumpsuit with all the logos. Does he get to climb up on top of Air Force One and spray champagne at everybody if he wins?
- Did you happen to see Gov. Chris Christie’s face as he stood behind Trump during his victory speech on Super Tuesday? I couldn’t decide if he was thinking “I can’t believe I endorsed this guy” or “I could really use a canoli right now.”
- Yeah, it was probably both.
- Eighty two businesses applied to operate medical marijuana shops this week after Detroit’s new pot regulations went into effect. Can 82 applications to operate baked goods shops be far behind? I don’t think so, bub.
- Google’s self-driving car caused its first crash this week when it changed lanes and put itself in the path of an oncoming bus. I’m guessing it was texting at the time.
- Observers were shocked this week when Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas spoke from the bench for the first time in 10 years. He said, “I’m pretty tired. Think I’ll go home now.” (That’s a dumb Forrest Gump joke in case you were wondering. Sometimes I write these things just to amuse myself.)
- And finally Astronaut Scott Kelly returned to earth after a year aboard the International Space Station. He said what he missed most was contact with loved ones. I get that. That’s what I’d miss most, too. But before I got a hug, I’d be getting a Big Mac. Just saying.
- “Either you run the day or the day runs you.” – Jim Rohn.
figure a few predictions are in order: 1) Hillary will challenge Bernie to a Flint water chugging contest – last one to wretch wins; 2) Figuring “what the hell,” Bernie will pull a Rubio and start making fun of Hillary’s small hands; 3) Trump will say something stupid and infuriating (OK, I didn’t go far out on a limb there); 4) Cruz will make everyone exposed to him want to take a shower; 5) and now that he’s introduced small penis jokes to presidential politics – thanks, pal – Rubio will add breaking wind jokes to his repertoire, causing most of Michigan to give up their citizenship and move to Canada.
President Tr…Nope, I can’t say it. I just can’t say it. I refuse to say it. Please don’t make me say it. Ever.
I’m looking forward to the fun! I will vote in the primary … that gives me the right to complain!
Andrew Heller, you are a very wise man!!
You clearly haven’t been talking to my wife.
President Trump, Present Trump, Present Trump!! There I said it a few times and I like it! And I did vote for him in the primary and intend to do the same in the general. And, by the way, Andy, does saying Present Obama make you want to gag as it does me? Or President Hillary? On another note I really do enjoy your columns and miss them in the Jackson Citizen Patriot.
Thanks, Ernie. I think Obama has been a good president hobbled by an intractable Congress. I’m not a huge Hillary fan – I share a lot of the concerns about her but also think it’s time we moved on from Clintons and Bushes. Hope you let the Cit-Pat know (and please tell your Jackson area friends where I am – if you do maybe I’ll say something nice about Trump. (Not likely tho!)
Thank God I still get to read your column for good laughs and insights.Lost hubby in January and we loved laughing together about your columns.Thanks for sometimes being only bright part of day. Keep it up!
Aw, sorry for your loss, Pamela. Glad this helps in some small way. Stay strong. — andy
Thanks so much for this terrific column. It is so good to be able to enjoy your work
More than once a week. It gives me laughs and many ‘ I agrees’ so that I know there is someone out there who tells it like it is. And just so you know unlike your wife, you can do no wrong in my opinion.
My pleasure, Karen!
President Trump…President Trump…Presi…wait! If I say this 3 times does something awful happen, like saying Candyman 3 times in that horror movie. Oh, it’s pretty much the same, a horror. I am so glad you are writing this blog. Miss your humor in the GR Press. It’s so boring now.
Likewise boring BC Ttmes. They seem to have eliminated all the good columnists, not just Heller.. I kept hoping if no one said the T. Thing out loud it wouldn’t happen. Now you’ve gone and done it! Gerry
Hey, let ’em know!
I am not happy with any of the candidates of either party.
Bernard- an old socialist who does not have a good grasp of economics and real life.
Hiliary- someone who thinks that she should be the only one running for president. She has told so many lies over the years. Starting with the ones involving watergate.
Trump- A bully in waiting. If he gets in no telling how he will go. He might do some good or he might do some bad.
Cruz- Nothing to get excited about. Sometimes he appears to flop around like a fish out of water on his political stands.
Rubio- Nearly the same as Cruz. There are some differences.
The others, nothing to see there.
I will probably vote for the most believable liar of the bunch. But, I will not vote for Hiliary or Bernard.
Time for all confused voters – and there should be many of us – to check out the book This is Your Government on Drugs. It’s the history of how we got to the current gridlock and dysfunction. Check the website govondrugs.com for recent commentary on the 2016 election.