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Come Heller high water … the February 3rd edition

February 3, 2016 by Andrew Heller 14 Comments

Come Heller high water …

  • Sure, I watched the big caucus Monday evening. What drama! After looking like an early favorite, Jubilee – who I thought was positively adorable – was sent home by Ben, that idiot. Then Olivia – who, I’m sorry, is damn near insane – admitted that she can put her toes in her mouth, which ought to have earned her a ticket home but nooooo. Instead Ben – that idiot – gave her a rose. Can you believe it? No matter, though. To be honest, I think he’s ultimately going go with Amanda, or so I surmise based on all the necking they did in that hot air balloon. But, dammit, we don’t get to find out for another, I don’t know, bajillion episodes or so! Rrrrr!
  • Wait. You thought I meant the Iowa caucus? No way. “The Bachelor” is way more meaningful and real than the Iowa caucus. I mean, come on, Ted Cruz? Please. That’s clearly somebody’s idea of a joke. Ted Cruz has as much chance of being president as I do, and I’d finish sixth in a caucus held in my household, right after Tonka, our dog. I don’t say that just because of Cruz’ politics, by the way. I say it because he’s the creepiest looking politician I’ve ever laid eyes on. And if I notice, I’m guessing others do, too. (Does he wear eyeliner, by the way? I swear he wears eyeliner.)
  • Have you seen the side by sides of Cruz and Grandpa Munster. Wow. Eerie. (Well, click the link!)
  • The truth is the Iowa caucus is no big deal. It’s only noteworthy because it’s first. It’s not even a real contest. They flipped a coin in some areas – and this is true – to decide who won. That just screams meaningful, important contest, doesn’t it? Maybe we should dispense with the election altogether and go with that method to choose the next president. Or maybe rock, paper, scissors. Or, best of all, eenie meenie miney mo.
  • Look. A caucus just can’t be a meaningful thing because 90 percent of America doesn’t know what one is. Do you? I don’t, other than it’s some kind of voting thing where old people sit in a church and try to get other old people to shuffle over to their side of the aisle. (They really do that.)
  • By the way, about that Bachelor thing. I only watch because my wife, the lovely yet formidable Marcia, watches it. I don’t even like the show. I swear. Honest.
  • Olivia, Ben? Really? You are SUCH an idiot.
  • The headline said, “300 Union Plumbers Spent The Weekend Installing Water Filters For Flint Residents For Free.” My buddy Joel proposed an alternative headline: “Flint Suffers Worst Crack Epidemic Since The 1980s.” If you’re a plumber and want Joel’s number, just let me know.
  • Speaking of Flint, the FBI is now investigating the water crisis. This is getting more and more interesting by the minute, in a turn on the flashlight and watch the roaches scatter kind of way.
  • I only believe in the groundhog prediction when he gets it right, which he did this year, meaning spring is on its way early. Booyah! (OK, that said, but how could Punxsutawney Phil not see his shadow every year – he’s bathed in TV lights, right? So wouldn’t every spring be early?)
  • I smell a media obsession coming on with the zika virus. It’s got a cool, exotic sounding name. Media has obsessed over far less. You know it to be true. Be afraid. Be very afraid. You are about to be Wolf Blitzered.
  • “Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them – that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” Lao Tzu.

Come Heller high water … will appear every Wednesday here on andrewheller.com.

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Comments

  1. Dave Kagan says

    February 3, 2016 at 8:15 am

    Wonderful observations, Andy. Especially re Cruz’s creepiness and the alternate “Crack Epidemic” headline for Flint.

    Reply
    • andrewhellercolumn@gmail.com says

      February 3, 2016 at 8:31 am

      Thanks, Dave. Glad you’re here.

      Reply
    • andrewhellercolumn@gmail.com says

      February 3, 2016 at 10:32 am

      He’s central casting for creepy, oily politician – and I’d say that if he were a Dem.

      Reply
  2. Sue Szott says

    February 3, 2016 at 9:05 am

    Thanks for a laugh (or titter) when it is needed. I’m getting too serious about all this political stuff. So glad you are still with us.

    Reply
  3. Sue Harvey says

    February 3, 2016 at 10:00 am

    I’ve only seen the story about the plumbers volunteer work on alternative type outlets…occupy democrats, progressive America. I know they’re !gasp! Union regardless they are taking action right now, not forming a committee. Bless them for doing something they could see wasn’t being addressed.

    Reply
  4. Paul Flower says

    February 3, 2016 at 10:04 am

    Andrew,
    I’m a writer who knows (not in a fakey Bill Clinton kind of way) some of your pain. Dave showed me the way here to your site. Terrific stuff. I’m trying to find plausible excuses for why I would steal it, claim it as my own, and then deny that it was my own if people didn’t like it. Thanks for making this so difficult. Sheesh. (That was all supposed to be a compliment (as opposed to complement, but you knew that).

    Reply
    • andrewhellercolumn@gmail.com says

      February 3, 2016 at 10:12 am

      Hi, Paul. Thanks for the kind words. I deny I’m responsible for any and all content that people don’t like, which is a lot. Hope to see your comments and thoughts here often.

      Reply
  5. Jeffrey Hollander says

    February 3, 2016 at 3:06 pm

    Thank you for the only real laughs about this election (so far) and about the Flint Water Fiasco, oh, and the humor on the Zika virus. Funny, I thought that the Zika thing was about a Greek fraternity.

    Reply
    • andrewhellercolumn@gmail.com says

      February 4, 2016 at 6:20 am

      It does sound like a frat!

      Reply
  6. Karen says

    February 3, 2016 at 5:43 pm

    Thank you so much for the laughs. Top notch humor, Dave…ER I mean
    Andrew!!

    Reply
  7. Kathy Fiebig says

    February 3, 2016 at 7:20 pm

    Note to self: Let dinner settle before reading Andy’s column. Never knew that laughing this hard could lead to gastric distress. On a lighter note, I did NOT spit coffee all over the keyboard. That’s a morning thing.

    Reply
  8. Denny Hayward says

    February 4, 2016 at 11:54 am

    One has to live in or near Iowa to understand “caucus “. Well maybe not.

    Reply
  9. Tom Neely says

    February 5, 2016 at 11:00 am

    Are we allowed to comment on Ted’s looks? Mr. Trump got in trouble for commenting on Ms. Fiorina’s looks. That said, if George Wallace and Joe McCarthy had a love child, that child would have grown up to look like Mr. Cruz.

    Reply
    • andrewhellercolumn@gmail.com says

      February 5, 2016 at 12:52 pm

      Ha! yup, all’s fair

      Reply

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Andrew Heller has been an enduringly popular newspaper columnist in Michigan for a long, long, long time. He wrote his first column for the Escanaba Daily Press way back in 1979. It was about his … Continue Reading

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