Come Heller high water … the February 3rd edition

Come Heller high water …

• Sure, I watched the big caucus Monday evening. What drama! After looking like an early favorite, Jubilee – who I thought was positively adorable – was sent home by Ben, that idiot. Then Olivia – who, I’m sorry, is damn near insane – admitted that she can put her toes in her mouth, which ought to have earned her a ticket home but nooooo. Instead Ben – that idiot – gave her a rose. Can you believe it? No matter, though. To be honest, I think he’s ultimately going go with Amanda, or so I surmise based on all the necking they did in that hot air balloon. But, dammit, we don’t get to find out for another, I don’t know, bajillion episodes or so! Rrrrr!
• Wait. You thought I meant the Iowa caucus? No way. “The Bachelor” is way more meaningful and real than the Iowa caucus. I mean, come on, Ted Cruz? Please. That’s clearly somebody’s idea of a joke. Ted Cruz has as much chance of being president as I do, and I’d finish sixth in a caucus held in my household, right after Tonka, our dog. I don’t say that just because of Cruz’ politics, by the way. I say it because he’s the creepiest looking politician I’ve ever laid eyes on. And if I notice, I’m guessing others do, too. (Does he wear eyeliner, by the way? I swear he wears eyeliner.)
• Have you seen the side by sides of Cruz and Grandpa Munster. Wow. Eerie. (Well, click the link!)
• The truth is the Iowa caucus is no big deal. It’s only noteworthy because it’s first. It’s not even a real contest. They flipped a coin in some areas – and this is true – to decide who won. That just screams meaningful, important contest, doesn’t it? Maybe we should dispense with the election altogether and go with that method to choose the next president. Or maybe rock, paper, scissors. Or, best of all, eenie meenie miney mo.
• Look. A caucus just can’t be a meaningful thing because 90 percent of America doesn’t know what one is. Do you? I don’t, other than it’s some kind of voting thing where old people sit in a church and try to get other old people to shuffle over to their side of the aisle. (They really do that.)
• By the way, about that Bachelor thing. I only watch because my wife, the lovely yet formidable Marcia, watches it. I don’t even like the show. I swear. Honest.
• Olivia, Ben? Really? You are SUCH an idiot.
• The headline said, “300 Union Plumbers Spent The Weekend Installing Water Filters For Flint Residents For Free.” My buddy Joel proposed an alternative headline: “Flint Suffers Worst Crack Epidemic Since The 1980s.” If you’re a plumber and want Joel’s number, just let me know.
• Speaking of Flint, the FBI is now investigating the water crisis. This is getting more and more interesting by the minute, in a turn on the flashlight and watch the roaches scatter kind of way.
• I only believe in the groundhog prediction when he gets it right, which he did this year, meaning spring is on its way early. Booyah! (OK, that said, but how could Punxsutawney Phil not see his shadow every year – he’s bathed in TV lights, right? So wouldn’t every spring be early?)
• I smell a media obsession coming on with the zika virus. It’s got a cool, exotic sounding name. Media has obsessed over far less. You know it to be true. Be afraid. Be very afraid. You are about to be Wolf Blitzered.
• “Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them – that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” Lao Tzu.

Come Heller high water … will appear every Wednesday here on andrewheller.com.