Every journalist on the planet has been trying to land an interview with Donald Trump’s publicist John Miller.
Only one did.
“Thank you for talking with me, Mr. Miller,” I said.
“No problem. Thank you for your call. I’m a big fan.”
“No, not really. I’m just being nice. I’ve never heard of you, actually. You’re a total nobody. A real loser. No offense, of course.”
“None taken. So how do you respond to the charge that you’re Donald Trump himself just using a fake name?”
“That’s outrageous and false. In fact, I was just talking to Donald about that when you called. He’s upset about the allegations, so upset. You have no idea how upset.”
““So can we meet in person then or maybe do a Skype call?”
“Um, no, see, I’ve got a rash on my face. Horrible rash. Worst rash you’ve ever seen. You understand.”
“Of course, but could you at least put Donald on the phone for a moment since he’s obviously right there.”
“Certainly … (calling over his shoulder) hey, Mr. Trump, do you have a moment to speak with this loser from Michigan? You don’t? What’s that? You’re meeting with architects about the wall? And you’ve got Sarah Palin waiting on line three? OK, I’ll tell him that. (Turning back to the phone) Sorry, he can’t talk now, but he says he’s sure you have very small hands, extremely small. In fact, his new nickname for you is Little Andy. You like that, Little Andy?”
“Um, no, OK, but I have to say I’m still suspicious that you’re really Donald Trump and not John Miller, and I’m not the only one. John Miller doesn’t even sound like a real name.”
“Oh, it’s real, all right. Very real. Hugely real. But even if I weren’t, what’s the big deal? It’s not like everybody doesn’t create fictitious spokespersons for themselves, right?”
“No, not right. In fact, no one does that, sir, and no one ever has. Like in the history of mankind.”
“They don’t? Well, I guess that just goes to show what a trend-setter Donald Trump is. He’s quite a guy, you know. And here’s a secret – that hair? It’s all real, baby. All real.”
“Good to know. But going back to why it matters. Some people think it matters because Mr. Trump could very well be president, and it’s a little scary to think the president has a history of calling up people pretending to be somebody else. It’s a little weird, don’t you think? Would he do that, for instance, with Vladimir Putin or Angela Merkel?”
“You mean Bald Vlad and Angry Angie? Of course not. By the way, I’ll bet she was a looker back in the day, eh? Rrrowr!”
“I’m sure she was. Thank you for your time, Mr. Trump.”
“You’re welcome, Little Andy.”
“You realize I just called you Mr. Trump and you responded to that, right?”
“Mr. Trump has no idea what you’re talking about.”
Image credit: Valis Iscari0t