Thanksgiving was great, and I have much to be thankful for. Yadda, yadda, yadda.
But that was so yesterday.
Today, perhaps owing to the estimated 6,458,132 calories I consumed Thursday, I’m a little, shall we say, cranky. So today I shall flip the script and deliver unto you in true Ebenezer Scrooge meets The Grinch meets the old guy in “Up” fashion all sorts of things I’m not grateful for:
- Black Friday. It used to be the day after Thanksgiving. It was never my thing – something about staying up to midnight to fight crowds to get a TV I don’t need doesn’t strike me as all that much fun – but it never annoyed me. Now it annoys me because it seems to start around Halloween. Having a Black Friday sale a week before Black Friday means it isn’t a Black Friday sale at all. It’s just a sale, and usually not a very good one. We ruin everything in this country.
- Furniture stores. Have you noticed that furniture stores have sales all the time – every day, every weekend, every holiday? How is that possible? I submit that if things are always on sale they’re probably overpriced to begin with. Who’s with me? (I also suspect, with no proof whatsoever, that stores inflate the price before a sale so the sale price is, in reality, the actual price. Tell me I’m wrong.)
- Baseball is killing itself by allowing big market teams to dominate the trade and free agent markets. Little teams have to luck out just to make the playoffs. Big teams just buy their spots. That’s bad for the sport. When you play Risk, everyone gets the same number of armies. That’s how baseball should be. When you can buy a playoff appearance, what’s the point? (I bring baseball up now because we’re in hot stove season now when trades and free agent signings happen. This used to be an oasis in the cold and gloom of early winter. But since my beloved Tigers are one of those little teams, nothing much happens in the offseason these days. Sigh.)
- Was life really all that bad when people couldn’t reach you all the time? No, it wasn’t. It was better, in fact. And have you noticed that almost no one, particularly anyone under the age of 30, actually answers their cell phone? So why do we have them?
- My iPhone. I swear if it tells me one more time that I don’t have enough room in the cloud to back up my data, I’m going to pitch it in the river.
- And while I’m ranting about mobile phones, why is a smartphone one word while cell phone is two?
- Why do they cost so much? Honestly, why? They never used to. A mattress was a mattress. I was in a store the other day that had mattresses costing $4,000 and more. Really? What is this thing made out of, ground up gold, frankincense and myrrh?
- And speaking of gold, frankincense and myrrh, what kinds of gifts are those for a baby? Mary and Joseph had to be thinking, “Dudes, how about some disposable diapers or a child safety seat for the donkey ride home?”
- And what the heck is myrrh, anyway?
- Christmas songs. From the last two gripes, you probably guessed I was going this direction, but how come there hasn’t been a decent new song since … forever? I don’t mean a good rendition of an old song. I mean a new song.
- Your driving. Yes, you. You’re terrible at it. But I am here to help. Do less of these: tailgating, left lane lurking, backing into parking spots, picking your nose (windows are see-through, remember?). Do these things more often: Use your signal, let pedestrians caught in the rain go first (you’re dry, come on), and try “going” when the light turns green. You don’t earn bonus points for sitting there an extra 10 seconds.
- Dog-walkers. Just because you pretend to be fascinated by something in the distance while your dog does his business on my lawn for the 80th day in a row doesn’t mean he didn’t do what he just did. Pick it up!
- Technology. I realize this qualifies me for AARP status, but I say life was better when we, more or less, watched the same TV shows, listened to the same radio stations and read the same magazines and newspapers. We used to share a common language of sorts, a library of similar experiences. Now no one knows what anybody else is talking about, or cares, and for some reason that makes us less of a tribe. You know I’m right about that.
- Movie comedies. Most of them stink. Have they changed or have I changed? Gotta be them.
- Trendy foods. We need new ones. Can we just admit that kale and Brussels sprouts are inedible abominations and move onto the next stupid food trend, please? My guess is it will be lima beans because the world has too many of them, and that’s what determines what will be irresistibly popular next.
Grumpiness loves company, so I’d love to hear what you’re not thankful for. Leave a note below. And don’t be a smart guy/woman and say you’re not thankful for this annual gripe list. Because you know you really are.