Thanksgiving was great, and I have much to be thankful for. Yadda, yadda, yadda.
But that was so yesterday.
Today, perhaps owing to the estimated 6,458,132 calories I consumed Thursday, I’m a little, shall we say, cranky. So today I shall flip the script and deliver unto you 
in true Ebenezer Scrooge meets The Grinch meets the old guy in “Up” fashion all sorts of things I’m not grateful for:
- Black Friday. It used to be the day after Thanksgiving. It was never my thing – something about staying up to midnight to fight crowds to get a TV I don’t need doesn’t strike me as all that much fun – but it never annoyed me. Now it annoys me because it seems to start around Halloween. Having a Black Friday sale a week before Black Friday means it isn’t a Black Friday sale at all. It’s just a sale, and usually not a very good one. We ruin everything in this country.
- Furniture stores. Have you noticed that furniture stores have sales all the time – every day, every weekend, every holiday? How is that possible? I submit that if things are always on sale they’re probably overpriced to begin with. Who’s with me? (I also suspect, with no proof whatsoever, that stores inflate the price before a sale so the sale price is, in reality, the actual price. Tell me I’m wrong.)
- Baseball is killing itself by allowing big market teams to dominate the trade and free agent markets. Little teams have to luck out just to make the playoffs. Big teams just buy their spots. That’s bad for the sport. When you play Risk, everyone gets the same number of armies. That’s how baseball should be. When you can buy a playoff appearance, what’s the point? (I bring baseball up now because we’re in hot stove season now when trades and free agent signings happen. This used to be an oasis in the cold and gloom of early winter. But since my beloved Tigers are one of those little teams, nothing much happens in the offseason these days. Sigh.)
- Was life really all that bad when people couldn’t reach you all the time? No, it wasn’t. It was better, in fact. And have you noticed that almost no one, particularly anyone under the age of 30, actually answers their cell phone? So why do we have them?
- My iPhone. I swear if it tells me one more time that I don’t have enough room in the cloud to back up my data, I’m going to pitch it in the river.
- And while I’m ranting about mobile phones, why is a smartphone one word while cell phone is two?
- Why do they cost so much? Honestly, why? They never used to. A mattress was a mattress. I was in a store the other day that had mattresses costing $4,000 and more. Really? What is this thing made out of, ground up gold, frankincense and myrrh?
- And speaking of gold, frankincense and myrrh, what kinds of gifts are those for a baby? Mary and Joseph had to be thinking, “Dudes, how about some disposable diapers or a child safety seat for the donkey ride home?”
- And what the heck is myrrh, anyway?
- Christmas songs. From the last two gripes, you probably guessed I was going this direction, but how come there hasn’t been a decent new song since … forever? I don’t mean a good rendition of an old song. I mean a new song.
- Your driving. Yes, you. You’re terrible at it. But I am here to help. Do less of these: tailgating, left lane lurking, backing into parking spots, picking your nose (windows are see-through, remember?). Do these things more often: Use your signal, let pedestrians caught in the rain go first (you’re dry, come on), and try “going” when the light turns green. You don’t earn bonus points for sitting there an extra 10 seconds.
- Dog-walkers. Just because you pretend to be fascinated by something in the distance while your dog does his business on my lawn for the 80th day in a row doesn’t mean he didn’t do what he just did. Pick it up!
- Technology. I realize this qualifies me for AARP status, but I say life was better when we, more or less, watched the same TV shows, listened to the same radio stations and read the same magazines and newspapers. We used to share a common language of sorts, a library of similar experiences. Now no one knows what anybody else is talking about, or cares, and for some reason that makes us less of a tribe. You know I’m right about that.
- Movie comedies. Most of them stink. Have they changed or have I changed? Gotta be them.
- Trendy foods. We need new ones. Can we just admit that kale and Brussels sprouts are inedible abominations and move onto the next stupid food trend, please? My guess is it will be lima beans because the world has too many of them, and that’s what determines what will be irresistibly popular next.
Grumpiness loves company, so I’d love to hear what you’re not thankful for. Leave a note below. And don’t be a smart guy/woman and say you’re not thankful for this annual gripe list. Because you know you really are.
What do you have against backing into parking spots?
Ha, ha! Knew you’d catch that one. I’m not against the concept, I’m against the application of the concept. In other words, most people lack the backing up skills to center the vehicle and end up on or over the line next to the only spot available in the lot.
This is a traffic hazard if you’re in a parking lot with angle parking and one way lanes. You would be pulling out going the wrong way unless you have a vehicle with a small turning radius. Unlike many of the huge pickups that I see parked this way.
Another good read Andy, Thank you!
I have to tell you and your readers about a Black Friday purchase I just made on Thanksgiving day.
I have been looking for 21″ carry on luggage at the stores and on line for a few months.
When the Black Friday ads came out I jumped on 60% off on the carry on I had decided to get.
The Ricardo 21″ spinner wheels, regular $200.00 on sale for $79.00 with free shipping on JCP.com
Well this morning I get an email from JCP.com advertising Cyber Monday with an additional 30 % off the existing sale price.
That made the bargain $79.00 price now a steal at $59.00.
Since I just bought and paid for the luggage, two of them, this equated to an additional savings of $40.00 plus tax.
JCP has a policy of price match and lower price refunds within 14 days of purchase so I called the 800 number for JCP.com.
The lady on the phone said that since this Cyber Monday 30% special utilized a “coupon code” to enter on the purchase I would need to return the luggage and get a full refund and then reorder the luggage again online using the coupon code.
I said it would be an increased expense to ship them back, she said no worries just take them to your closest JCPenney store and get a full refund there.
I told her the luggage is scheduled to arrive via UPS tomorrow, she said no problem, just return it and get a full refund at the store.
Wow, what a waste of shipping and now the store has to ship it back to JCP,com as well.
My original charge was $171.18, it is now only $119.83
It pays to watch after the sale, but the mark up on this stuff must be terrific.
The new order of the luggage is due to arrive Thursday and I will be passing the store in my travels.
The short stop into the store to return the luggage and get my refund will be easy.
I feel bad for the company and everyone involved in shipping this luggage.
What a waste of time and effort when it all could have been handled with a credit refund over the phone.
We loved your gripe list in this household. Laughed out loud together at so much truth. Best column, I won’t say ever, but maybe it was.
I realize you have no control over the ads posted in your column. It’s ironic, though, that an ad for a $7,100 natural latex mattress on sale for $2,100 was prominently placed in your column.
Why is OSU stadium called the horseshoe when it more closely resembles a toilet bowl?
How about Doctor’s offices that are too busy? They may be overbooked, but many times, I feel rushed out the door. Many times they don’t call back with test results, and that is frustrating. It might not be important to them, but it’s important to me. One time I did receive a call back on an MRI. The person from the office who called me said, “Your MRI is fine.” I thought– fine for what??
Did it find the problem we were looking for, I guess that would be fine. We can plan a course of treatment. Or was there nothing out of order? That would be fine, too.
Now, in many offices there is also a Physician’s Assistant and a Nurse Practitioner. That doesn’t really help the patient load; now they can overbook 3 times as many people.
I worked in Doctors’ offices for half of my work-life, so I know these frustrations. My bosses usually came in an hour late, so that set us back for the whole day, but it was the patients who suffered.
Gawd, that drives me nuts. My daughter just got a call from her doctor – they’re booking out routine physicals to next July already. No kidding.
Like your columns ALL the times.
They are so right
I am not thankful for winter! It can go away and never come back! I don’t even care about having a white Christmas. I can look at pictures of snow if I want to see it!
Totally agree with inflated sale prices. And have you noticed that TV show’s season “may” last for just 10 weeks? The good ones anyways. And I would like to quit tailgating left lane idiots and just smash them over to the right lane! And I love BS…Brussels Sprouts. And mattresses can suck eggs! I replace mine every 8 months…easy. Just blow a new one up. Dislike baseball. Don’t get me started on IPhones. Just small computers that are easy to carry and answer emergency phone calls only. Unless it’s my daughter. Lastly, the best Christmas song ever is So This Is Xmas/Happy Xmas by John Lennon. I’ve said my truth so Happy Cyber Monday people!
You are so right about the lack of commonality in our society today. The scene from Planes Trains and Automobiles says it best when John Candy breaks out in song on the bus and EVERYONE knows the words because they had heard them again and again. Try that now-a-days, good luck with that…..
Sorry, but I’m the one that waits a couple of seconds before staring on a green light. I want to make sure the bone head on their cell phone actually stops for the red light. It has saved my ass at least one a week.
I’m the same way. I’m talking about the people who sit there so long you lose your chance to turn left on the green arrow. I’ve survived this long on the road by not trusting anyone.
Sigh…..I think I can pretty much agree with everyone’s comments. I can agree with all of yours. How about stores stop jumping the seasons and holidays.
I know a day after Christmas, Valentine cards and candy will show up on shelves everywhere. Easter baskets and candy appear February 15th, back to school ads begin a day after the 4th of July, and Halloween follows that. And here we are again at Christmas! No wonder it seems like my life is flashing before my eyes! And by the way, now we are having extended Black Friday sales. I love football season, so why do the talking heads have to start talking Super Bowl?!!
I’d like to add to the list of drivers that I am not thankful for. Those who can’t be bothered to turn on their lights.
I am unthankful for my personal lack of fortitude in cutting the television cable. (bill) I need to just go with a digital antenna plus internet. I could honestly save $100/month over my current expenditures. I need to make this happen.
Abner, please tell me how to save $100 on my cable bill. I will do it, and then coach you through it.
Right on with most of these. Have to disagree about the backing to parking spots. Do it all the time. Easier to see pulling out. But I also am an excellent “backer-upper.”. Thanks to my father who insisted we always back into the garage. Lots of scrapped cars back in the day. But it has paid off in the long run.
There’s the difference – you’re good at it. Most aren’t.
If your car is modern and has the backup camera/sensors feature, backing into a spot is super easy and quick.
I am not thankful for our leaders. In Putin and Trump, we have two brutal, nasty creeps in charge of our most powerful countries. In Duterte and Maduro, we have truly evil people running the Philippines and Venezuela. Plus, many other horrid people in countries on every continent except Antarctica.
Maybe we can install a Benevolent Dictator in Antarctica? Andrew, would you consider that job?