Come Heller high water … the September 28th edition

Come Heller high water …

• Well, that was fun. Monday’s debate was essentially a box of Twinkies, delicious in that fake, artificial way but totally devoid of substance or nutritional value. To her credit, Hillary let Trump play the fool, and she merely pivoted off that. If he hadn’t constantly barked, scowled, blithered, interrupted and dissembled, she might have had nothing to say. I doubt she even practiced her serious lines. Why would she? She knew the carnival was coming to town.
• We shouldn’t call these debates, by the way. They’re not debates. Debates have a structure and a certain decorum. This had neither. It was more of a scrum. Let’s call the next one a scrum, just for fun. It’s no less accurate, that’s for sure.
• That’s not to say I didn’t enjoy it. Hey, I like it when grownups argue like little kids on a playground, same as the next person. But all the interrupting was getting annoying. Next time Holt should be equipped with a kill button for the microphones. Or a trapdoor button. Or they should have an orchestra play a shut-up tune like they do at the Oscars.
• What was with all the sniffing by Trump? I wanted someone to run out and give him a hanky. Maybe he was sick. If so, how weak of him.
• Likewise, Hillary’s gotta work on not smirking while he’s talking. That doesn’t look good on split screen.
• Just six weeks until it’s over, people. Hang in there.
• Trump erred in not releasing his taxes a year ago. It’d be old news by now. I’m not sure what he’s so afraid of – people already figure he doesn’t pay anything. He should have ripped that Band-Aid off long ago.
• He also screwed up by saying anyone – the Chinese or a 400-pound guy – may have hacked the DNC’s computers. Chris Christie immediately said, “Hey, I did not.”
• In the end, wasn’t it all for nothing? Do you know anyone who watched the debate and changed their mind? Of course not. To most people, it was sport, which is a bit sad.
• People who say they’re still undecided – six weeks out from the election – baffle me. You know they’re not going to add another choice, right? There’s no daily special, like at a diner. I’ll bet you’re the same people who can never make up your mind in a restaurant: “I’ll have the fish. No wait, the steak. No wait, the chicken. No wait …” Pick a side, people!
• A news story said the Detroit Lions are improving wi-fi reception at Ford Field. Is that a good idea? That’s only going to lead to more tweets saying “God, they’re awful #foreversuck.” (I’m a lifelong Green Bay Packers fan, by the way, and it’s a wonderful, wonderful thing. Ask me someday about how it feels to have a team in the playoffs year in and year out.)
• A new study says sex makes men more likely to believe in God. A related study confirmed that “Yes, men really are that grateful and pathetic.”
• It’s amazing that 12 to 24 months after it was discovered, Congress still hasn’t authorized disaster relief for Flint. The slow-roll on this has been incredible – an entire city in the United States of America continues to live on bottled or filtered water. The amount proposed is $500 million. That’s a little less than the estimated cost of one of the bombers the military is building to replace the B-2 stealth bomber. Doesn’t seem like much of a choice – go with a weapon to kill people far away or new pipes to save your own? If Dan Kildee pulls off getting aid passed this week, he deserves a parade through downtown.
• “Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.” – Groucho Marx.