Come Heller high water…
- This week on “As the Trump Turns,” our hero: A) Trashed a grieving Gold Star family B) Scared the crap out of everyone when we learned he’s asked a foreign policy adviser why we can’t use our nukes C) Said to a veteran who gave him his Purple Heart “I always wanted to get the Purple Heart – this was much easier” and D) Declined to endorse fellow Republicans John McCain and Paul Ryan. I don’t care who you are, that’s a lot to accomplish in one short week. Man’s got energy.
Wait, I forgot E): He didn’t apologize for any of it. Not that anyone expected him to. Apologies are for looosers.- Some Republicans are actually planning an intervention with The Donald to try and straighten him out. Good luck. Listen, that intervention stuff may work on cocaine and alcohol addicts, but when you’re addicted to crazy, no way.
- Do you get the sense he’s trying to throw this thing? Honest. Do you? What if he ran never expecting to win the nomination and now he realizes he really isn’t interested in being president so he’s throwing it?
- To avoid Zika-carrying mosquitos at the Rio Olympics, the U.S. basketball teams will stay on a cruise ship. How much you wanna bet half of them come down with norovirus instead? I mean, c’mon, which is more likely –flu from a mosquito or the trots from a cruise ship?
- This is going to be the only cruise ever where the shore excursion is “Win a Gold Medal.”
- Doctors are saying Olympic athletes would only have to ingest about three teaspoons of the polluted water they’ll be swimming and rowing in to get sick. People in Flint are probably thinking, “Yeah, sounds horrible. Try doing it for a solid year.”
- School employees across the state Wednesday staged protests demanding Gov. Snyder return the half billion the courts said was illegally taken from their paychecks. In response, Snyder cackled “I’ll get you, my little pretties – and your little dogs, too.” Then he unleashed his army of winged monkeys to attack them.
- I’m pretty sure that really happened.
- Loved this Facebook meme of a bear standing over a man: “Bear attack tip: Play dead. It will be good practice for when you die a couple minutes later.” Personally, my bear attack strategy is to simply outrun my companion. Fortunately, the lovely yet formidable Marcia has short legs.
- Why do the tailpipes of most pickup trucks point to the side? Admittedly, we don’t get much nice weather here in Michigan, but when we do I like to drive with my windows down. Sitting next to a pickup truck belching smoke at a stoplight forces me to roll them up. First-world problem, but still annoying.
- And have you noticed we still say roll up the windows instead of hit the button to automatically raise the window? Even kids who’ve never seen a crank window say it.
- Eight in a row for the Tigers, who are suddenly pitching, hitting and playing defense. Even better, Mike Pelfrey is on the DL. Things are looking up.
- And you think you had a hard day at the office. On “America’s Got Talent,” a crossbow artist nicked her assistant with a flaming arrow. How’d you like to be that guy? “Oh, go on, it was just a scratch. I won’t miss this time. Trust me.”
- “Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.” – George Carlin.
I’m old enough that I still “dial” a phone number…
… and Carlin is right; I blame it on testosterone. That’s why we need more women elected to public office.
I say that, too.
Have you ever seen 2 women in a “cat-fight”? I mean really getting into it? Or the reaction of a woman scorned? It’s as nasty as what men can do to each other! Just saying!
Awesome column as usual. I will share it to help spread the Andy Heller name and work.
My friend JoJo said,” If a bear attacks me I’m going to play squirrel and if that doesn’t work I’m going to play Flying Squirrel,” the way he sees it , there will be plenty of time to play dead if the bear catches him
Whenever I sent my son camping with my husband my last words were “I love you honey. Remember, you don’t have to be faster than the bears just faster than your friends….or your father.”
You forgot one thing that the Trumpster did in the past week – the big baby kicked out a crying little baby and its mother at a campaign rally. Real class act there, don’t you think???
“Why do the tailpipes of most pickup trucks point to the side?”
The answer is they are built to tow and you don’t want to vent your exhaust directly toward livestock in your trailer. You don’t want to vent it towards expensive toys or equipment you’re towing either.
I am simply amazed by Donald Trump. Amazed anyone can open their mouth and say such stupid, moronic things and not even flinch. It is beyond comprehension.
People like Trump are more common than you think, they’re practically incapable of admitting when they’re wrong. Their followers are even more common, they listen to the loud mouth leader because he tell them what they want to hear.
” Fortunately, the lovely yet formidable Marcia has short legs.” I think you are going to pay for this remark about the “formidable” Marcia”. LOL
Swell column, but being glad that Mike Pelfrey is hurt seems like something Trump would write. Mike pitched very well in the game when he got hurt, and the Tigers have relied on him all season. You, Andrew, might meet Mike in person some day. That day, what you wrote will hang in the air between you and Mike. You will wish you had not written it.
Technically, I said I was not unhappy he was on the DL, but I get your point.
Gawwwd you are funny and always so….so…so….perspicacious.
Perspicacious might be the nicest thing anyone’s ever said about me.
Actually, the Flying Monkeys were answering the phones in the gov’s office…
Andrew, thanks for your answer in this post. In the next post (Friday), you may have a data problem. It does not show up. Can’t see it, can’t read it.