Come Heller high water … the ‘Wait, Mr. President, you think we flush our toilets how many times?’ edition

Come Heller high water …

• My biggest problem with Republicans in Congress these days is that they know they’re lying. They know Trump did it. They know he’s an awful human being who is damaging our democracy. They know he deserves to be impeached and removed. And yet they continue to support him. Why? My guess is human nature. Remember when you were a kid and you broke, say, a lamp? You knew you were lying and your parents knew you were lying but you kept on repeating the lie anyway, sometimes to the point of hysterics? That’s where Republicans are right now. They seem to believe that if they stick to their story  long enough people will eventually believe them and not their own eyes and ears. The scary thing is, what if they’re right?
• There’s also the deep human instinct to protect the tribe. That’s clearly what Jonathan Turley, the conservative law professor from George Washington University who testified on Day 1 of the impeachment hearings, was doing, even at the cost of his reputation. He said – in public and with a straight face – that he didn’t see any proof that Trump committed a crime and therefore shouldn’t be impeached. This is a constitutional law professor! He knows full well that laws don’t have to be broken for the House to impeach a president. He even said so – publicly – at Bill Clinton’s impeachment. Does he think tape doesn’t exist of those hearings? Of course not. He’s a smart guy. He knew media would simply go look up what he’s said previously on the topic. And yet, this week, he said what he said anyway. Because the tribe expected it of him.
• By the way, at Clinton’s impeachment, Turley also warned House members that if they didn’t hold Clinton accountable “you will expand the space for executive conduct.” But apparently the same isn’t true now. My how things changed depending on who’s in power.
• Democrats are saying the House will vote on impeachment before Christmas. Which will be followed five minutes later by a Senate vote to acquit. Which will be followed five minutes later by the arrest of every Democrat in Congress. Which will be followed by a long Hoffa-like mystery about whatever happened to them.
• When a reporter asked Nancy Pelosi if she hates Trump, she said as a Catholic she doesn’t hate anybody. Trump was later asked the same question and he’s still talking.
• Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, French President Macron and UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson were caught on a live mic making fun of Trump. Being teased by Trudeau and Macron is one thing, but it’s really got to sting to be teased by Johnson, who is the only leader in the world with weirder hair than Trump. If you didn’t see the SNL skit about this, go watch it. Spot on.
• Trump capped the week by saying low-flow toilets cause Americans to flush 10-15 times for each … what should we call them, Trumps? Ironically, that might have been the least crazy thing he said all week.
• The mockery Peloton is getting for its annoying TV commercial is richly deserved. If you haven’t seen it, a ridiculously fit and beautiful woman who lives in a McMansion is given a $2,400 exercise bike for Christmas by her husband. And she doesn’t react the way most wives would: “So you think I’m fat?” or “You spent how much?” Instead, she acts like she’s so far gone health-wise that she should probably just crawl into a hole somewhere and die instead of trying to resurrect the wretched, out-of-shape hulk that is her apparently flawless body. Peloton says the commercial was “misinterpreted.” But that, of course, means it wasn’t misinterpreted at all.
• While I’m bashing Christmas commercials, can we knock it off with the commercials where people buy themselves or their spouses luxury cars for Christmas and have them sitting in the driveway with a giant bow on Christmas morning? Who does that? No one I know. (And if you’re one of them, will you marry me? I’m also available for adoption.)
• Ford will soon be making bioplastic car parts out of recycled coffee waste from McDonald’s. The parts will not only make cars lighter, thereby using less gas and lowering CO2 emissions, they’ll also go great with a bagel.
• Maybe a better joke would be: “On the plus side, the coffee parts will make cars lighter. On the downside, you won’t be able to touch them for hours and hours and hours.” (Basis for dumb joke: I once bought a McDonald’s coffee in Flint and could finally drink it by the time I got to Gaylord. No kidding. I’m pretty sure it was made with nuclear waste.)
• Potato farmers are warning that a weak harvest might lead to a French fry shortage. I think we’ve finally found a climate change argument that will resonate with people. “Destroy the planet and cause widespread human suffering – OK, I can live with that. But touch my French fries? We need action now!”
• I saw this headline the other day: “38 incredible pools to swim in before you die.” Pools? They think there are people who lust for pools? I think the bucket list thing has officially jumped the shark. (Just as, ironically enough, the expression ‘jump the shark.’)
• “Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people.” – Spencer Johnson.