“The last one is finally out of the house.”
That’s what I’ve been telling people in a jokey sort of guy way, with the emphasis on the word finally, as if I simply couldn’t wait for this moment to arrive.
But I don’t mean a word of it.
When we dropped Henry, our youngest, at college the other day for the start of his freshman year it was like (not to be dramatic or anything) cutting off your right hand and leaving it with a stranger.
“Take good care of that hand now. Trim the nails. Use lotion. Ha, ha! I’ll be back to see it in a month or so. Or longer. Who knows? I don’t really care. Ha, ha! Joke, joke!”
But parents who have experienced kids leaving the nest know that freshman year at college is a turning point. They’ll come back for weekends and holidays, and there’s summer, of course. And you’ll visit them. Or we will anyway. A tailgate party with him is already in the works. We also threatened him with weekly weekend visits if he doesn’t text and call with us sufficiently. (He knows from painful experience that our ‘smother’ threats are a real and present danger.)
But they’re never quite “yours” in the same sense. Freshmen year is the first step toward them permanently not living with you ever again. As a parent, you recognize that. On some level, they get it too, but I have yet to meet a college freshman who thought much beyond the next party or exam. Looking ahead is not their thing.
To them, coming home for a month at Christmas is “same as it ever was,” to quote the epic Talking Heads song. To you – or maybe it’s just me – each visit home is one more step away from you and who you collectively were as a family when you all lived under the same roof and shared the same food, germs, joys, and stresses. Each time when they leave it’s like watching the tide roll out slowly, taking a piece of your heart with it. Kids ebb and flow. That’s the sad truth.
Sorry, I’m still in the maudlin stage. I get that way. Marcia tears up. I brood. I’ve always feared endings. Sam left, what, six years ago for his undergrad? Now he’s in law school. I still miss his goofiness around the house on a daily basis. Annie is a senior at the same school Henry’s attending, and she comes home a lot. But I still ache for her smart, sassy ways when she’s not around. (She’s got a Ph.D. in putting up with me. She gets her master’s level eye-roll from her mother, of course.)
As I mentioned, Henry is our youngest, so our empty nest years are suddenly here, and it feels unreal. We’ve had the noise and busyness of kids for 24 years now. I think both of us have forgotten what life was like before them. I suspect we’re both wondering how this thing is going to go when it’s just her and just me.
Maybe it’ll be a ball. We’re the types who seldom took time off from the kids. We even vacationed with them because we wanted them to be a bit “worldly,” so they went to Jamaica, Hawaii, Costa Rico, New York, Washington D.C. and a hundred other places with us.
Maybe traveling on our own will be a revelation. Maybe not working all day then doing kid duty all evening – baths, homework, chauffeuring, cross country meets, cheerleading, dance class, sleepovers, baseball practice, soccer practice etc. – will be a good thing. Look at all this time we suddenly have! Whoohoo!
Some couples tell us they love it.
No offense to these people, but I suspect they’re lying.
Image credit: Jerry Kiesewetter on Unsplash
When my son (only child) left home for the first time, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I think he subconsciously prepared me for it, since he was gone a lot anyway because of work and hanging out with friends. I actually had paint colors picked out before the moving truck left the driveway for repainting his room to turn it into my home office! He did have to come back a year later due to a break up but it only lasted 6 months & he was out on his own again. I think that time hit me harder than the first.
The first one as a freshman was the worst. I am like you it’s hard at first but as time goes forward I seem to fret less. It sure was a big adjustment when the last one was gone. I will always worry about my kids. Probably will till I die. We are lucky our kids and grandkids are fairly close for regular visits. I like but not love that they are grown and on their own. They made good in this often times evil world but that’s what we want as parents. It’s a natural progression. What really bugs me is as they get older and as the grandkids get older it’s makes me closer to the inevitable! Life changes a lot in a few short years, but I am probably enjoying it more than ever. Life’s good!! Enjoy.
You’ll have time for stronger connections with your friends. And, time for a some second childhood stuff. Rick and I bought a side-by-side to go on great rides with friends. Kind of like big kids with go-carts. It’ll be fine.
Have no idea what a side by side is but it sounds fun.
I think they are LYING too!
When our baby left for college, it was tough. Just when we came to terms with that, she decided to come back and do local college. THIS was tough, as she had experienced independence, and we were used to being on our own. But the really tough part is when they get married, and make the shocking discovery that holidays will never be the same now that they have to share families. We have tried to prepare them to be independent, but it’s hard to kiss them good-bye.
Our children were spread out with the first child being eleven years older than the last. My husband was sixty and I was close behind in years when the last one went off to college. When the baby finally flew the nest we felt like we had run a marathon and were ready for a rest and taking time for ourselves. It didn’t take long to realize our time was our own and we began traveling the world. Then the kids started getting married and having families of their own and we were called to grandparenting duties attending school events and helping with babysitting. Now in our seventies, we realize how precious time and good health have become. If you do it right, your children and grandchildren want to visit and create new memories for you and them. The circle of life is about letting go and welcoming back. Have no regrets, create lots of memories, and enjoy the ride.
Very well said!
Amen to that!
Sorry I have to take exception to that, you do everything right and end in a very sad place with your child. However, we thankfully have two and the other is one that we appreciate SO much and she the same for us. Thing is despite the horror we experienced with the first, the leaving-to-college to with the second was a heart wrench as you describe. It took years of thought, effort, devotion to each other, time, luck and professional help (family ostracizing us and friends drifted away) to bring us to what is now a really great place. Yes empty nest is rough especially at first but it is a chance to re-discover each other, and do the things you most want to do together or apart-and-recovene. Good luck!
Extremely well said, Andrew and all the rest of you. This is sentimental, but it is NOT knee-jerk Art-Linkletter-style sentiment. It is sassy, thought-out, real-life sentiment. Andrew, please include this column and all these wonderful comments in your next book.
Will do. I intentionally try to not get sappy. I’m not a sappy guy.
Andy, the best part of the empty nest years is getting to watch your kids blossom into adults.
Kids grow up and become adults. At some point they leave to live their life as they see fit. It’s sad to see the point come where you’re not with them every day anymore, but they do come back to visit. Some come back when they hit a rough patch and you help them get through it.
The worst part is looking in the mirror and seeing some old dude looking back at you.
That’s really hard to take.
You got that right.
“… the best part… is getting to watch your kids blossom into adults.”
“The worst part is looking in the mirror and seeing some old dude looking back at you.”
Profound!