Having owned a dog my whole life, I have decided they are not only as smart as many people – including most of those running for president – I think we can learn a lot by observing how they live their lives.
One recent example : Tonka, our current dog, somehow managed to get up on my son’s desk and devour an Easter candy bar his nose told him was up there.
I had to admire his plan of attack. First, he had to get up on a rolling desk chair that sits atop a slippery wood floor without killing himself. Then he had to locate the candy bar from beneath the mound of socks, papers and trash covering the desk. (Henry’s room is an ongoing experiment in the landfill sciences.) Then he had to get down using the rolling chair of death. Finally, he had to conjure up a convincing “Who me? Must have been robbers” look when we discovered the mess.
James Bond should do so well.
Now, chocolate, of course, is toxic to dogs, and it wasn’t long before his innards were doing the cha-cha. After talking to the vet’s office, we decided to let him ride out the coming storm rather than take him in.
After 24 hours of turmoil – details of which you most assuredly do not want to hear – he was back to his usual fool self, barking at squirrels through the picture window and tearing around the house. (If your dog ingests chocolate, PetMD.com has a helpful toxicity meter and tips on what to do.)
I admire that. Me, if I’d been poisoned, I’d have laid around for days moaning and groaning that this was it, this is the end, oh woe is me. It might be a week before I got back to being my normal, fool self.
That’s when I decided I would do well to emulate behaviors I have noticed in Tonka and other cherished dogs over the years, and thus I came up with the following “Mutt’s Guide to Life.”
- Thou shalt begin each day with five full minutes of stretching and scratching your face on the carpet. Because it just feels good.
- Thou shalt dance and yip every time someone says, “Let’s go outside.”
- Thou shalt never pass up a chance for a good, long walk.
- Thou shalt run with joy, play with joy and even sleep with joy.
- And speaking of joy, thou shalt nap as often as humanly possible, for naps are good and holy.
- Thou shalt never take a second of this life for granted and thou shalt always live in the moment.
- Thou shalt always forgive instantly and completely.
- Thou shalt always greet someone coming home as if you haven’t seen them for 10 years even if it’s only been 10 minutes.
- Thou shalt love those who love you and take care of you with every ounce of your being each and every day from dawn to dusk.
- Thou shalt rage gleefully at squirrels forever and always because they are the mortal enemy. (Insert your own version of squirrels here, I guess.)
I feel compelled to add one more bit of advice for dogs and people:
Thou shalt never drink out of the toilet because, c’mon, man, that’s just gross.
I think most dog owners can identify with your column today ! With the exception of scratching one’s face on the carpet and drinking from the toilet, the “Mutt’s Guide to Life” would work beautifully for humans as well. What a wonderful world it would be !
Dear Andrew,
One more: Thou shalt never miss a chance to roll with glee in something stinky.
Loved this column, love dogs.
Picture of Tonka is cute!
If only humans would abide by it, what a wonderful world we would live in.
You tickled my funny bone with this one Andy. So glad your pooch is OK after eating chocolate.
Thanks, Louise. He worries us to death sometimes.
Loved this column. All fit my little best friend to a tee except the toilet-he’s too short, but when I am in the bathroom he has to peek his head through the door to make certain he hasn’t lost me and to make certain I haven’t gone somewhere without letting him know.
Yes!!!! If I read nothing else today–nothing–I shall still be content.
Loved this column!! Your Tonka is too cute, and so glad he is okay! It is so scary when our furr babies are sick!
Great column Andy! Even though I’m not a dog owner, I see Tonka in all the dogs I’ve known…
Great column, Andy. Wish we all could live by this Guide To Life!
I literally was just sitting here looking at my almost 13 yr
old Golden Sandie, having a doggie dream during nap # 5 today and wondering what she dreams of…guessing beach house
On Lake Michigan like I do.
Love your columns, Andy! Printing this one out for my daughter whose yellow lab ate 4 raw filet mignons that were about to be cooked on the grill.
Thanks! I might have considered grilling the dog if it did that.
My lab ate a half dozen beef sticks I set down while removing my shoes recently. Wendy yelled at me for it, it was my fault my snacks became dog snacks and it was my fault for telling her. I should have emulated the dog and said nothing, what snacks?
to add, our mini Schnauzer straddles the top of the couch that backs into the picture window. Besides all your aforementioned malice aforethought evidence, she barks to high heaven at every living thing that moves. She is our very underpaid, overloved security system. And she’s such a little shit….
I no longer have a dog but he was similar in sneaky acts. Saw your column in Township paper. Loved it. I said you would find something outside The Journal where you would be appreciated for your talent Andy. HAPPY for YOU!
Thanks, Verna. I’m glad you’re here. I still love doing the column – whether it’s in the View, the TC Times or here.