A new study by the American Psychological Association says constantly checking your email, Facebook and Twitter can be hazardous to your mental health.
As my back home pal Moon Dimple would probably say, “Well, duh. Next they’ll tell us eating lard straight from the can is bad for you, too.”
It’s true that experts are always studying things that don’t need to be studied. But just to be sure, I called up one of the study’s chief researchers, Dr. Ima Navelgazer, for additional insights.
“So, doctor, how can email possibly be bad for you?”
“Well, for one thing, have you ever gotten an email from a deposed Nigerian prince?”
“Yes.”
“Well, I hate to break it to you, but he’s a phony. He doesn’t really want to deposit $10 million in your bank account.”
“He doesn’t?”
“No, the most I’ve ever heard of anyone getting is $2 million, tops. It’s hardly worth your time.”
“Interesting. Are there other email hazards we should be aware of?”
“Yes, certainly. For instance, our crack researchers found that reading and responding to emails from your boss is definitely bad for you, and we recommend that you delete them immediately upon arrival without reading them. No one needs that kind of stress.”
“I’ll be sure to do that, thank you. Anything else?”
“Yes, you should be extremely careful about buying things online.”
“Ah, because of identity theft?”
“No, because the second you buy something online, ads for it start popping onto your screen.”
“That doesn’t sound so dangerous.”
“It can be if you buy something kinky for your girlfriend from Victoria Secret and your wife walks by.”
“I see. But what about social media? Is that bad for you, too?”
“It can be, yes. For instance, have you ever seen those needy, passive aggressive Facebook posts where someone says ‘I suspect no one reads my posts, so to find out who does, please respond to this one with ‘I do!’ or I’ll drop you from my friend list.”
“Ugh, yes, I’ve seen those. They make me want to punch a flower.”
“You’re not alone. Our study indicates even nuns are 75 percent more likely to give their screen the finger when they read one of those posts. The only posts that are less popular, statistically speaking, are cliffhangers.”
“What are cliffhangers?”
“Those are the posts where people write ‘What a day!’ or ‘Pray for me’ so everyone asks them why.”
“I’m getting stressed out just thinking about it. But, doc, what about Twitter? Twitter can’t be possibly be stressful can it?”
“It can be if you follow Trump.”
Lol, I thought we were going to make it all the way through without any anti Trump rhetoric. Haha, almost got me Andrew. ?
C’mon, you know better than that.
So, I need to quit reading things like Andrew Heller?
If the column stresses you out, certainly.
Twitter-de-dee, Twiddle my thumbs,
The Dump likes to tweet ’til his fingers are numb,
Says most everyone, “Please don’t lie!”
But still he tweets while democracy dies.
Nice.
I miss Dwight Eisenhower. I remember wearing my “I like Ike” pin. Politicians these days “ain’t got no respect”.
I am trying to send you my brother’s caption on a Trump photo, but I am not sure I know how to do it. Try this, please:
trump meme.jpg
No. That is not even a link. Here is what you are supposed to see and read: A photo of President Trump signing some document, with my brothers Joe’s caption:
“Trump defends administration views on science; Signs order increasing penalties on witchcraft.”
Git it?
Not bad! Voodoo is a funnier word tho. Just sayin’
He should take a good look in the mirror,
The dump who likes to twitter,
He’s good at playing the blame game,
But what’s absent is his sense of shame.
We wound up talking about Trump again. Okay, what the heck? Do you all know where our word CRASS comes from? You know CRASS; Trump is the embodiment of CRASS. The word comes from the richest man in Rome, at the time of Julius Caesar. That richest man was Marcus Licinius Crassus. CRASSus! Git it?
Crassus was extremely rich, but not very smart or classy. Maybe, like our current President???
Well, here is how Crassus ended up: He was not a soldier, but he was so rich that he bribed and persuaded the Roman Senate to give him a mighty army. He marched to the east, against the Iranians. Possible parallel to Trump here?
And, the Iranians overwhelmed him. Killed most of the soldiers, and captured Crassus himself. The Iranian emperor executed Crassus by pouring molten gold down his throat.
Yikes!