“Fanaticism is the danger of the world. It always has been and has done untold harm.” – Bertrand Russell
Two startling factoids:
- Only 60 percent of eligible voters voted in the 2016 election. (I learned this from an NFL public service announcement. Who says watching football isn’t educational?)
- At this time in 2016, an NBC/Wall Street Journal poll had Hillary Clinton 14 percentage points ahead of Trump.
So, I know what some of you are thinking. You’re thinking: “You know what, if Trump dies, I probably won’t bother voting.”
Good lord, please bother. If he dies, his cult followers – formerly known as the Republican Party – will survive him. Viruses wanna live, too, y’know. (And, yes, I’m calling the GOP a virus, in case you weren’t sure. If that upsets you, write to me at idon’tcare.com.) I can guarantee you that the Party of Trump will find a way to get Pence on the ballot. Or have states give their Electoral College votes to him. Or sue and throw the election to the Supreme Court. Or somehow, declare Don Jr. his stand-in. Which … yikes. Do you want that on your conscience? I don’t think so.
Vote.
“Well, even if he doesn’t die, no way a sick guy wins the presidency. Maybe I’ll sit this one out.”
To quote my favorite movie, “Yer killin’ me, Smalls.” First, voting is about your only job as American, besides pretending to like NASCAR. So suck it up, buttercup. Second, and I cannot emphasize this enough, Trump is a disaster wrapped in a catastrophe wrapped inside a calamity wrapped inside a giant burrito smothered in nacho cheese sauce.
Am I being paranoid? You betcha.
Vote.
“Well, even if he recovers, he won’t be able to hold his rallies, and if he can’t hold his rallies, he has no chance, so why bother?”
Because the monster in just about every bad horror movie ever always comes back to life after you think he’s dead. Trump is no different.
Vote.
“But maybe COVID will change him.”
You must be joking? If you think a little thing like nearly dying is going to suddenly turn him into a Care Bear, I’ve got a warehouse of hydroxychloroquine I’d like to sell you.
Go vote.
“C’mon, he’s miles behind in the polls.”
Hello, Hillary? You wanna explain this to these nice people: IT DOESN”T MATTER! Polls are vapor. Predicting elections is like predicting a football game. No one says Team A is “leading” six weeks ahead of time based on a poll. And do you know why? Because it’s ludicrous. The media turns elections into horse races because it builds drama, which builds readership/viewership, which benefits them, not you.
Vote.
“But I’m not wild about Biden. Maybe I’ll just stay home.”
So? I’m not wild about broccoli. But I eat it anyway. Because broccoli is good for you. Trump, by comparison, is a Hot Pocket. The first bite might taste good but he’ll only scald your tongue and give you heart disease.
Vote.
“But what if it’s rainy on Election Day?”
They make these things called “umbrellas.” Buy one and go vote.
“What if my kids are sick or the dog throws up on the carpet or I’m just too tired?”
Vote anyway. Voting is like exercise. It feels good after you do it. Focus on that.
“What if a small thermonuclear device goes off in my city on Election Day?”
Vote anyway. Trump has done more damage in four years than a small thermonuclear device.
Imagine what he could do with four more years.
I’ll see you at the polls.
Image credit: Donkey Hotey
We’ve missed you, Andy. Glad you’re back. Already voted. Working the polls.
Thanks, Kendra. I’ll get better.
Welcome back Andy. Missed your wisdom.
Hi Andrew,
I just about gave up thinking you would return! I’m glad you are back!
Voting is priority one with me. You would think our country would have learned by now not to take anything for granted anymore. I guess I’m not surprised.
I vote, no matter what. I just hope we won’t have 2 more debates like the first one, and I turned it off within the first 15 minutes.
Yep, turned my ballot in to the Township Clerk last week. Didn’t want to take any chances that something could get in the way.
Great column. You nailed it. Thank you for the laughs!
Welcome back Andy, it has been a while.
Yes I agree…… Vote!
Vote by mail, take it and deliver it personally to your local clerk.
Vote in person, wear a mask and social distance.
Just vote……… please, take the time to vote.
Very encouraging to hear i’m not alone regarding the imbecile in the WH.
YES…VOTE, VOTE, VOTE, VOTE, VOTE, VOTE, VOTE, VOTE, VOTE, VOTE!!!!!!!
It has never been more important or, critical.
Hopefully our ballots should show up today or tomorrow. When my wife and I fill them out we are taking them directly to our city clerk’s office. As a reminder, make sure you sign your envelope. I have voted in every presidential election since 1974. But this one seems to be the most important one so far in my life!
Glad to see column back, Andy. Taking voting for granted is a huge mistake. As we say here in the west end of Da UP….Vote early and vote often 🙂 …..
Good read, Andrew. Here’s a comparison, from over the border, for all those cavalier COVID-19 deniers.
Canadian political and health officials are increasingly worried about the inevitability of a massive 2nd wave. Me too. My wife and I are masking, hand-washing, distancing and leaving our property only as necessary and prudent.
But, let’s compare some numbers. Yesterday, Texas (population 29 million) reported 14,900 new infections. Yesterday, Ontario (population 14.5 million or 1/2 of Texas pop.) reported 566 new infections.
It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see what’s really going on.
Deposited wife’s and self’s ballots in Township clerks office I hope they’re honest!
Great to read you, Andrew! I am going to work at the polls Nov. 3. A rare opportunity to participate directly in history. All you people out there: It is NOT to late to sign up for election work. And, please note that you will get paid about $200 to do it.
Missed you Andy. Glad you’re back. Voted Friday and my neighbor delivered them to City Hall
that afternoon.
Andy: Welcome back, you were missed. I have never understood why voting numbers are so traditionally low in this country. There are places in this world where people literally risk their lives to exercise that precious right.
We’ve turned our ballots in to our township office and my wife is going to work the election.
Thank you for your column and once again welcome back. You made my day.
Apparently, Trump himself has infected many of his employees and family members with Covid. And, Trump feels no shame about this, because Trump is a nasty, creepy person. Please vote him out.
Andy! So glad you’re back. I was worried. Looked & looked for you online & couldn’t find anything as to where you were. Where you went. I sure hope you’re okay.
In 2016 I compared Hillary to Brussels Sprouts (I hate brussels sprouts) and Trump to rat poison. Although I hate brussels sprouts, they are good for you. Rat poison will kill you! To compare Trump to Hot Pockets, which arguably aren’t good for you, but might be okay taste wise, they certainly won’t kill you (at least not right away) is an injustice to Hot Pockets.
Glad you are back!
On masks:
The right-wing nuts refuse to wear face masks, EXCEPT, when they pose with their rifles and ammo and combat knives, in photos of their militia cells.
In those photos, they all wear bandit masks, to shield their identities. These people! Oh, my goodness!