This just in: None of the Above will win the Michigan primary

By Andrew Heller

A CNN report we’ll see Tuesday night if any sanity is left in the world …

“This is Ted Hairgel reporting live from Michigan where, in a stunning development, None of the Above has won the Republican presidential primary here. With me now is none other than None of the Above himself. Thank you for joining us Mr. Above.”

“Just call me None.”

“Thank you, None. So how did you do it?”

“It wasn’t really that hard, Ted. In fact, I didn’t do anything at all.”

“Well, clearly the voters of Michigan thought otherwise. They overwhelmingly chose you over the other three GOP frontrunners, Donald Trump, Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio. Let’s look at the totals, which are now official: 80 percent for you, 15 percent for Trump, 5 percent for Rubio, and negative 74 percent for Cruz.”

“Negative 74 percent? Is that even possible?”

“It is when you apparently scare people as much as Cruz does. So tell me, what was your strategy?”

“Well, like I said, I didn’t really have one. I didn’t even know I was a candidate. People just kinda voted for me.”

“They didn’t just vote for you. You won the highest percentage of votes ever awarded in a single state during a presidential primary.”

“Wow, I’m stunned.”

“And your support wasn’t confined to the GOP. According to a new CNN projection, you also tied for the lead in Michigan on the Democratic ballot with you, Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders all taking home roughly 33 percent of the vote.”

“Again, like, wow!”

“Let’s go now to CNN political analyst Sarah Lipflapper for her view on what’s behind this spectacular turn of events. Sarah?”

“Thanks, Ted. If I were going to sum up the situation in one word, I’d use the word disgust. It’s clear that GOP voters are disgusted by the choices being offered to them. As one voter told me after the most recent Republican debate, which focused on the size of Donald Trump’s, er, little Donald, ‘Where the heck have all the grown-ups gone?’ And as another voter told  me “You know it’s bad when people are getting nostalgic for Mitt Romney.’”

“Fascinating, Sarah. And what about the Democratic side? Are you seeing an equal level of disgust there?”

“For Trump, Cruz and Rubio? Of course not. Democrats love those guys – are you kidding me? As one anonymous Democratic insider told me, ‘In comparison to those guys, Hillary and Bernie look like Washington and Lincoln.’”

“I meant are you seeing disgust among Democratic voters over the Democratic candidates?”

“Not as much, Ted. But as the Michigan totals would suggest, there’s growing dissatisfaction with both parties and their shenanigans, so I wouldn’t be surprised if this is just the beginning for None of the Above, who could turn into a real factor moving forward.”

“Absolutely stunning, Sarah, thank you. Let’s go back to None of the Above now for a final thought. So, None, I think everyone wants to know what’s next? Will you become an official candidate now that the people of Michigan have spoken so loudly?”

“It depends, I guess.”

“On whether you’re going to ask me if I have small hands or not. None of the Above doesn’t go for that stuff.”