At 58, I like to think I’m still a hip, happenin’ guy. But as it turns out, I’m not. Out of 20 “old school” behaviors that a USA Today article says positively no one does anymore, I still do 12.
Possibly 14.
But definitely not more than 16.
OK, it was 18.
For instance, I still use cash, which I keep in this thing I like to call a “wallet.” And when I want to “buy” something, I go to this other thing called “a store,” where I whip out my wallet, take out some cash (cash, for you millennials, is what we old people call grimy slips of green paper with old dudes’ pictures on them) and hand it to a clerk.
Clearly, that’s an act of monetary aggression that will be outlawed soon, based on this exchange I had the other day.
Clerk: “Your total is $17.54, please.”
Me (handing her a crisp $100 bill): “Here you go.”
Her (recoiling as if I were handing her a live cobra): “Uh, do you have something smaller. Like a twenty, maybe?”
Me: “No, this is all I have.”
Her: “I only have change for a twenty.”
Me: “This is a store. How can you not have change for a twenty?”
Her: “Because no one pays in cash anymore.”
That’s not true. I do. I also use my cell phone to make “calls” to people in order to talk to them. Usually, these calls are not answered, particularly if I’m calling one of my children, who, being Y generation members, think actually talking to human beings is a bizarre concept. I know this because they regularly text me after I call them to tell me so. The last time, my daughter added a frowny-face emoticon next to the words, “Really, dad?”
I also listen to compact discs, which the article said “have probably gone the way of the wax cylinder.” I hope not because CDs are way better than wax cylinders or digital music. I’ve never once heard a commercial on a compact disc or not been able to listen at all because my internet signal was acting up. The only thing better than a CD, by the way, is a record album. The sound is richer and I love cover art and lyric sheets. You young’uns don’t know what you’re missing.
After reading the article, I started thinking about all the old school things I still do. The list was long and disturbing.
I still prefer real newspapers over digital. I like paper books way better than digital books. I would never buy clothes online. Ever. Because I know whatever I buy won’t fit and I’ll be too lazy to return it. I can’t imagine using a grocery buying delivery service. I buy and use stamps. I still use a travel agent for big trips. I still watch network TV. I’ve never once used a credit card at the pump and never will because I’m convinced all of them are monitored by hackers, who, when they kids, were probably the types who would step on my lawn. I still wish newspapers had movie listings because I think it was way easier. I think board games are just as much fun as video games. And I think the idea of doing a crossword puzzle on an app is horrifying. Erasing is half the joy.
This one really date me, though: I still think it’s ridiculous to pay $5 for a cup of coffee and I refuse – positively refuse – to utter the words tall, venti, grande or barista. Most Starbucks clerks are cool with it if I order a small, medium or large. But I did have this exchange once:
Me: “I’ll have a small latte.”
Clerk: “Tall, right?”
Me: “No, a small.”
Clerk: “A tall is a small.”
Me: “A small can’t be a tall. A tall sounds large.”
Clerk: “A large is a grande.”
Me: “But I don’t want a grande, I want a small.”
Clerk: “One tall, then.”
Me (sighing): “Fine. But how big is the tall?”
Clerk: “It’s pretty small.”
Me: “Then give me a medium.”
Clerk: “Vente.”
At that point, I gave up and went with the tall.
Just to tick him off, though, I paid with cash.
Photo by James Sutton on Unsplash
Old habits are hard to break!
Well, I’m must be an old girl then because I do all of the above. We now have two generations in our family who hate talking on the phone & make faces of horror when we buy CDs, movies & newspapers/books! They just about faint when they see my lifelong record collection which actually includes all of my grand mother’s 78 records!
I got rid of my albums 10 years ago and regret it. I’m slowly building back a collection.
I use a pen when I do crossword puzzles. It gives me confidence. And if I make an error, I try to change the wrong letter to the correct one so slightly that you can’t tell I changed the letter. Try doing that on a device!
I do the same thing.
Ditch Starbucks, they are too expensive and the coffee is harsh.
Einstein Brothers or Dunkin Donuts do me just fine and their cinnamon raisin bagels are yummy.
I love Starbucks coffee, but only when I make it. Coffee that sits in a tank for half an hour sucks.
I had to learn how to text about ten years ago when our youngest went to college. It was the only way I could find out if he was alive or not. He’d never call or answer my calls but I’d at least get a moji response with a scoll indicating he was not happy about whatever it was I had asked. If we don’t keep up with the times we’ll be left at the curb!! I’m way older than you and wise enough to know I needed to at least attempt to keep up with the kids. I want my grandkids to have the thrill of teaching grandma. You’d be surprised at how many laughs we have together.
I am guilty of all of the above offences and probably a few more. Not only do I not text, I don’t even have a phone that will. Still love my flip-phone. I don’t try to keep up with the kids so I can give them stories to tell their friends about their OLD granny.
I cannot seem to re-send your articles via Email. I’ve tried & tried to do this & my friend does not receive them. Am I doing something wrong? Please respond. Thanks
You should be able to simply copy the web address of the column or copy and paste into an email. You could also just send her the name of the blog, http://www.andrewheller.com.
Believe me, I – actually everybody over 55 – can relate all too well. Everything you mentioned is “spot on”. Wait until you my age (73), it gets even worse.
I switched to texting just so I could communicate with family members (the ones who never answered a call, never responded to a voice mail, but immediately responded to a text). I visit my financial institution once a month to get cash, but also use a rewards credit card. No expensive coffee, just Speedway when on the road. REALLY miss the CD players in cars for road trips. And definitely old enough to remember being able to adjust the sound and the speakers on the stereo until it was perfect.
We just got a brand new car. Lots of features! The car impresses me, but I do not know how to operate most of its gizmoes.