Real news item: “As Trump surged ahead in Tuesday night’s election, Canada’s immigration website crashed after becoming overloaded by Americans looking for a new country to call home.”
“… 54,374, 54,375. Hey, Bob,” said one immigration official to another.
“Ya, Doug?”
“We’ve been checking in Americans now for nine straight hours, eh? When do we get a lunch break?”
“Beats me. All I know is da boss said dere would be no breaks ‘til the line gets shorter.”
“But it’s miles long … 54, 666, 54,667 …”
“Ya, I know. But give ‘em a break, they’re political refugees. They’d do the same for us.”
“Ya, I know … 55,001, 55, 002 … but where are we gonna put ‘em all?”
“How about Nunavut up dere by the Arctic Circle?”
“Oh, ya, dere’s a good idea. Stick ‘em in da northernmost permanently inhabited place in da world. Da polar bears would get ‘em in a second.”
“Well, Saskatoon is nice this time of year.”
“Don’t be ridiculous – dey would freeze their tuckuses off up dere, too.”
“Ya, I suppose. Americans are kinda weather wusses.”
“Ya, did you hear that one from Miami who asked – hold on, 57,777, 57,778, 57,779 — who asked when summer starts up here?”
“Ya, I loved her face when you told her it starts July 20th and ends July 21st.”
“Ya, I thought she was gonna cry, hey?”
The conversation paused as the line grew longer and longer.
“68,111, 68,112, 68,113 … jeez, Bob, this line is ridiculous,” said Doug. “We can’t just let ‘em all in, right?”
“Dat’s not up to me,” Bob replied. “But I’ll tell ya dis: I’m worried about what all dese Americans’ll do to our fine Canadian culture, don’tcha know.”
“Ya, me, too.”
“Like what if they don’t like euchre?”
“Oh, go on, who doesn’t like euchre?”
“Or what if dey start complaining about all da plaid?”
“But I love plaid. Da stripes keep in da heat. Little known fact.”
“But what if they don’t love it? And what about all dere celebrities? I saw a bunch in just da last half hour – Alec Baldwin, Sheryl Crow, Rosie O’Donnell and the entire cast of ‘The View.’”
“The View? This is more serious than I thought. Holy wuh, here’s a thought: What if dey keep doing da show from up here and call it ‘Da View from Canada’ or somethin’ like dat?”
“The horror!”
“… 69,999, 70,000, 70,001. But you know what scares me da most?”
“What’s dat?”
“Dat dere’s so many of ‘em, they’ll come in here and bring their own sports and refreshments with ‘em and drown out ours, y’know?”
“You mean, like, instead of beer and hockey we’d have to start liking football and wine?”
The two men looked at each other and in unison said, “We gotta build a wall.”
Two hundred and forty years ago our forebears brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all people are created equal.
Now we are engaged in a great civil struggle, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure.
We are met in the wake of a great election of this struggle, and we have come to learn that we have a great deal of understanding of one another to do so that this nation might prosper. It is altogether necessary and right that we should do this.
So shall we all highly resolve to begin listening to all those who are suffering, be it economically or socially — so that this nation shall have a new birth of freedom — and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.
-with apologies to A. Lincoln
Dat dere was funny Andy. They wouldn’t even notice me in Canada, I love flannel and am quite accustomed to the weather.
thank you for the humor – we all need it at this time. I laughed sooo hard when they said nunavut as I knew where it was on the globe- would give new meaning to the understanding of wind chill factor !