I don’t know what will happen Monday during the first debate between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, but I do know what won’t happen:
Moderator: “Let’s begin with you, Mrs. Clinton. Can you tell us about your immigration policy, please?”
Clinton: “Cough! Cough! Cough!”
Trump: “Here, Hillary, have a lozenge. Campaigning is exhausting, isn’t it? It’s a wonder we’re both not sick all of the time, am I right? Here, have my glass of water, too.”
Clinton: “Why, thank you, Donald. You are such a gentleman.”
Trump: “It’s how I was raised.”
Clinton: “Now, about immigration. Usually I would acknowledge your question but not actually answer it because that’s what my handlers told me do. But I’m not going to do that tonight because I know it frustrates voters, who just want honest, simple answers. So here’s mine: I’m for it. I think immigrants enrich this country and we should do everything possible to help them, while also making sure we do everything possible to weed out the bad apples.”
Trump: “Well said, Hillary. I don’t agree, of course, but I respect your viewpoint.”
Clinton: “Thank you, Donald.”
Trump: “You’re welcome. Now, as you know, I have said many times that I would build a wall between us and Mexico and force Mexico to pay for it. But that’s pure hooey, and everyone knows it. To be honest, I only said it because I knew it would appeal to people who are justifiably angry about what rich guys like me have done to the middle class for the past 25 years and looking for someone to blame. So I’d like to take this opportunity to apologize to them and to everyone else for stoking the fires of fear and hatred instead of proposing actual solutions.”
Clinton: “That’s very big of you, Donald. I admire someone who can own up to their shortcomings.”
Trump: “Thank you, Hillary.”
Moderator: “Mrs. Clinton, you have perceived shortcomings of your own. For instance, how do you answer charges that you are not trustworthy?”
Clinton: “Well, in the past, I wouldn’t answer a question like that and instead would immediately pivot to one of my carefully rehearsed talking points, usually about how my opponent is the devil’s second-in-command.”
Trump: “To be honest, I do that, too, even though I know it annoys everyone and creates an extremely damaging impression that no one in government will ever tell the truth.”
Clinton: “Well put, Donald. So let me just say that I have hidden behind talking points and partial truths for so long now that I can hardly blame people for thinking I’m less than forthright. But that stops today. From here on out, I’m going to be a straight shooter.”
Trump: “And I’m going stop talking trash about anyone who isn’t a white male.”
Clinton: “And I’m finally going to admit I have a pantsuit addiction!”
Trump: “And I’m going to stop bleaching my hair and get a grown-up haircut!”
Moderator: “And I’m going to cut to commercial because clearly we’ve entered an alternate universe.”
Image credit: DonkeyHotey
If only……. I’m going to try to watch it. I don’t know how long I’ll last.
Andrew, I usually try to make points on the topic, rather than just praising you, but this is a brilliant piece of writing. Cheers to you!
Thanks, Tom. Wish it would actually happen. But I think we’re past that stage in American politics.
Orange is the new gray. (Git it?)
Wow, after reading some of your posts about Hilliary and Donald it is refreshing to read a column making comments about the debate (?) tonight.
Of course I do not think that it will be a true debate, just a bunch of hot air, smoke and mirrors from both candidates. i will try to watch as long as I can stand it, before I run out the front door of my house probably screaming “make it stop” or something similar to that.
I post this as an antidote to the Basket of Deplorables
Gawwwwd you are funny!!