Me? I don’t need to make any resolutions. But the rest of you, wooo, boy, let’s just say you should hit this New Year’s resolution thing good and hard because – how do I put this politely? – you’ve got some work to do, as evidenced by your body of work lately.
Fortunately, I’m here to help. Remember Hamburger Helper? I’ve created something like that for you, a starter list of resolutions for those who have transgressed, if 
you will, only instead of ground beef, you need only to add effort. Can you do that for me? Great.
To wit, in 2018 you hereby resolve to:
- Say no to low-rise jeans. Hasn’t this style persecuted America long enough? Unless you weigh 14 pounds, they’re ridiculously uncomfortable (yes, I tried them once – try to get that mental image out of your head) and in all instances they are cases of plumber’s crack waiting to happen. Say no to crack. Crack is whack. This is your butt on drugs. You get the picture.
- Learn to drive in the dad-blasted snow. I swear most of you forget how from one year to the next. After the first snow it’s like you intentionally fling yourselves and your very expensive vehicles into ditches and snowbanks, like it’s fun or something – wheeee, watch me fish-tail and ultimately lose control before crashing! I guess I shouldn’t complain because it does effectively get the worst drivers off the road temporarily. But as a Yooper, I hate to see good sheet metal damaged, so I’m going to impart the secret of safe winter driving given to me by a bearded old Yooper named Skid McFarkle, who used to drive 50 miles to work, uphill, backward, every day in U.P. blizzards, even during the summer, never once sliding into a ditch. He said, “Son, I’m going to tell you how I done it. See, all you got to do is …” And then he keeled over dead, so I never did hear what the secret to winter driving is, but I’m pretty sure it was something like this: “Slow the blank down, you ninnies.” Pretty technical advice, but effective nonetheless. I suggest you follow it.
- I don’t care who or what you vote for, just vote. Most local elections draw 10-20 percent of registered voters, if that, and if you’re not among them you don’t have much justification to complain about the choice the winning side makes, now do you? Same goes for state and national elections. You don’t vote, you don’t gripe. Got it?
- Read a newspaper. I think the single worst thing the Internet did to this country was wipe out newspapers. Back in the day, everybody read the paper and consumed the same news, more or less. And that was a good thing, no matter what Trump says. (Have you noticed tyrants always want you less informed) Today, if people consume any news at all, it’s CNN or Fox, which is news mixed with opinion, not just news. So it’s no wonder we don’t agree on anything. We’re all operating from different sets of facts. So don’t do that. Read. A mind is a terrible thing to waste. Especially yours.
- Make up your ding-dang mind before you get to the drive-thru speaker. This is not difficult, people. Fast food places have basically three things: Burgers, chicken and some variation of fries. Or in the case of Taco Bell, they have basically one thing – tacos – that come in 400 different varieties. So just pick one, wouldja? Some of us are hungry back here.
- Signal. Your. Turns.
If you do just that last one, I’ll be satisfied.
Now go make it a great year. And stop annoying me.
Image credit: david__jones
I miss newspapers. Oh I still read them online, but there is something satisfying about holding and reading a newspaper. I feel the same way about records on vinyl vs. CD’s and digital music. Also, anyone who knows anything about journalism and journalism ethical standards knows that they get stories right much more than the talking heads do.
I can’t wait for the trolls to start responding. I ain’t feeding them though. Lol.
Me, too, Tommy. I still buy the Kalamazoo Gazette on Sunday morning, just to get a paper in my hands. Sadly, it’s mostly ads–and they have gotten rid of all of their good (and local, like Mr. Andrew Heller) columnists, but still….. I can sit at the table with the paper and a cup of coffee and suddenly all is well with the world.
Kathy, I need to do a Facebook ad push in Kzoo. I had a lot of readers there who probably don’t know about the website.
Right on, Tommy B. I know a few outstanding TV reporters (for instance my buddy Ken Kolker at WOOD-TV in GR), but print used to monopolize great reporters.
I remember anticipating the Sunday Flint Journal and my local paper (which I won’t name, because there are some NUTS in here). I now still read the Washington Post, NY Times, and MLive on mobile device apps. Save the Trees, you know? But then I hear some people have to go through some pretty abusive circumstances to retrieve cobalt for our mobile devices. There is a downside to everything apparently.
I rarely turn on CNN, unless there is some breaking news event “happening now”. I still like to catch Nightline once in awhile on ABC.
I miss newspapers of the past. Not worth reading… I still get my small town paper but don’t expect national news. But MLive…it doesn’t matter which you read..it is all the same. I miss the columnists, too. I enjoy your on-line emails/uodates.
I still like to read a book, too rather than on my Kindle.
It warms my heart to say you miss columnists – I do, too. For some reason, papers have gotten rid of the very things that attracted people to them. It’s a weird way to run a business. It’s like running a restaurant without chefs.
I still subscribe to the Flint Journal. I have wanted to but can’t cut the ties. The sad thing is that if you just read Sunday’s edition it’s all the same thing from Tuesday Thursday and Friday. Miss all the columnist too. I guess the most important thing in it is the obituaries. A recent death in the family shocked me when we found out it was over three hundred dollars for a basic obit. If it wasn’t for the adds and obits I think they would be out of business. One local tv station states: As a service to mid Michigan here are your recent obituaries. 100 bucks for their service.
Andy, the taco bell comment is so true. I’ve always said it’s all the same thing, just wrapped different. I cancelled my paper when they got rid of the columnists. It just peeved me off. You may not agree with them all the time but it gave you a different perspective.
I’m with you, Teddy. I love columnists, which is why I do what I do. And cartoonists. Newspapers got rid of just about everything and they wonder why subscriptions dropped.
If someone does not read a newspaper he is uninformed.
If he reads a newspaper he is misinformed. Mark Twain.
People wonder who my writers are. I do not have any writers. I just read the newspaper
and comment on what CONgress has been doing lately. Will Rogers.
The quote from Will Rogers I believe is what he said.
I cannot remember this quote exactly, but it went something like this: When getting intelligence on something going on, distrust 2/3 of it, 1/4 of it might have some truth in it. The rest of it will be unreliable. That is how I view a lot of the news coming from abc, cbs, nbc, cnn and frequently fox news.
In one previous column andy referred to Home Depot doing a stock buyback. Andrew has, along with the rest of the lame stream media, continues to ignore or downplay the companies that are now hiring new employees and giving raises/bonuses to the other employees.
I await that list of trickle down effects, Jim. If it’s true, I’ll be glad. The truth is, companies are sitting on mountains of cash and are neither raising salaries or creating a hiring binge. In fact, there have been some doing massive layoffs. Comcast did it: http://www.newsweek.com/comcast-fired-500-workers-christmas-after-pledging-give-employees-1000-bonuses-771789
ATT did it: https://www.salon.com/2017/12/27/att-sheds-1000-employees-after-touting-gop-tax-plan-giving-out-bonuses/
These people were trickled on. Companies don’t base their hiring decisions based on taxes.
Here is what we should tell Southerners and foreigners about driving in the snow. (I have been thinking about this a lot.):
1. Your brakes will not work well. On snow or ice, if you jam on the brakes, you car probably just will continue sliding forward at 60 mph.
2. Your steering wheel will not work well. If you turn sharply, your car probably just will slide straight ahead, rather than turning.
3. Your gas pedal will not work well. If you gun it, your wheels probably just will spin, and your car even may go backward.
So, slow down, brake gently, turn slightly/gradually, and accelerate gently. Leave plenty of room between you and the car ahead, and between you and the next stop sign. Carve your turns like a skier. Start off like a slow freight train.
I still get the Jackson Citizen Patroit but only 3 times a week. However, it comes every day on my IPad which is good because I can expand it so it is easy for me to read. See how old I am! But, I do miss guys like Andrew and, I don’t know if you knew him, Andy, Brad Flory. Both wrote great columns, liberal or not! PLEASE, MLive, bring them back!
I still read the paper, I also still read books. I like the process of turning the page and knowing that I have completely read the page. I do read the online versions of the newspaper when it is not delivered but I do miss the columnists like you and Brad Flory. I still do not understand why the newspaper did away with them. They provided a much needed laugh at ourselves and life in general. And they had an uncanny knack of hitting certain situations right on the head. Like using your turn signal when you are driving.