I had a rare victory in my lifelong battle with things the other day.
The belt for the self-propel on the mower broke and I decided to replace it.
“Oh god, here we go again,” the lovely yet formidable Marcia groaned. “I’ll get the first aid kit.”
She’s funny, that one.
It’s true I don’t have the greatest track record with fixing things.
There was the time I was trying to install a garbage disposal and it fell on my forehead. I also forgot to knock out some plastic plug that the manual said was a “crucial” step that should never, ever be forgotten.
The plumber and the emergency home water damage response team thought that was funny.
There was the time I tried installing a floor in one of the bedrooms. That went well. Personally, I think flooring that goes all the way to the other wall is overrated.
Then there was the time I tried to install a new door at my mom’s house, or as it’s known in family lore “CussFest 2008.” Apparently I set some kind of world record for the longest string of profanity ever produced by a single human in a single setting, although I didn’t get a plaque or anything.
In my defense, no one told me that doors have to fit the space allotted for them, and if you get one that’s a fraction too big you should get a smaller one instead of taking a chisel to the door frame.
Apparently that set some kind of “bad precedent” with my mom. When I visit now and mention fixing something, she leaps from her chair and cries, “Noooo!”
She’s pretty spry for 83.
But back to the mower. When the belt broke, Marcia said, “Don’t even think about it. I don’t want to be a widow at my age. Besides, I’m too old to break in your replacement.”
Have I mentioned how funny she is?
So of course I ignored her advice and went straight to the lawn equipment parts store. Parts stores and hardware stores love me for some reason.
“Gonna try it again?” said the owner. “Good for you, son. Get right back up on that horse.”
I assume he was referring to the “Incident of 2015” when I started a small brush fire in my backyard while fixing the gas-powered weed whip. The firefighters were good natured about it.
I decided to be smarter this time and watch an online video about how to replace a mower belt. “Easy-peasy,” I said after watching a guy change one in less than three minutes.
Someone should really investigate those videos. They lie. A lot.
But in the end, I did it. I fixed the mower. It took me the better part of two days and a half dozen or so trips (I lost count) to the parts store (for parts I didn’t have and to replace parts I busted) and the hardware store (for tools I don’t own to install and/or break things) but the stupid thing works.
I even showed it off to, Marcia.
“That’s great, but what’s that there?” she said pointing.
Um, that would be an extra part, dammit.
Image credit: Tellessa Myles
Best. Columnist. Ever.
Too funny!!!
My dad didn’t know one end of a screwdriver from the other, I build Chevy/GMC trucks. I’ve adjusted my DIYS attitude over the years, it didn’t take a garbage disposal falling on my head either. Contrary to popular belief us ignorant and lazy autoworkers are neither ignorant or lazy.
Let’s use the garbage disposal unit as example #1 and the hot water heater as example #2. One of my best friends is a plumber, it took him about a half hour each to replace them with my help but how long would it have taken me? Let’s move on to example #3 changing my oil. How long does it take if I factor in purchasing the oil & filter? It’s simple math, I can work an hour overtime and pay for two oil changes. I just saved half an hour and they threw in the oil/filter and labor.
There’s always spare parts. That just means you designed it better. Should have been an engineer.
Andrew, it turns out you are a wienie. American men need to to know how to fix things, even to build things. Especially Michigan guys. Are you an effete prep school guy? What the heck kinds of jobs did you have when you were younger? Did you learn anything?
I like you as a writer, but this business where you cannot do anything with your hands is pitiful. Not yuk-yuk funny, not anything to brag about.
Tom. I get your point but I don’t consider Andy effete, mechanically challenged yeah but admitting it is quite manly in my opinion.
I am astounded to find that this silly topic breaks important. Andy, you believe it is cute that you cannot fix stuff. Andy, millions of us guys have to fix stuff. Fixing stuff is a major indication of worth-while-ness for American men.
You are not cute. You are incompetent. You can write and opine. So can Mr. Trump. Fix my stuff instead.
Oh I fix lots of stuff. Most of it is just a little off when I’m done, though.
Andy, the door made me almost spit chunks. I factory ordered a front door and it didn’t fit, I made it fit. I’m an Army veteran shop worker and my older sister was a Marine for 15 years. I defy you to let out a string of curses better than me. I bet I know some in languages don’t
I’m sure you can whip me on epithets, Loren. Nothing teaches you profanity like the military
Hey Andrew, my dad was Navy and older sister was a Marine before I enlisted in the Army so I had a head start. Mom was no slouch at cursing either. All of us could read at an adult level by age seven so you can’t blame it on a lack of vocabulary, we like to use the euphemism, ‘colorful language’.
Mr Heller, I have been there and done the things you describe. It is all part of the learning curve.
You are too darn funny and I think you may have a twin— my husband!
My best friend Wally says, “A man without confidence is not a man”.
It should go without saying that the confidence is often miss founded.
This made me laugh out loud. My neighbor’s probably think I am nuts. The stories made me think about the good old days living with my parents.