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Come Heller high water … the zombie toilet paper apocalypse edition

March 16, 2020 by Andrew Heller 19 Comments

Come Heller high water …

  • Remember in 2016 when you said “Don’t worry, he’ll grow into the job” and “Hey, he led a business, he can lead the United States”? And then, later, when you said, “The economy is doing great and the stock market is all him!” and “Yeehaw, look at my 401K! MAGA!”? Remember that? I sure hope you do. Leadership sometimes doesn’t matter much in good times, but it sure does, well, now.
  • Get mad all you want. It’s true. He’s a disaster in charge of leading us out of a disaster and he is doing a disastrous job of it.
  • I will go to my grave wondering why people are hoarding toilet paper. That makes as much sense as hoarding Twinkies. In fact, it makes less sense than hoarding Twinkies. Twinkies at least make being stuck inside for 8 to a zillion weeks more tolerable.
  • A news story said people are buying more guns, too. For what? To shoot the zombies who are coming to steal your TP and Twinkies? (Zombies, by the way, were once people. People with guns. Who says they won’t shoot back?)
  • Seriously, why don’t we consider hoarding – TP, food, water, whatever – greedy, anti-social behavior? “Hey, I got mine.” Yeah, well, good for you. What if other people actually need stuff? Not exactly America’s proudest moment.
  • Why aren’t more tests available? A New York Times piece says the short answer is “a lack of preparation and poor execution by the federal government. The initial tests developed by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention had a technical problem — and federal officials were then too slow to find alternatives. After problems arose with the C.D.C.’s test, officials could have switched to using successful tests that other countries were already using. But the officials refused to do so, essentially because it would have required changing bureaucratic procedures. The federal government could also have eased regulations on American hospitals and laboratories, to allow them to create and manufacture their own tests. But federal officials did not do so for weeks (and a) promising test that was blocked by ‘existing regulations and red tape’ while other countries ramped up much earlier and faster.”
  • I am now in the habit of washing my hands or spritzing my fingers with germ-bust every time I touch anything, meaning I’m now down to two layers of skin left. “Skeleton Hands Andy” is about two days away, I fear.
  • I’ve had worse nicknames, by the way.
  • If I’m really stuck inside for 10 weeks, I’m going to read “Don Quixote,” “War & Peace” and “Anna Karenina,” which I’ve somehow missed or avoided reading all these years. Or I’ll find some streaming service that has “Hogan’s Heroes” reruns. What can I say, I can’t get enough of that wacky Sgt. Schultz.
  • No, seriously, I really can’t. I love that show. It’s dumb, bizarre fun. Nothing says comedic hijinks like a WWII German prisoner of war camp.
  • My sister had a good point recently on her Facebook page. (You will likely never read those words again, by the way.) She said restaurants, which do so much to support local events and charities, could now use you and me to step up and buy some take-out food now that they’re all closed for inside dining.
  • “In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.” – Albert Camus.

Filed Under: Come Heller high water, Humor

Comments

  1. Jims says

    March 16, 2020 at 8:19 pm

    I like Hee Haw myself. Sunday nights at 8 on RFD channel. I laugh at the toupees and the Hee Haw all jug band which by the way consists of all women. Would that even be allowed on TV in this day and age?

    Reply
  2. Rick says

    March 16, 2020 at 8:41 pm

    Wait. “Jug band”? “All women”? Did I miss that joke all these years?

    Reply
  3. Rick says

    March 16, 2020 at 8:43 pm

    Wait. “Jug band”? “All women”? Did I miss that joke all these years?

    Reply
  4. Dairlis Rigg says

    March 16, 2020 at 10:00 pm

    *No, No. I do not remember saying ANY of those things!
    *Streaming channels have lots of good stuff on… Still looking for my next favorite book…
    *I’ve seen some interesting psychological reasons for the hoarding the TP thing.

    Reply
  5. Matthew says

    March 16, 2020 at 11:50 pm

    This came on us fast. But, have you seen the TV shots of health officials and politicians all standing shoulder-to-shoulder, just to get into the TV shots? Still happening today. Idiots. Good luck, all. Hunker down and think of fun jokes. This probably will take months.

    Love and Luck to all!

    Reply
  6. Shelly says

    March 17, 2020 at 12:09 am

    I agree with your sister, I am supporting restaurants by getting take out. Some locally owned are just too precious to lose. We need to support each other and quit the hoarding. As usual you are right on the mark.

    Reply
  7. NativeOfMichigan says

    March 17, 2020 at 12:17 am

    History remembers:

    Franklin D. Roosevelt (a great leader)
    ” … the only thing we have to fear is fear itself”

    Donald J. Trump (the scum of the earth)
    “I take no responsibility”

    Reply
  8. jbcsfl says

    March 17, 2020 at 7:04 am

    I went grocery shopping for our usual weekly needs, what I encountered was like something out of a science fiction movie.
    The parking lot was full.
    The shopping carts were overflowing as customers exited the store.
    Customers pushed and shoved up and down the aisles that were stripped nearly bare.
    I did not dare venture near the toilet paper and paper towel aisle.
    I picked up my list, and I was lucky to get what we needed, and escaped the fray.

    Reply
  9. R. A. V. says

    March 17, 2020 at 7:36 am

    WOW!! A big “DITTO” to all points made, especially regarding leadership coming from the White House or, actually, absolutely none. OMG this guy is a joke!! In the meantime, lets’ all stay strong…this too shall pass! May we all think about how to help each other.

    Reply
    • Andrew Heller says

      March 17, 2020 at 7:13 pm

      There’s something coming from the WH but it sure ain’t leadership

      Reply
  10. Mark says

    March 17, 2020 at 9:17 am

    Andrew, as one of the smartest people in America, actually #2 behind you, my research has come up with the reason why we the people are hoarding TP, it started in Hong Kong when the citizens thought that China would be restricting their Charmin so they started mass buying of TP causing a run on it, (pun intended) Americans, seeing the sell out on TV got alarmed and started to hoard it, no reason too but as I always say,”Never underestimate the stupidity of the American people”. Sadly, it is really true today

    Reply
  11. Brenda B says

    March 17, 2020 at 9:54 am

    the annoying factor as to why our government is slow about the test kits is they did not, until recently, allow intervention by private scientist groups. Some moron within the FDA and the CDC believe only “our scientists” can develop kits from innovative and creative minds. Unlike Germany, who welcomed help from private industry. Hopefully America will wise up!

    Reply
    • Andrew Heller says

      March 17, 2020 at 7:11 pm

      Check this one out: https://www.washingtonpost.com/world/europe/germany-coronavirus-curevac-vaccine-trump-rights/2020/03/15/8d684c68-6702-11ea-b199-3a9799c54512_story.html

      Reply
  12. sharon says

    March 17, 2020 at 6:22 pm

    thank you as always!- you are a voice of reason. one scientist on tv- said the US is “provincial”- that there is a test made in Germany that was accurate but our country was not using it-we apparently we wanted to develop “our” own- how stupid!! we are behind the eight-ball again.Please everyone stay healthy- support local business- take out as much as you can!!

    Reply
    • Andrew Heller says

      March 17, 2020 at 7:09 pm

      Thank you, Sharon, but I’m seldom accused of being reasonable much less a voice of reason. I’m more just kinda cranky. But I’ll take it. Thanks!

      Reply
  13. Lynne says

    March 17, 2020 at 9:56 pm

    Sooo good to still laugh with & at you in this bizzare, scary time. And oddly enough, Anna Karenina is on my nightstand as my next read! Stay well, you and yours.

    Reply
  14. Matthew says

    March 21, 2020 at 12:36 am

    Please notice that Trump and the Republicans are going “Socialist” now, with their bail-out payments and subsidies and so on. Ironic, but necessary, but will they ever admit it? What would Herbert Hoover do? What did King Henry do when The Plague hit? Probably a hundred years to recover from this. Kiss your grandchildren.

    Reply
  15. Matthew says

    March 21, 2020 at 12:58 am

    And… Smart people have a huge advantage over dopuses in this toilet paper shortage: If toilet paper goes away, we fancy literate folks can start ripping pages out of our books, to wipe ourselves. We probably could start with our least favorite chapters of our least favorite books, and then move on, if necessary, to more favored passages.

    We can do this because we own books. Dopier people (Republicans and ilk) do not have very many books. Maybe, mostly, the only books they actually have in their homes are Bibles. Oy.

    Reply
  16. NativeOfMichigan says

    March 21, 2020 at 3:42 pm

    Back in the day, many people repurposed Sears catalogs, the paper kind.

    Reply

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