Come Heller high water … the March sucks edition

Come Heller high water …

• We have entered March, the worst, most dispiriting month of the year. It’s a fake, a trickster, a sham, a liar, a temptress and a tease. It’s supposed to come in like a lion and go out like a lamb but it never does. Not in Michigan. Whoever wrote that line must have lived elsewhere, Florida probably. In Michigan, March comes in like a lion, goes out like a lion and in between is a lyin’ son-of-a-slushball. Its tactics are obvious. There’s always that one day that makes you think the long winter is maybe on its way out. Yay! And then the next day, you’re shoveling a foot of snow in 40 mph winds. Happens every time. And yet every year, we fall for it. March is Lucy holding the football, and we, my friends, are Charlie Brown, going splat when she yanks it away. When are we going to learn? Do not trust March again this year, people. Do the sensible thing – hunch your shoulders, gird your loins (why that’s an expression, I don’t know – don’t ask questions, just do it), grit your teeth and laugh in March’s face. “Not this year, buddy boy. This time we shall not be fooled.” Unless, of course, the thermometer hits 50.
• Billionaire Tom Steyer and Mayor Pete Buttigieg have dropped out the Democratic primary. About damned time. Only 1,418 more candidates to go. I know you youngsters don’t realize this, but in the past we’d be down to two people by now, three tops. Picking a Democrat these days has become like picking cereal at the grocery store – all the choices stress you out so finally just grab something and get the heck out of there. This is no way to run an election. As usual, Democrats are their own worst enemy. Just pick one and be done with it already.
• No, I don’t feel the Bern, but I am getting annoyed at the ridiculous twisting of his views. Universal health care won’t make this a socialist nation. Does Social Security? Does Medicare? Do public roads? Sewers? Public parks? Of course not. Collectively paying for good things that would otherwise be too costly for individuals to pay on their own makes perfect sense, does it not? Thirty-two of the world’s 33 most developed countries have universal health care. Are they stupid? Do they suffer and die more often than we do? No. By the way, guess which country is the 33rd? That doesn’t make us better. It makes us stupid.
• Mike Pence is now in charge of the nation’s coronavirus response. I don’t want to say I have no faith in him but I will say that I’m investing my life savings in Purell stock. A ball of energy, that man isn’t. Let us pray.
• I should be named Coronavirus Czar. My plan would be simple. If you sniffle, you will be quarantined. If you cough, you will be quarantined in Alaska. (Lot of room in Alaska.) And if you don’t cough into your sleeve then, I’m sorry, but you’ll have to be tarred and feathered.
• A survey said 38 percent of Americans wouldn’t drink Corona beer because of the coronavirus outbreak. I’m guessing these are the same people who wouldn’t eat French fries when France refused to invade Iraq with us. I suspect these are also the same people who elected Trump.
• By the way, why don’t we get Election Day off – every Election Day?
• Chris Ilitch, owner of the Tigers, said last week that the fire to win burns inside him. Yeah, well, it must not be burning very hard because we are in Year 5 of the rebuild, a process that many teams manage to complete within two years. Try getting some players who know how to swing that wood stick thing.
• “The first responsibility of a leader is to define reality. The last is to say thank you. In between, the leader is a servant.” —Max DePree