Come Heller high water …
- We’re less than a month from picking a new president. Thank goodness. This election is exhausting. I don’t know about you but I’m ready to move on from who’s going to ruin the country to how they’re going to ruin it. The suspense is killing me.
Trump this week said he feels he’s been “unshackled” by the Republican Party and can now campaign the way he’s wanted to all along. Wait. You mean he’s been holding back? Really? Holy frijoles, hide the kids! Or as former Lt. Gov. John Cherry wrote on his Facebook page this week: “My granddaughter has walked into the room so I better turn off the political news.”- Trump said his comments about women were just lockerroom banter. Uh, no it wasn’t. I’ve been in plenty of lockerrooms. Guys can be crude, yes, but not like that. The vast majority of guys I know – teens or adults – protect women and wouldn’t stand for nonsense like that.
- This could be the death of gyms, to be honest. “Honey, I’m going to work out.” “Oh no you AREN’T, Mr. Grabby Hands. I know what you guys talk about in there.”
- And poor Tic Tacs. They didn’t deserve to be dragged into this. Let me just say on the behalf of Tic Tacs that they are not the official mint of creepy guys trying to cram their tongues down the throats of unsuspecting women. I’ll bet the people over at Altoids are going “Whew, there but for the grace of God …”
- The only way to survive this election is to laugh, I figure. If you haven’t already, watch these links of Trump and Hillary serenading one another on EllenTube and Jimmy Kimmel’s slowed down versions of the candidates’ stump speeches.
- I’m becoming a big fan of the weird signs people hold up behind anchor desks at political events. My current fave (spotted last week) was “Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer.” He is? You’d think the Republicans would have vetted him for that before he got in the presidential primary.
- McDonald’s is curtailing Ronald McDonald’s appearances until the creepy clown furor downs down. I hope it never does. I’m a clownophobe, and always have been. There’s nothing creepier to me. Why you would make one your company spokesman is beyond me.
- Since we’re on the subject, hey, McDonald’s, how come the Big Mac in the commercial is twice as big as the smushed-down version I get at the drive-thru? I’ve always wanted to know. Do they pump the one on TV full of air or something?
- President Obama says he wants to see man on Mars by 2030. Apparently he missed the document “The Martian.” Hello, we’re already there. Sheesh.
- Bill Clinton looks terrible. And I don’t mean terrible for a man his age, I mean is-this-guy-going-to-make-it terrible.
- Official notification from the Detroit Lions to fans: “Last week’s victory was an aberration. We apologize for temporarily getting your hopes up. We will return to normal behavior this week, sure as rain. Thank you.”
- “Democracy is being allowed to vote for the candidate you dislike least.” – Robert Byrne.
Just another column to prove you are the Best. Columnist. Ever. Not just trying to butter you up. I have been following your columns for a LONG time. You have informed me, made me laugh, made me cry. Sometimes, when I am having a bad day, you remind me me of how trivial my problems are compared to what is going around me. Keep up the great work. I truly enjoy reading your columns and comments.
Thanks, Sharon. That makes my day. I wish I were still in all the MLive papers, but hey the website has been fun. Please share with your friends and ask them to check it out and subscribe!!
I already voted on an absentee ballot. Turned it in yesterday. Wahoooo! I’m done with this election. Freedom!!!!!!
I should do that
Andy, There’s no substance left to the Flint Journal paper version plus it’s only 4 days a week. I still have it delivered.
The Saginaw News is the same way. Oh, for the days of a decent, substantive newspaper.!
I know. I hear that all the time. It’s sad. We need newspapers. They make us smarter.
Totally agree with you about clowns. Hate, hate, hate them! About those smushed sandwiches… the ones in the commercial are staged. Just like people put on makeup, those sandwiches are prettied up for pictures including gluing the sesame seeds on one by one. Bill Clinton looks awful ever since he adopted the vegan diet to lose weight for Chelsea’s wedding. No color, gaunt looking.
He needs a good steak to revive his scrawny body!
It isn’t his vegan diet that makes him look frail, for crying out loud. Why is it when anyone eats a healthy diet in this country someone has to give them a shot? He looks rough because he is an older guy who is eleven years out from having had multiple bypass surgery. That’s what they look like. He is a Rhodes Scholar who decided to follow the diet his surgeons told him would be most likely to extend his life. He has already lasted longer than most bypass people do because of his diet. I, for one, am glad he chose to listen rather than continuing to eat fried chicken and steaks. He’s been tons of fun during the campaign…almost as much as Joe Biden.
Excellent column as usual. I agree on Bill Clinton. He looks horrible. Thank you for the quote by Robert Byrne. It is spot on.
Oh Andew, you know I have always loved your columns. You and Dave Barry tell it like it is and with my kind of humor. Every point you made, every statement is what I have been thinking.
Anyone who can’t see the truth and humor that you so cleverly weave into your articles must be some clown loving kook out to swat butterflies and remove M&M candies from grocery shelves.
All that remains good in life. Thank you so much for excercising your brain.
I’ve always said people who don’t agree with me are clinically insane. And yet Marcia always says, “Am not!”
Mr. Clinton stands there, sort of bent over from the shoulders, with his top teeth hanging down. Looking about a thousand years old. I have noticed. Interesting that you point it out.
Concerning Trumps’ “locker room comments” .
I think that the politicians that have “distanced” themselves from Donald Trump are a bunch of hypocrites. An honest look at politicians over the years would reveal that most of them have a call girl/girlfriend on the side.
I mean that covers both political parties.
Neither party has a lock on chasity.
LBJ was asked once by a female reporter what defined power in Congress and the White House.
LBJ unzipped his pants and exposed himself to the female reporter and basically said that what was between the legs was a basis for power.
I will also be glad when this election is over and we start to learn how whoever is elected is going to really run this country into the ground.
The truth to that LBJ story is that when a Democrat does it, it’s just fine. No sexual crime here, just no problem!
Yes, this election is an odd one. You have your choice of a woman who has committed enough crimes to be put away for a long time, and a guy who has a multi-faceted past. The difference is that she is getting away with it and has the DOJ, the White House, and the media all wrapped up to protect her.
Disgusting!
I have no idea what locker room talk or behavior is, locker rooms are smelly places I always spent as little time as possible in. Creepy clowns don’t bother me, I kind of wish one would try. I’d reach in my pocket and don my clown nose, rip off his mask and say, “”Who’s the clown now punk!”
Same way with the Saginaw News. Oh, for the good old days when we had substance in our newspapers, and journalists who knew how to do something to do besides run “contests” for where the “best hamburger”of “best taco” can be found.
Couldn’t agree more, Gene, and I worked in the feature section (where best taco stories were a staple) for 25 years. I love news, though, and miss it terribly.
Don, Don, the shameless con,
Where did your conscience go,
It flew away many years ago,
Along with the rest of his soul.