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The Trump Guide to Life & Success

February 21, 2016 by Andrew Heller 14 Comments

“So I got a new personal philosophy,” my back home Yooper pal Moon Dimple said, apropos of nothing.

cropped-Andrew_Heller_Best_Columnist_Ever_1024.jpg“I didn’t know you had an old one,” I said. “In fact, I always thought of you as kind of a one-man philosophy-free zone.”

“Well, think again, smart guy. Behind all this flannel, I happen to be a lot deeper than you think.”

“Of course you are. You’re a veritable ocean of depth. You’re Plato, Socrates and Thoreau all rolled into one.”

He harrumphed and said, “So you wanna hear it or not?”

“Sure, go ahead.”

“I have decided to follow the ‘Donald J. Trump Guide to Life & Success.’”

“There is such a thing?”

“No, but there should be. I figured it out by studying him during the campaign.”

“It? What it?”

“The secret of his success, you big dummy. By carefully analyzing our next president of the United States, I have …”

“Hold on – you think that babbling buffoon is actually going to win?”

“I sure do. This man’s so great – so phenomenally, totally awesome – that by the time he completes his second term we’ll vote unanimously to change the Constitution so he can be president for life. We’ll hire a team of sculptors to put his face on all the heads on Mt. Rushmore and the Statue of Liberty, although to be honest, he kinda looks like her already. That’s how great this guy is.”

“You’ve lost your marbles,” I said.

“No, I haven’t, you haven’t been paying attention. But I have. And like I said, by analyzing the guy, I’ve come to realize that his personal philosophy – or style if you want to call it that – is why he’s winning, why he’ll make such a great president and why I plan to emulate him”

“And that philosophy is?”

“I’m great and you’re stupid if you don’t agree.”

“You gonna tell me or not?”

“I just did. That’s it: He’s great and you’re stupid if you don’t agree.”

“That’s it – that’s the whole secret to his success?”

“Yup.”

“But that’s just stupid.”

“Ah, but you only think it’s stupid because YOU’RE stupid. And if you were great like him you’d realize that.”

“But that’s just nonsense.”

“Maybe, maybe not. But it doesn’t matter if you think it’s nonsense because he doesn’t think it’s nonsense. And if he doesn’t think it’s nonsense, eventually everyone else will come to think it’s not nonsense – even though it clearly is – just by sheer repetition, and that’ll be great. Because he’s great. You follow?”

“Of course not! This is ridiculous.”

“Then you’re stupid. Case closed.”

“Wait … no, it’s not. A guy can’t get his way just by saying he’s great and everyone else is stupid if they don’t agree with him.”

“The polls say differently, my friend.”

I hate it when he has a point.

Filed Under: National politics

Comments

  1. James says

    February 21, 2016 at 11:16 am

    That old saying, Nature Abhors a Vacuum. “Aristotie” If we do not care, or be carefull, he may fill the space.

    Reply
  2. Marie Campbell says

    February 21, 2016 at 1:34 pm

    I think Moon Dimple nailed it. :v :V

    Reply
    • andrewhellercolumn@gmail.com says

      February 21, 2016 at 6:01 pm

      He usually does.

      Reply
  3. Sue says

    February 21, 2016 at 2:40 pm

    Oh, for gosh sakes, it’s the modern version of the Emperor’s New Clothes! I didn’t realize it until I read this piece. I haven’t thought of that fable in years. If you don’t know that story, Google it and see what you think.

    Reply
    • andrewhellercolumn@gmail.com says

      February 21, 2016 at 6:00 pm

      I agree. The guy has no views, no heart and yet he keeps winning.

      Reply
  4. Linda H says

    February 21, 2016 at 4:25 pm

    The Emporer’s New Clothes.

    Reply
    • Jean says

      February 22, 2016 at 12:18 pm

      You have hit the nail on the head. Perhaps it will take a child to reveal the obvious – Donald is only right because right now many people are telling him he’s right.

      Reply
  5. Marylou Tucker says

    February 21, 2016 at 4:30 pm

    I take it, you don’t really care all that much for Trump.

    Reply
  6. Stev Lewis says

    February 21, 2016 at 8:32 pm

    You can’t argue with Moon Dimple.

    Reply
    • andrewhellercolumn@gmail.com says

      February 22, 2016 at 12:05 pm

      It’s not wise, no.

      Reply
  7. Tres says

    February 22, 2016 at 10:05 am

    It’s standard political policy – ” I am ( fill in the blank) or the “I did/did not ( fill in the blank) said over and over until they believe it , so therefore we are expected to believe. Donald isn’t the only using this method- he’s just louder and more obnoxious about it.

    Reply
    • andrewhellercolumn@gmail.com says

      February 22, 2016 at 12:04 pm

      True, but he’s notably policy-free

      Reply
  8. BDN says

    February 23, 2016 at 11:59 am

    Moon Dimple is my neighbor!!!

    Reply
    • andrewhellercolumn@gmail.com says

      February 23, 2016 at 2:08 pm

      Not too far away for sure

      Reply

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