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When turkeys (and freezers and …) attack

August 12, 2018 by Andrew Heller 10 Comments

People who have read my column for a long time often ask me if I make up the stories I tell about my family, especially the lovely yet formidable Marcia.

For instance, I once wrote about the day she phoned me at work and said, frantically, “Hehp eee!”

“What’d you say?” I replied.

“HEHP EEE!”

“I’m sorry, one more time, please.”

“Eye ung is ozen! Hehp eee, ooo ehiet!” Which I eventually figured out meant “My tongue is frozen, help me, you idiot.”

What happened is she was defrosting the freezer in our apartment (this was before frost-free freezers) by jabbing at the ice with a knife. At some point, she punctured a tube holding refrigerant, which squirted out and hit her square in the mouth, which was apparently open at the time. (I speculate she was saying “Ohmygod!” at the time when the stuff nailed her mid-god.)

So, yes, the things I write about her are real. There are some people in this world to whom odd things simply happen more often than to others. Marcia is one of those souls.

For instance, have you ever been attacked by a turkey?

She has. It happened several weeks ago. She was walking Tonka, our rather crazy-looking Terrier mix, along a path in the woods near our home. In one hand she held his leash, in the other she had a few woodpecker feathers she had found on the ground. I was home “watching” a ballgame, which means I was napping with a Tigers game on, when the phone rang.

“(unintelligible) turkey!” she said, out of breath and frantic.  “Come help (unintelligible)!  … Tonka (unintelligible)… attack (unintelligible) … chase … ankle!”

Which I took to mean that Tonka had taken off after a turkey. So I grabbed a broom – in case I had to separate them – and took off running. When I arrived, Marcia was staggering out of the woods, bleeding, limping and with one hand clutching feathers.

“My god,” I said, “you fought the turkey?”

But no, that’s not what happened. She had startled a large Tom on the path, but instead of fleeing, it headed straight for her. Marcia – still holding the dog’s leash – tried backing away slowly, which seemed to only irritate the bird more. He fanned his feathers and kept on coming, at which point Marcia, sensibly enough, turned to run. But in doing so she caught the heel of her flip-flop on the ground, tumbled over, hurt her ankle and cut up her toe. Worse, she was now helpless and prone before an advancing Thanksgiving dinner of doom. Death by pecking seemed imminent.

As she related all this, I said, “Why didn’t you let go of Tonka? He’d have defended you.”

To which she said, “I didn’t want him to get hurt!”

As it happens, Tonka – who was going nuts – did, in the end, slip his collar and chase off the turkey, so he was the hero of the day, earning him numerous treats and much admiration.

Marcia ended up with a nasty sprain and a pair of crutches.

I, of course, ended up with another story to tell.

 

Image credit: David Reece

Filed Under: All Columns, Humor Tagged With: Andrew Heller, andrewheller.com, the lovely yet formidable Marcia

Comments

  1. Tina says

    August 12, 2018 at 8:47 am

    😯 Oh my goodness! I’m glad she & Tonka are okay! What a sight that must have been!

    Reply
    • Andrew Heller says

      August 12, 2018 at 3:14 pm

      It’s funny in retrospect, but she was shaken up. She’s used to eating turkeys, not fighting them.

      Reply
  2. Fred says

    August 12, 2018 at 9:41 am

    That is interesting. While turkey hunting, we have to be invisible and silent, because the slightest thing out of place will scare it off, but she was attacked by one on steroids.

    I used to wonder if Moon Dimple is real, or an alter-ego you conjured. You stopped mentioning him a long time ago.

    Reply
    • Andrew Heller says

      August 12, 2018 at 3:14 pm

      Oh, he’s real. He’s my brother Bruce. I have to bring him back.

      Reply
      • Jims says

        August 12, 2018 at 4:16 pm

        What’s behind the name moon dimple? Got to be a good story there!

        Reply
        • Andrew Heller says

          August 12, 2018 at 6:46 pm

          We used to moon each other – five brothers total. And he has a dimple on his ass.

          Reply
          • Jims says

            August 12, 2018 at 7:53 pm

            I knew it had to be good. Hilarious. Nothing like brotherly love!!

      • Fred says

        August 12, 2018 at 8:27 pm

        That would be awesome. Maybe create a Moon Dimple category.

        Reply
  3. Susan Hughes says

    August 12, 2018 at 1:34 pm

    Funny for us, but not so funny for TLYF Marcia!

    Reply
    • Andrew Heller says

      August 12, 2018 at 3:15 pm

      She’s fine. But it was a weird experience for sure.

      Reply

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Andrew Heller has been an enduringly popular newspaper columnist in Michigan for a long, long, long time. He wrote his first column for the Escanaba Daily Press way back in 1979. It was about his … Continue Reading

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