It has long been my contention that farmers and chefs are in cahoots to get us to eat things that are not normally considered food.
Brussels sprouts spring to mind first.
I had the misfortune to confront a platter of these abominations the other day at a fancier restaurant (meaning one with cloth napkins and no photos on the menu) when the lovely yet formidable Marcia ordered them as an appetizer.
When they arrived, there was nothing appetizing about them. They looked and smelled like blackened alien cocoon pods. So I said, “They look like blackened alien cocoon pods.”
I’ve always been pretty literal.
Marcia was not amused.
“Stop, they’re caramelized brussels sprouts with bacon,” she said. “Try it, you’ll like it.”
Right. My mom used to say that when I was a kid. She lied every time. It didn’t take me long to understand that what she meant was, “Try it or no dessert and an early bedtime for you, young man.”
I’m not a child anymore, of course. So I manned up and tried one anyway. It was a mistake. It tasted like a blackened alien cocoon pod, only bacon-y. So I said, “It tasted like a blackened alien cocoon pod. Only bacon-y.”
To which Marcia frowned and rolled her eyes — someday I swear they’re gonna stick that way.
My point here is that almost no one throughout all of human history has liked brussels sprouts, not even the people of Brussels. That’s why they ship them here.
So why are they suddenly on every restaurant menu?
I think it’s because chefs are ambitious. They figure, “Anyone can make a filet mignon taste good. But it takes a true genius to make something edible out of brussels sprouts. If I can do that I will become world-renowned and get my own show on the cooking channel.”
So that’s what happened. An entrepreneurial chef tried a hundred different ways to cook brussels sprouts but nothing was working because, after all, a sprout is still a sprout.
So finally he or she cooked it with bacon, which usually fixes anything. Then they got their own TV show. After seeing the show, restaurants added them to menus. Then customers ordered them thinking, “I’ve always hated these things, but hey, that chef is on the cooking channel, so they must know what they’re talking about.”
There’s no doubt people hated them anyway. But no one likes to admit they don’t like something (unless they have a newspaper column) for fear others will find them unsophisticated. So they kept their mouths shut.
And voila, a food trend was born.
Farmers love it when something becomes trendy, especially something like brussels sprouts because finally they can get rid of their existing supply, which has been piling up in the barn. (Alien pods never go bad.)
Eventually, demand becomes so great that they have to plant more brussels sprouts, which amazes them because they know what brussels sprouts taste like and they can’t believe they’re making money off of alien cocoon pods.
Of course, no trend lasts, which is why a new one has to replace it. Which is why, I figure, kale – vile, bitter kale – is now a thing.
I may never go out to eat again.
Image credit: Keenan Loo on Unsplash
Brussel sprouts tend to have another effect on middle aged men such that our spouses should have no problem with our avoiding this particular vegetable.
Brussel sprouts eaten + 6 hours = bad times for those around us
It is out of courtesy for others that we avoid Brussel sprouts.
I like them. Roasted. Steamed with vinegar. You can habe all my peas.
I have discovered the reason for the existence of Brussels sprouts, rutabaga, kale and other disgusting excuses for food- it gives me something to “give up” for lent. And yes, I include rutabaga in this list. I (perhaps blasphemously), order my pasties WITHOUT rutabaga and WITH gravy.
Ha!
Hmmm, never thought of that. Could be.
I prefer cooking my own food. There’s only one good restaurant in town and the way they price their menu you’d think you were at a Capitol Grille.
I think of brussel sprouts as tiny heads of cabbage, and that’s only good boiled & salted with ground beef & rice as a filling.
I used to have a boss who liked to cook, but was terrible at it. I’d take what she gave me, so not to be rude, and throw it out. And that’s what I’d do with brussel sprouts. Why ruin perfectly good bacon?
I hated them until I cooked them myself. Olive oil and lots of salt and pepper. Broiled or on the grill. Edible but not something I eat often. Something I won’t eat is kohlrabi, radishes,beets. They all taste like dirt to me.
We were taught in survival school, “The difference between what you won’t eat, and what you will eat is about 24 hours.” How ever, I believe that when it comes to brussels sprouts and starvation–the later may be the best choice.
Ha!
1. Brussel sprouts are yummy.
2. John Paul Stevens makes a good point, about Shakespeare authorship, too.
Beloved Commentator Andrew Heller: Many of us like your insights on topics such as human rights and Republican hypocrisy. But, you personally appear to be an American 1950s caveman throwback, based on your cliche food preferences and your self-admitted love of plain black socks.
Learning to like Brussels Sprouts is a coming-of-age thing for American males. Please start growing up. At the very least, I will embrace Brussels Sprouts, because Trump hates them. Trump gets to act as a six-year-old boy. We need to grow up.
Hey Tom-munist, you’ll embrace something simply because your president won’t, yet tell others to ‘grow up’? I’ll concede that Beret Boy is usually a whining, sniveling hypocrite, but you’re right down in the same pig trough.
Hey BrAdolf,
I noticed right wingers tend to take everything literally. My theory is their lack of compassion and overall hatred for everything that is a little different than themselves has rendered them void of sense of humor.
Fop freddie, try keeping your racist rants under the six you demanded of another poster in a previous thread. To nobody’s surprise, you couldn’t limit yourself to six in that particular column. We call that hypocrisy…….LITERALLY!
Nice word salad, but it won’t work. You know what you are, and so do we.
I love brussels sprouts.
I just buy them fresh from the produce at the market, wash them, and then put them in the steamer.
When they have steamed for about six to eight minutes, I empty them out of the basket, sprinkle a little sea salt and cracked pepper corn on them and enjoy……… mmmn good!
Hey Andrew,
Loved the column; it was very timely for us. I served brussels sprouts, with bacon, butter and maple syrup with my Easter brunch. My son, Andrew (41 yrs. old), picked out the bacon and made some sarcastic comment about being surprised at how many were left in the serving bowl after dinner. You keep us chuckling.
Just a note that he didn’t feel the same way about the homemade cinnamon rolls that he polished off.
Thanks for all your great work!
Vegetables are like politicians…. we praise the ones we like and disparage the ones we don’t like! Personally, I’ve recently acquired a taste for brussels sprouts. It doesn’t make either of us right or wrong so no name calling!! Fact: They are low in calories, low in fat and cholesterol and high in fiber, and loaded with vitamin A, C, potassium, and calcium. Also fact, they cause gas and bloating the same as cabbage, broccoli, and beans. Fact: they are known for their cancer-fighting powers. Knowledge is power, but the choice is ultimately yours!
Kale is the Emperor’s New Clothes of the produce aisle. We’re being duped by kale farmers, and one day, someone from Hollywood will say they don’t really like it, and the whole thing will come down like a house of cards.