An NPR writer broke the rules this week by writing something with a pulse.
By that I mean an opinion. (I saw the print edition, but if he read his piece on air, I’m sure he did so in a hushed voice, like he didn’t want to set off a nearby time bomb.)
The writer’s name is Bob Boilen. He said he was sick of certain songs and thought they should be permanently retired, which immediately got my attention because as “The Person Who Should Be in Charge of Everything” I have often thought that some songs should be banned for life.
Boilen’s choice was “Cats in the Cradle,” by Harry Chapin, which I completely agree with. That song has tortured fathers for decades now. “Ohmygod, I played softball with the guys for two hours instead of playing catch with my son. Now he’s going to hate me forever. Son! Son! I didn’t mean it! Here, here’s twenty dollars.”
Enough. Ban it.
And while we’re at it, we should also ban:
- Every Christmas song ever made with the possible exception of the Bing Crosby version of “White Christmas.” No one did it like Bing.
- Anything by Kiss. Except for “Beth,” which was their only ballad. For some reason, I like that one.
- Every rap song ever made. Hey, I’m old, OK? Gimme a break.
- “Muskrat Love” by the Captain & Tenille. If you’re too young to remember this one, by all means, go listen to it. But be warned, it’ll make you want to strangle actual muskrats.
- “Umbrella” by Rihanna. Why? Here are some of the actual lyrics: “You can stand under my umbrella, ella, ella, eh, eh, eh. Under my umbrella, ella, ella, eh, eh, eh. Under my umbrella, ella, ella, eh, eh, eh. Under my umbrella, ella, ella, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh.” Understand now?
- “Escape” (The Pina Colada song) by Rupert Holmes. Not because it’s a terrible tune. It’s not. It’s actually kinda OK the first two times you hear it. After that you start analyzing the lyrics, especially the part where the woman he’s meeting to go “make love in the dunes of the Cape” turns out to be his current girlfriend. And she’s not mad at all. Instead she laughs and says, “Oh, it’s you!” instead of “You bastard!” before punching him in the noogies.
- “You’re 16, You’re Beautiful, and You’re Mine” by Ringo Starr. This is one of those songs that was perfectly acceptable for some reason back in 1973 when Ringo was, um, 33. These days when I hear it I think, “You put that song out today, dude, and you’re gonna slapped with a molestation charge.”
- “Pinball Wizard” by the Who. It’s just a dumb song, OK.
- “Elvira” by the Oak Ridge Boys. The actual lyrics, which are somehow much worse when you hear them sung: “My heart’s on fire, for Elvira. Giddy up oom poppa omm poppa mow mow. Giddy up oom poppa omm poppa mow mow. Heigh-ho silver, away.”
- Anything by Nickelback. If you’re not aware, Nickelback is a heavy-metal poser band. The lead singer sings everything as if someone has his giblets in a vice. (I always imagine him ordering a cheeseburger: “Noooooo onions, pleeeeease.”) The lyrics are pure pap. And the combination makes me want to kick three-legged puppies. They are so bad and so phony and so calculated there’s even been a scientific study done on why people hate them so much.
- “We Built This City” by Starship. Built this city? The sheer arrogance. Plus, how did Grace Slick ever end up playing second vocal fiddle to Mickey Thomas, who is a good singer, but c’mon, it’s Grace Slick?
- “Piano Man” by Billy Joel. Great tune. But I’ve now heard it 7,679 times. Plus there’s that lyric, “Man, what are YOU doing here?” Ego much, Bill?
I welcome the list of songs you’d retire or ban. Post them below. And don’t forget to “share” this column and “subscribe.” It’s free.
Image credit: Eric May
Grandma got run over by a Reindeer and those annoying dogs barking Jingle bells. Not every Christmas song, just those two!!!🎄
Proud Mary, too.
LOL…….
When my sister got married back in the eighties, we hired a DJ for the wedding reception.
The DJ asked my sister what kind of music she would like played.
My sister said “I don’t care what you play, play whatever you think is popular, but please DO NOT play Proud Mary”.
I liked these songs before I heard them a million times, “Stairway To Heaven,” “Turn The Page,” “Life In The Fast Lane,” “Hotel California,” heck just lump most Eagles songs in there. Loved them, but I’m over it.
I just knew I shouldn’t had read this. Now I have Nickleback’s screeching stuck in my head. DAMMIT!!
Ha, sorry. Risk you take.
Anything and everything by the thr Pretenders has me reflexively stabbing at preset bundles. At Christmas time I love the 40s/50s/60s timeless stuff. I can do without “Christmas Shoes”, “Feliz Navidad”, and any Mariah Carey song.
My Mom has always said the Beach Boys were a bunch of sick old men singing about teen girls… so your Ringo Starr comment made me laugh.
My Sharona and Having My Baby
What a lovely way of saying how much you love me. Or you coulda sent a card.
Anything by Foreigner and John Cougar Mellencamp
Nooo! I love early Foreigner and some Mellencamp. Some.
“Come On Eileen” by Dexy’s Midnight Runners. Ugh.
Most country music. Not the old stuff my dad listened to. What they call country now isn’t the same.
Today’s country is pop music sung with a fake country accent.
Tom Petty said that today’s country is lousy pop music with a fiddle. I agree.
RIP Tom.
And don’t forget the cowboy hat. Never did understand that as the good country music comes from the Appalachians.
EVERYTHING by Adele! Her voice is like nails on a chalkboard!
How dare you insult chalkboards like that!!
Exactly. Her voice kills me.
ANY song by Rick Springfield!
I can’t add anything to your list, since I have given up listening to any music written after 1975, save for Pentatonix and Baby Gramps. But I do take exception to your dismissal of all Christmas music other than “White Christmas”. How could you ban a Christmas song titled “The Christmas Song” (you may know it as “Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire”) especially considering it was written by the Velvet Fog hisself, Mel Torme?
Baby Gramps!!!!
Do geese see god?
We could play all of the songs above if only the radio and satellite stations would expand their playlist to more the one hundred songs they have now. Heck I have over 5000 songs downloaded on my phone and could easily triple that if I wanted. Just play more songs and add a little variety.
“God Bless the U.S.A” by Lee Greenwood.
I have heard this song ad nauseam for years.
Even recently, the fibber in chief is playing it at his campaign rallies.
MacArthur Park. Whoever left their cake out in the rain doesn’t deserve to have their song played on the radio…over…and over…and over…and…
Ahh, please can we keep Silent Night, O Holy Night, and Joy to the World. Those three keep me in the right frame of mind during the holidays when everything is so commercialized. I can do without Rudolph and Frosty and the Grinch.
Actually, I like “Joy to the World.” The Three Dog Night version, that is… good old Jeremiah the Bullfrog. When the radio stations start playing Christmas songs (thankfully they’ve cut back from doing this the day after Halloween), I stop listening until January. It’s just too much. Call me a curmudgeon, but I’ve had to endure them for way too many years.
“Honey.” A big hit by Bobby Goldsboro. A sentimental barfy song about a dead person.
But! I believe we have real pending nominees for the real R+R Hall of Fame right now. I support Dire Straits (“Sultans of Swing”). Can you believe they are in in the Hall already?
NOT in the Hall, I meant to write.
Oh, Andrew….How could you!! I so love most all the songs by Harry Chapin.
His lyrics create movies in my mind. How can you not love, “Taxi”. And “Cats in the Cradle” doesn’t make you a bad dad, it just makes your son a bad dad like you were! Really I wish one of the contestants on The Voice would sing one of Harry’s songs. Yes, some are sad, but remember they were written and sung during the sixties and seventies when people sang emotional songs. Not like today’s rappers. Can’t understand a word they rap! Blake Shelton is my choice, he’s just good to look at. I don’t care what he sings.
You’re not a dad then. It’s the great guilt song. And I do like Chapin. And Billy Joel and some of the others. But after awhile, some songs grate.
Trump did it for me – The Star Spangled Banner. I will now think of His Nastiness in Chief every time I hear it. Let’s give American the Beautiful a try (without the reference to religion) or O Canada! O America, my home and native land . . .🙃
Don’t forget “Afternoon Delight.” Then again, Andy, knowing your taste, that’s one of your favorites!
“Jeremiah Was a Bullfrog” ; “YMCA” ; the “Stripper” song at weddings when the groom is removing the garter from the bride so he can throw it into a crowd of young men, most of whom were forced to go up there by their Aunts and cousins.
I offered my daughter $1000.00 if she would NOT do the garter thing with her groom.
Beth? Really Andrew? That has got to be THE worst song every. But while you’re at it toss in that vile song Cake By The Ocean. UGH…..