What do you do when your parent(s) start downsizing?
The first time, I was in my 20s, and my parents were leaving Michigan to live in Arizona.
They asked me and my siblings if there was anything we wanted. I didn’t.
When you are starting out on your own, it’s hard to imagine wanting anything that your parents have (unless, of course, you are much smarter than I – and that’s very likely). I didn’t want anything they had, I wanted all new bright and shiny things.
A few decades later and I kick myself for not being smarter.
My sister was smart, she asked for the mashed potato bowl. Every time I see that ceramic bowl on her table, I’m filled with memories of family dinners when we were young.
I also learned that telling your parents or grandparents that you don’t want any of their stuff is a lot like an insult.
“Sorry, nothing you have means anything to me. Move along now.”
My mom started downsizing again a few years ago. The first sign of this was the arrival of a box at my house filled with every single (I am not exaggerating) card sent to me since the day I was born. Every single card.
It was great going through and seeing the signatures of my grandparents, great-grandparents and others, now gone. But what do you do when you’re done looking at them? I kept a few, the rest I packed away until I have to downsize at which time I’ll give them to my sons and let them deal with the guilt that comes with tossing out stuff your parents give you.
A friend told me about the time her father stopped by with a giant box of holiday decorations. Apparently her parents were downsizing and decided to get rid of most of the holiday stuff they had collected over the last 40 years. She didn’t want the decorations, but she couldn’t say no. So she took the box.
The next holiday when her parents came by, first thing her mom wanted to know was where were the decorations she had been given? It was a painful conversation that ended with “Well, I guess you really don’t want anything that we have.”
Another friend had the opposite problem, she loves everything her parents have and would love to have it all, but when it came time for her parents to downsize, they decided to sell everything. So she had to buy what she wanted.
I’ve read a number of blogs about this subject lately and the overwhelming majority seem to be focused on telling parents that you don’t want any of their stuff.
That’s easy to say when you’re young and your future is unwritten.
Just a fair warning, someday you’re going to wish you had that mashed potato bowl.
Brenda’s column appears most Mondays around noon, although, fair warning, she’s taking a few months off soon.
When my mother-in-law passed away last year, we got to take what we wanted first. The rest of her stuff was sold in an estate sale we had. Anything that didn’t sell, we got to keep or it was donated. If I could, I would have kept everything!
I know what you mean. How nice that you had an opportunity to hang on to those memory sparkers.
We are or at least I am starting to realize that there is a huge amount of stuff in my house. Much of it is from my parents an in-laws, grandparents, and various aunts. You see, I am the keeper of the family memories. I also realize alot of it is just stuff that they had. Some of it has great sentimental value, alot doesn’t. I have started to sort out and clear away stuff. The things that mean a lot to me, have stories attached to them and that is what I need to make sure that my children know. If they choose to get rid of or keep, at least they will know what it really is.
I love the stories that come attached – a real value that doesn’t translate to dollars.
I have the big blue ceramic bowl that my mother (same color as her eyes) filled with G’ma’s lilacs each spring. I made sure to grow a cloned bush from beside G’ma’s garage before her house was sold. Sweet memories.
How perfect!
My “mashed potato bowl” is a sunny yellow pitcher that was filled with freshly squeezed orange juice & graced my childhood breakfast table. Good memories.
That is sunny. How nice!
Mine is the same shape but bright blue. Lots of iced tea went into it.
I love my 71year old parents to death but I DREAD the day that they with downsize or pass away (obviously). Their basement in my childhood home is just full of crap that is either outdated, hasn’t been used in years, if not decades, or is kids stuff from the 70’s. I’m an only child now and it’ll be a headache to say the least…
You are NOT alone! Although as an only child, I guess you sort of are, but no you have empathy from a lot of others. Maybe you’ll find one of those mystery paintings worth a zillion dollars – that might make up for it.
When our parents died (2008 and 2010) my sisters and I split our parent’s special things. I love having some of my mom’s jewelry. Also have a shelf at home with a variety of beautiful copper vases of all sizes. I have Hummel figurines and all kinds of fun stuff to remind me of them. The most important thing I have though is a huge box filled with childhood family photos. Those to me are the most priceless items.
Photos are priceless, no doubt about it. Sounds like you have the “stuff” under control.
When my father’s dementia and my moms broken ankle landed them in a care facility, my son and GF moved into their home (my childhood home). It was wonderful and difficult all at the same time. Ma decorated the house once, in the 1950’s so explaining why they ‘might’ want to change a ‘few’ things was uncomfortable, to say the least. Pa has passed, Ma is with me and so is a lot of her stuff. We are taking it one day at a time with her stuff and she’s actually been quite delighted with the stone house home improvements.
How lucky to be so close to your parents. I’m sure the updates were hard to explain.
My basement is a storage facility for my children and stepdaughter. My hubby and I are loving empty nesting and fantasizing about down sizing….. not sure what we will do with THEIR stuff!
Excellent point! I too have a lot of stuff that belongs to my children. I’m not ready to toss it yet, but when I am they will get a warning and a deadline.
I kept the potato ricer that was used to make the mashed potatoes.
Memorable and useful – that’s the way to go!
Stuff. I know stuff from a family angle, and from a professional angle. I used to manage a self-storage place. Decades ago, long before we had shows about hoarding on TV, my co-workers and I knew stuff is a mental disease.
Everybody: We all need to shed all this stuff. Give it; sell it; trash it. Whatever it takes.
Now, my apartment is decorated with much of my mom’s great stuff, but I also have a big $100/month storage unit with her stuff in it. Yikes! I hope Mom lives to be a thousand, but her stuff has gotta go!
You’re right about “stuff.” It takes a lot of guts to rid yourself of stuff – especially when memories are attached to everything. I prefer to hang on to all the memories and only a little bit of the “stuff.”