Donald Trump’s meeting with Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto was private. But I managed to get my hands on a secret transcript. Here’s what transpired:
Nieto: “Ah, so you are the loud, orange man I have heard so much about. Welcome to Mexico. My, you really are orange, aren’t you?”
Trump: “Thank you, yes. It’s a spray tan. It takes my butler a full hour to apply every morning. He’s very thorough. He even does the armpits.”
Nieto: “So to what do I owe this visit?”
Trump: “Well, Enrique, it’s like this. I’ve come for the check.”
Nieto: “Ah, for your famous wall, I gather.”
Trump: “Of course. I think $20 billion ought to cover it. So if you don’t mind getting your little checkbook out, I’ll be on my way.”
Nieto: “Surely, you are joking?”
Trump: “No, I’m not, and don’t call me Shirley.”
Nieto: “Excuse me?”
Trump: “It’s an old bit from the movie Airplane. You haven’t seen it?”
Nieto: “Um, no, I’m afraid not.”
Trump: “You do have movies here, right? That technology has reached here?”
Nieto: “Of course, but, look, I cannot and will not give you any money for your wall. It is out of the question.”
Trump: “You will or else.”
Nieto: “Or else what?”
Trump: “Or else when I’m elected president I will invade.”
Nieto: “That’s preposterous and you know it.”
Trump: “Trade sanctions?”
Nieto: “Also preposterous. You need us as much as we need you.”
Trump: “How about this: I’ll talk really mean about your country.”
Nieto: “You already have. We’re still here.”
Trump: “Fine, then I’ll fire you.”
Nieto: “This isn’t The Apprentice, I’m afraid.”
Trump: “OK, look, let me level with you. You know I can’t build a wall, and I know I can’t build a wall. I mean, come on, it’s thousands of miles over mountains, deserts, valleys and rivers. It’s ridiculous. It would bankrupt the country. But I made a promise and if I don’t deliver, the crazy people in my party won’t support me anymore and I won’t get elected. So can you throw me a bone here?”
Nieto: “How do you mean?”
Trump: “I mean just give me a check. Make it one of those over-sized ones like with Publisher’s Clearing House. We’ll pose for the cameras, you can maybe let me throw you in a playful headlock and give you noogies. Then later we say it bounced when I tried to cash it and I denounce you for tricking the American people.”
Nieto: “You seriously do not believe I would do this, yes?”
Trump: “Why not? C’mon, I’ll make it up to you somehow when I’m president. How does a discount coupon to one of my golf courses sound, or maybe a free stay at one of my hotels, mini-bar included. Or how about some nice steaks? I have real nice steaks. They’re huge, believe me. Just name your price, Enrique. Do we have a deal?”
“You are loco, my friend – muy loco.”
“Yeah, but it’s worked so far. By the way, can I get some tacos to go?”
Image credit: donkeyhotey
Kathy says
Perfect! Made my day! Now if my in-laws only read your blog….
Andrew Heller says
Make them!
Nancy says
Hilarious! This column made our day. Even the dog laughed.
The Scottish1 says
LOL!
Andrew Heller says
Thanks Scottish
Tom says
First reference to Trump’s armpits, ever.
Tom says
I was wrong about Trump’s armpits. Here is a funny armpit reference, and, if you google his armpits, you will find several more.
http://www.miamiherald.com/opinion/opn-columns-blogs/carl-hiaasen/article77583267.html
Andrew Heller says
Oh that is awesome! I like Carl, by the way. I’ve read his books but not his column.
Loren M says
Nieto: “You need us as much as we need you.”
Trump: “Don’t be so sure, I can buy a third world countries.”
Nieto: “How long until they’re under foreclosure?”
Kelly Burwell says
That was incredible. As I read it, I HEARD his voice saying those words. Ugh! the horror!
Andrew Heller says
Ha, thanks.