When you are a columnist, sometimes you have to take a stand on the “big issues,” no matter how controversial. So, here’s today’s bold stance: “Wonderful Christmastime” is the worst Christmas song of all time.
There. I said it. Actually, I’ve said it before – in columns and to anyone who is in earshot when the damn thing comes on. The lovely yet formidable Marcia is so sick of me saying it that before the second note plays she’s jabbing a pointer finger at me and saying, “Don’t!”
I wouldn’t bring it up now if it weren’t for a column in Salon.com that people forwarded to me because they knew it would annoy me. The piece was titled “In defense of Paul McCartney’s ‘Wonderful Christmastime.’” In it, writer Annie Zaleski says, basically, yes, the song sucks, but it’s really not that bad.
“Sure, the song’s certainly not as emotional or epic as ‘Hey Jude,’ ‘Yesterday’ and ‘Live and Let Die.’ (But) it sounds like a 1979 single, from the slightly foggy production to the soft-glow keyboards. Those are hardly fatal flaws.”
She then blurbles on in music critic-speak about how the song “takes its cues from … the minimalist synthpop bubbling up from the U.K. underground at the time” and how its vocals are “malleable instrumental color to enhance overall sonic expression and convey feelings such as alienation or fear of modernity” before concluding with this: “But it’s perhaps more precise to say that ‘Wonderful Christmastime’ represents one of McCartney’s biggest post-Beatles pivot points — a low-pressure song where he reasserted his independence and started a metamorphosis that would linger for years.”
Clearly, I cannot let this dangerous nonsense go unchallenged. What if impressionable people believe her? What if several of those impressionable people are radio DJs, who then play the song even more than it already is? Think of the children.
So, let me counter Ms. Zaleski’s critique with one of my own: “Wonderful Christmastime” is not only the worst Christmas tune of all-time, it’s the worst song of any kind ever made, with the possible exception of “Ebony and Ivory,” also by Sir Paul, which was so bad and so treacly that, according to a medical study I just made up, any time it plays on the radio 1,500 people go into insulin shock. (To be fair, I could also go for “Muskrat Love” as the worst ever, which, if you’re too young to have heard it yet, let me just say you are in for a treat. Here’s just one line: “Muskrat Suzie, Muskrat Sam, do the jitterbug out in Muskrat Land.” Had enough? I thought so.)
To understand why “Wonderful Christmastime” surpasses them all in terms of wretchedness, however, all you have to do is read the pivotal lyrics, which are, and I quote:
The choir of children sing their song
They practiced all year long
Ding dong, ding dong
Ding dong, ding dong
Ding dong, ding dong, dong, dong, dong, dong
Ding dong, dong, dong, dong? My god, people, what else do you need?
And by the way, they had to practice THAT song all year to get it right?
That’s one dumb choir.
Jim says
Wonderful Christmastime may have too many ding dongs for you but I find the barking dogs rendition of Jingle Bells the most offensive of the Christmas songs played too often — like once very season
Bill says
Completely disagree – with the over commercialization of Christmas, I think it’s appropriate at times.
Now, if you had said “Grandma got ran over by a reindeer”, I’d agree….
Lori says
Maybe I’m just too young to get it (born 1970) but I think Paul McCartney overall is overrated. And he doesn’t sound good anymore, why do TV events keep inviting him to sing?
Kathy Fiebig says
Wow, I’ve NEVER heard this and now I’m afraid to Google it. I believe I can happily go through the rest of my life without being exposed. Thanks for the heads up, Andy–and Merry Christmas to you and yours. I’m very glad we’ve “met”.
Julie Seagraves says
With all due respect, I must disagree. My vote for Worst Christmas Song Ever goes to “It’s Christmas Eve on Woodward Avenue”. That’s the one for which I turn off the station when I hear it start. Overproduced, tuneless drivel. Perhaps only people in broadcast reach of Detroit are forced to listen to this one; Sir Paul certainly has greater reach. But “Wonderful Christmastime” doesn’t give me the same visceral response. “Santa Baby” is, however, a close second. . .
Andrew Heller says
I’ve never heard of that one. I’ll have to go find it.
Doug Pullen says
Feliz Navidad ain’t so good either. Gee, now that I think of it, I can’t remember the words.
Andrew Heller says
Yeah, true. But at least it’s nonsense in Spanish!
John says
Just got fun.., how about one of your poles?
I gotta agree. For me, Santa Baby is way lower than Wonderful Chridtmastime.
Cheryl Tolcher says
I hate “I Want a Hippopotamus For Christmas.” It’s the voice of an adult woman trying to sound like a really obnoxious child. WHY would anybody want to listen to that? Never mind the dumb lyrics.
Jan Scholl says
The person who sang this was 10. Not even close to an adult woman. My grand daughter loved this when she was 2 (now 6) and we listened to it over and over and over. I am not going to play it for the twin niblets now 2. I think I would go nuts with TWO of them wanting it over and over and over!
Ted says
Adult or no, “Hippopotamus” is the worst Christmas song ever, and possibly the worst song ever, all because of that ghastly voice. It’s a 10-year-old-child oversinging and trying to sound like an adult trying to sound like an obnoxious child. She succeeds on the last part, anyway. There’s a vintage video of Gayla Peevey lip-synching to it on YouTube that somehow doubles the offensiveness of the song. Every time I watch it I hope she either slips on the stairs and has a handful of jacks impaled in her back or her two friends scream “Enough!” and throttle her. But it hasn’t happened yet.
I’ll go watch it again.
Maybe this time.
Tom says
Sir Paul and King Michael did another duet that is worse than “Wonderful Christmastime” and worse than “Ebony and Ivory:” “The Girl is Mine.”
“”Oh, no, Paul, she’s mine…”
Andrew Heller says
Oh, jeez, yeah I forgot that song. That really sucked.
Jim says
Completely agree 1000%. I only listen to Manheim Steamroller or Trans Siberian Orchestra at Christmas. Best Christmas music of all time!!
Karen says
I made a huge mistake recently by purchasing a Harry Connick Jr. CD of Christmas music . Don’t even know if I spelled his name right. It is so bad, that I set it on a trash bin, hoping someone would think they found a prize.
I couldn’t get thru a single one of the songs, and kept searching for another that would be worth what I spent on the CD.
BTW….Andy….what is with all the fruity flavors of candy canes? I only want peppermint. Those are the real ones.
Andrew Heller says
I’m with you on the candy canes. It’s not a candy cane if it’s another flavor.
Tom says
Let’s start some Fake News:
Tonight, a week before Christmas, Donald Trump tweeted, “Santa Claus is a Loser! And! He is an illegal immigrant who violates American airspace without official clearance. Lock him up!”
Andrew Heller says
Surface to air missiles will take care of that.
Lynn says
Yes, it’s a stupid song – but it makes me happy and puts me in a good mood. That’s all I ask from non-religious Christmas songs.
Brad says
So this is like the 25th annual dis of McCartney’s song. We get it, your take is played ……..care to offer something as a alternative?
Andrew Heller says
Nah, this is only my third or fourth jab at Sir Paul.
Mercedes Ciolek says
I know I’m late to the debate but i have to say that Wonderful Christmastime has never bothered me. I will break my arm changing the station when The Christmas Shoes comes on. Or ANYONEs version of I saw mommy kissing Santa claus. Especially Michael Jackson’s ! ( whining: I did …i did see mommy kissing santa…why dont you believe me!) Yuk!
Mary Gersten says
Up on Santy Claus Mountain by Lorrie Morgan. On the playlist when I worked at K-Mart – ACKKKK!